Venting I don't want to think of a title like I always do

[HappySisyphus]

I hate that this is the only place I can really talk about this kind of stuff, none of my friends would care and my family bothers me with something as trivial as my hair so I don't want to imagine how they would react to all of this, I don't care about anyone in this place and yet I still have to come here to yell into the void.
I only started posting here so the people that know me would know why I killed myself if I ever did, but now that I don't know if I'll ever commit suicide despite wanting to, I still come here because it's one of the only things I have left, and that is just pathetic, I am disgusted for allowing myself to fall to such a low point as this.
It's been a while since I had any real conversation about how I'm feeling with someone, most people don't care, and everyone who at one point I thought care ended up disappointing me so now i'm scared of that happening again, my best friend chose another of her friends who she has criticized many times over me, another friend who I thought I was close to ignores me a lot, including one time I told her I wanted to kill myself, my ex-almost girlfriend went on a date with a "friend" of mine, and also lied to me about being on the pill and ended up pregnant, and a lot of other people with a lot of other stuff.
All of this is messing with my head a lot, there have been times I truly wondered if I'm in some kind of Truman Show, I've been having weird dreams and my time perception is really screwed up, maybe I should go to a psychologist, but I don't even know how I would do that, and I'm scared to ask the people close to me.

 

[dragonofenvy]

Ah man, your post resonated so much with me. Everything with people not caring, feeling terrible about having to be on this site, time perception being fucked, even the shit about being on the Truman Show as I've described in a few posts that my life was like some kind of comedy skit. I'm absolutely shocked at how similar you feel to me.

Anyways, regarding the psychologist part. I think it would be beneficial to have an evaluation. I wish I could give you a tutorial on how to do it but when I've had evaluations done it was somebody else scheduling it for me. Idk what your situation is like or what the people around you are like, but maybe you could try framing it as just a routine checkup kind of thing? That way if they do end up being resistant you at least have an out. If you trust someone, which given your fear of the reaction it doesn't seem like there's not yet anyone you fully trust, you could gently bring up that you're concerned about yourself and just leave it at that. Otherwise, you've got the internet maybe there's something on there that could help a bit.

The question you'll have to ask yourself: What will the evaluation do for me? What if you have bad psychopathology going on? Then what?

 

[Hyes]

I know it can feel like you're draining others just trying to ask for help. Online therapy is an option and I do think it can be a good one. Especially if you don't feel safe saying things about your situation out loud. The one downside I can see if your online psychiatrist may not prescribe the correct medication if you want to go that route? That's one of my biggest fears. I tried in person therapy before and all it amounted to was me lying that I was feeling better when I wasn't because I was too scared to actually talk in person about shit.