I don’t want to live even if I can’t die

[lilb0wpeep]

I want to give up living. I don't want to wake up and try anymore. When I'm not already calling into work I'm always fighting with myself to go in and not quit. I don't want any responsibilities, like work, appointments, cleaning up for other people, preformatively taking care of myself, seeing people/being seen by others, etc. I want to give up. I seriously contemplate quitting everyday just so I don't have to preformativley function. Even when I'm not working I just stress about the next time I have to. Or when there's literally any reason that I have to get up, make myself look presentable, or leave my house. I'm tired, I don't feel well, it's not getting or gonna get any better, and I'm constantly mentally drained… let alone the fact I'm still suicidal and have to play it off for others. I need a job both for money, hopes that one day I can afford to live like this tbh. And to keep me mentally healthy(enough) because it gets me out of house, taking care of myself, not sitting/laying down 24/7 and interacting with others. If I quit I have no money, I'd become the useless and disrespectful(resentful) daughter that leaches off her mom living in her basement… more than what's already true of that. And I become more physically unfit, mentally unstable, isolated, and over all regressed. And I practically begged for this job, even mentioning that it was/would better my mental health. But I don't know how much longer I can take it, I practically dream of walking out and never coming back. I would kill myself but it's seeming to be physically impossible. Why can't I just give up and quit living until I do just ctb ? I don't want to do this everyday, I haven't, please can't I just give up? Would that be ok? How can I without it negatively impacting everyone else? Or without it making me seem like a worthless over sensitive person? I know that seems harsh but to quit on the spot(because I wouldn't be able to face them afterwards) would negatively impact the people I work with and would make me seem like someone who is insensitive, worthless because I've become "helpless", self pitying while also being self righteous and so on and so forth. It's not like working less would help because I still dread the days I have to go in and all the other things that insinuate a routine change. I just want it all to stop it I can't CTB, how can I go on like this? What can I do? Please give me a way out