Venting I enjoy faking my death

[peerlesscucumber]

I'm an attention seeker, I'm not afraid to admit that.
I've been doing this since I was like 13. First time I ever did it was on my Wattpad account because I didn't want to keep updating my countryhumans fanfiction, and I loved it.

I loved the way people DM'd me and asked me if I was okay, I loved the comments of people begging me not to go, telling me that I could talk to them if I wanted to and saying it wasn't worth it.

Since then, I've created multiple online personas, some very similar, some drastically different.

Some never show signs of depression, some make their mental illness their whole personality.

When I feel bad, I like to post a little depressed post on one of them.

A little "I relapsed" here, a little "I might attempt" there.

Sometimes I even do it on 2 accounts in the same that so that I get more comments

I know this is probably unhealthy. Keeping up with my fake personalities takes up a lot of time in my day and I've even grown to hate some of my personas, as if they were another whole person.

My attention seeking has gone as far as to actually fake attempts irl. Never too complicated, a little "oh yeah I tried hanging myself twice !" Comment, or maybe an "don't try ODing before a school night, believe me" to my classmates. Never too obvious, just enough to concern but never enough for people to take action

 

[dolemitedrums]

I can't imagine myself enjoying that but at least you seem to be having a good time.

 

[peerlesscucumber]

I can't imagine myself enjoying that but at least you seem to be having a good time.

I realize it does sound pretty weird from the outside hehe but it's genieunly so fun how it makes me feel so in control of everything AND also very cared for (2 of my favorite things in the world)

 

[sos]

aren't you afraid that you'll never build actual friendships? bc faking your death technically means that you're lying

at one point you'll only drive people away and you wouldn't be able to fake your death for the rest of your life

it should get boring or feel repetitive at some point

there are other ways that are healthy to get someones attention

 

[picklealex]

i always thought about doing this, and i enjoyed the thought of people caring about me, but i have never actually done it

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Your actions show dismissiveness against those who have real problems and are actually suicidal.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

aren't you afraid that you'll never build actual friendships? bc faking your death technically means that you're lying

at one point you'll only drive people away and you wouldn't be able to fake your death for the rest of your life

it should get boring or feel repetitive at some point

there are other ways that are healthy to get someones attention

I don't think it's just about attention, it's about the type of attention. I think the OP likes the care and concern they gain from it. I guess it could even be them trying to call for help in a way. It can also be used a way to feel like your issues and suffering is valid. I kind of understand it since I sometimes have the urge to divulge certain things about myself to others for the sake of sympathy and validating my own feelings. I don't really act on those urges though, since I also simultaneously hate attention and being pitied. Still, I remember when I told my dad about being catcalled for the first time and oddly enjoying watching him get upset about it and show concern for me.

 

[dolemitedrums]

I realize it does sound pretty weird from the outside hehe but it's genieunly so fun how it makes me feel so in control of everything AND also very cared for (2 of my favorite things in the world)

It sounds manipulative and like you will be destroying any relationships of quality in the long run.

 

[willitpass]

This is incredibly manipulative and harmful to the people you are doing this to. There are ways to receive care and attention that are not emotionally damaging and traumatizing to others. Do you realize how terrifying it is to be told that someone you've developed a bond with is going to kill themselves? And eventually people will stop believing you and engaging with you, meaning you will be in a constant cycle of creating relationships and losing them. This is incredibly unhealthy and I would encourage you to seek help, if not for yourself for those getting hurt by your actions.

 

[peerlesscucumber]

Your actions show dismissiveness against those who have real problems and are actually suicidal.

Never did I say I wasn't suicidal or that I didn't have any real problems.
I just like it when people act like they care for me when I engage in these dangerous behavior, opposite to how my irls react