Discussion "I don't want you to say stuff like that"

[derpyderpins]

So, when it rains it pours. Needless to say it's been one thing after another for me these past few weeks. Past couple months, really.

My fiance is so supportive, but of course it's hard for her, especially as someone who has always had fairly good mental health. When I blame myself for things and talk down about myself it makes her so sad. She told me recently that she really doesn't want me to say that kind of stuff because she doesn't think it's true, etc., etc.

I told her, basically, 'you know, I've been trying to cut down on that for almost 20 years. I've gotten a little better and will keep trying, but it's not going to happen right away. So. . . I can either keep saying it sometimes or I can learn to hide it from you.' Obviously she said don't hide it, she wants me to share, etc., but the point is that I know it brings her down to my low level.

So, has anyone found a balance on venting where you don't overwhelm your support?

 

[Ash]

I either overwhelm and drive them away or withhold and drive them away. So I guess you need to aim for somewhere in between. Friends, support groups, clubs, sports, whatever. Spread it around, I guess. Don't be overly intense on one person. As one person can't take it all but feels excluded and pushed away if they're shut out.

 

[derpyderpins]

I either overwhelm and drive them away or withhold and drive them away. So I guess you need to aim for somewhere in between. Friends, support groups, clubs, sports, whatever. Spread it around, I guess. Don't be overly intense on one person. As one person can't take it all but feels excluded and pushed away if they're shut out.

Yeah, spreading it out sounds nice, but gotta be reaaally careful about who you trust lol.

Good advice, thanks.

 

[Ash]

Yeah, spreading it out sounds nice, but gotta be reaaally careful about who you trust lol.

Good advice, thanks.

Yeah, I know several people who overshare and it's cringeworthy at best. I think the theory is to imagine that your trusted people (you're right to mention that) are each carrying buckets and can only take so much before it overspills. The more you have, the more people you need to be able to share the load without becoming overwhelmed themselves. Obviously if they're going through their own shit, their capacity goes down so you need backups. And you need to be able to carry their stuff in return.

These days I go down the "dammit, if I want to be an island, I'll bloody well be one, so screw you, John Donne and you can shove your damn bell" route. But you're in an existing healthy relationship with someone who sounds like she deserves better than my exes got so don't fuck it up like I did! Or if you do, at least acknowledge what you're doing and explain why. It stops a lot of self blame if people take ownership.
*salutes from island*

 

[derpyderpins]

Yeah, I know several people who overshare and it's cringeworthy at best. I think the theory is to imagine that your trusted people (you're right to mention that) are each carrying buckets and can only take so much before it overspills. The more you have, the more people you need to be able to share the load without becoming overwhelmed themselves. Obviously if they're going through their own shit, their capacity goes down so you need backups. And you need to be able to carry their stuff in return.

These days I go down the "dammit, if I want to be an island, I'll bloody well be one, so screw you, John Donne and you can shove your damn bell" route. But you're in an existing healthy relationship with someone who sounds like she deserves better than my exes got so don't fuck it up like I did! Or if you do, at least acknowledge what you're doing and explain why. It stops a lot of self blame if people take ownership.
*salutes from island*

I know I've been cringe before for sure. I like the bucket visual: that's helpful.

I really try not to fuck it up. I don't lie to her at all. I put her first always because I know I have baggage. I believe we'll make it.

"Acknowledge what you're doing and explain why." I need, NEED, to do this better. Identify the troubling pattern as it's the only way I can work on it.

Thanks for taking the time to talk this through.

 

[sensitiveguy]

Is it depression?

 

[ColorlessTrees]

Wholeheartedly agree with the above advice. I understand how it would be difficult to find more than one outlet though, considering how flaky people can be in general.

I'm in a very similar boat, anyhow. Assuming distractions aren't effective, I've often written my thoughts out as if I'm going to send it as a message, literally in the text box, then realize it's going to be stupid/annoying/repetitive to the person, (only to my partner at this point), and throw it in a google doc or note instead. When the vent is just a common thought or not in dire, immediate need of support, this sometimes takes the edge off for me. Alternatively, you can do this on paper, but writing with the intent that it's going somewhere tricks my brain into being satisfied.

I also find that when I keep it and come back later, sometimes I can even make a revelation about the issue or myself.

 

[derpyderpins]

Is it depression?

Yes. While she's been with me she's seen it get bad and she's been with me the whole time I've been trying medication.

Wholeheartedly agree with the above advice. I understand how it would be difficult to find more than one outlet though, considering how flaky people can be in general.

I'm in a very similar boat, anyhow. Assuming distractions aren't effective, I've often written my thoughts out as if I'm going to send it as a message, literally in the text box, then realize it's going to be stupid/annoying/repetitive to the person, (only to my partner at this point), and throw it in a google doc or note instead. When the vent is just a common thought or not in dire, immediate need of support, this sometimes takes the edge off for me. Alternatively, you can do this on paper, but writing with the intent that it's going somewhere tricks my brain into being satisfied.

I also find that when I keep it and come back later, sometimes I can even make a revelation about the issue or myself.

That's a good idea. I used to have more thought dump documents/notebooks and I guess I've gotten away from that. I'll probably try getting back into it now that you've prompted me.

 

[sensitiveguy]

Yes. While she's been with me she's seen it get bad and she's been with me the whole time I've been trying medication.

Did you have it before? It seems like seasonal depression. I used to have major intense depression episodes but they got shorter and shorter with time, where I devoleped chronic depression.

 

[derpyderpins]

Did you have it before? It seems like seasonal depression. I used to have major intense depression episodes but they got shorter and shorter with time, where I devoleped chronic depression.

I was first suicidal at 12, so while I didn't see a professional until about 6ish years ago, I'd assume that's when I was first depressed. It is definitely cyclical in nature, but it also coincides with what's happening in my life.