Venting i don't want to plan a future i want to die ):<

[viljalauss]

job hunting for sure makes me suicidal, though i think this is a common experience. but also every time i try to think about going into a certain field i am met with just how skillless i am, how much i would have to do to be good at anything worth employing me for.. i went to uni doing something i (thought i) was good at as well as enjoying it but it seems the passion's died in so many parts of it, mainly thanks to the workload, also thanks to the fact i just have no recall abilities. i won't have good prospects even if i do pass uni and score well in the final exams, but if i fail or even just do not that well (like 2:2/third, humanities degree) i will be absolutely screwed. i've tried learning python recently, i tried doing some cybersecurity basics a few years ago.. i'd be happy to return to either but it just doesn't seem like i'm naturally good or even have a chance at getting better, so there is really no justification for me to spend what is probably a waste of time on it, all the while leeching off others for survival. i've considered translation but i'm not good enough at any language other than my native one to be competent (i do know a fair few languages to some level, but highest is like b1)

oh also the idea of having to market myself absolutely fills me with dread. talking linkedin, sites for self-advertising services, even just having to send a cv tbh but that is far less bad than having to make a profile, bio, and also apparently it's expected to have a picture on these sites and if you don't you're untrustworthy.. thing is if this weren't a problem it might be ok cause i would actually have some hope of doing freelance work. sure 9-5 isn't a good model at all but also my work patterns are just very different (different times, different breaks; generally i am a lot more happy working evening/night. also i need music to be productive pretty much anytime i work or i get understimulated, zone out, and make far more mistakes than one might guess if they see music as purely a distraction.. anyway i'm starting to sound really entitled so i'll spare too many details). and not just freelance work, it also makes it really hard to look for tutoring jobs which i might have had a shot at.

yea tl:dr job hunting makes me want to blow my brains out but also so does the fact it forces me to face just how worthless and unhelpful i am

 

[lalius]

The whole "market yourself" idea is something that hit me hard when I got out of uni. 10 years later and having a dev job didn't change anything for me. Still feel like a tired fraud

 

[sa666]

job hunting for sure makes me suicidal, though i think this is a common experience. but also every time i try to think about going into a certain field i am met with just how skillless i am, how much i would have to do to be good at anything worth employing me for.. i went to uni doing something i (thought i) was good at as well as enjoying it but it seems the passion's died in so many parts of it, mainly thanks to the workload, also thanks to the fact i just have no recall abilities. i won't have good prospects even if i do pass uni and score well in the final exams, but if i fail or even just do not that well (like 2:2/third, humanities degree) i will be absolutely screwed. i've tried learning python recently, i tried doing some cybersecurity basics a few years ago.. i'd be happy to return to either but it just doesn't seem like i'm naturally good or even have a chance at getting better, so there is really no justification for me to spend what is probably a waste of time on it, all the while leeching off others for survival. i've considered translation but i'm not good enough at any language other than my native one to be competent (i do know a fair few languages to some level, but highest is like b1)

oh also the idea of having to market myself absolutely fills me with dread. talking linkedin, sites for self-advertising services, even just having to send a cv tbh but that is far less bad than having to make a profile, bio, and also apparently it's expected to have a picture on these sites and if you don't you're untrustworthy.. thing is if this weren't a problem it might be ok cause i would actually have some hope of doing freelance work. sure 9-5 isn't a good model at all but also my work patterns are just very different (different times, different breaks; generally i am a lot more happy working evening/night. also i need music to be productive pretty much anytime i work or i get understimulated, zone out, and make far more mistakes than one might guess if they see music as purely a distraction.. anyway i'm starting to sound really entitled so i'll spare too many details). and not just freelance work, it also makes it really hard to look for tutoring jobs which i might have had a shot at.

yea tl:dr job hunting makes me want to blow my brains out but also so does the fact it forces me to face just how worthless and unhelpful i am

Ughh this is so relatable, absolute agony of having to go out and actually DO things

 

[ger3172]

i feel this. i got a job i cant even work. i dont wanna keep living. everything seems pointless and every option i have seems extremely unpleasant aside from ctb.

 

[viljalauss]

The whole "market yourself" idea is something that hit me hard when I got out of uni. 10 years later and having a dev job didn't change anything for me. Still feel like a tired fraud

yeah.. at least in uni i can be solely judged based on the work i produce, and i don't have to market myself to get tutors or professors to talk to me. dreading after. i'm sure you're not a fraud but i think i get why it feels like that. and the tiredness is very real

Ughh this is so relatable, absolute agony of having to go out and actually DO things

yep,, the absolute agony in the pure thought of networking. interviews too but at least those mean you've been thought of as having some merit. networking not so much. i don't want to compete with people and i don't want to be known (at least not under my deadname and dead gender which i would have to).. even the thought of it tires me

i feel this. i got a job i cant even work. i dont wanna keep living. everything seems pointless and every option i have seems extremely unpleasant aside from ctb.

this too )): sure choosing and getting a job seems like the highest hurdle to me at the moment but there's also after. especially if working full time, there's such a high risk of burning out or just losing enthusiasm and/or the will to live. its' like you strive to work to live and then find you're no longer living. feels bleak on either side