Venting I don't want to live, but looking at methods makes me feel sick.

[blvck]

Like physically sick. I have 2 attempts under my belt, but i just can not move myself to do it again. I think I am afraid of it going wrong, and it is so final. Once I lock in my choice, I can't change it. One of my family members passed away this week from illness. At the memorial, everyone looked and felt sad. However, I felt empty and numb as usual. For them, this is a shocking painful feeling, but I have been feeling this way every single day for the past 5 years and no one has noticed. I would hate to kill myself and give them all a double whammy. But at the same time, everyone just watches as I fade into the background and don't seem to notice how much I have changed. I guess I hide it too well.

I have to go now, I will update this later. Gosh I hate myself so much. I don't deserve to be here anyway.

 

[DutchDude26]

I agree. Every method is scary, has a chance of failure and is really definite. At the same time life sucks.

How much better would it be if you could ctb under medical supervision, like euthanisia in a hospital. No worry about failure (it's in proffesional hands atleast), no worry about setting up the method and risk of being found, or brain damage, or traumatising people etc. The definity is still the same tho..

 

[Araya]

I feel the same, death is so final and uncertain but living isn't for me. I am living like I'm going to end it but I can't seem to go through with it.
Don't hate yourself, it's not your fault, I hope you're feeling better! You're not alone in these thoughts.

 

[Some1's_Wasted_Fetus]

Same. I think when I start to read the survival stories, that's when I start to feel uneasy about every method I'm considering. I get that most of them didn't plan properly and a lot of people who survive change their mind so SI kicks in. Some of these people don't change their mind, they researched the method for months on end and it still doesn't go to plan. That's what makes me feel uneasy. Why is life so unfair that even when wanting to die you can do everything right and still survive?

 

[gus.nixon]

Same. I think when I start to read the survival stories

Are there survival stories with N and if so, are there permanent side effects? I haven't heard much about this

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

maybe take this to mean you aren't ready to make such a final decision?

 

[WornOutLife]

I can relate.
Last year because of my failed attempt, I ended up in a coma for 2 days and in hell for 6 months. (my parents' house)
I'm very scared of failing again because I know my life will become hell for real and I'll spend the rest of my days in a psych ward. Horrible!

Thus, I'm doing lots of research about the methods I'm interested in and how on Earth I can get the materials.

 

[MaybeSoon]

This is more or less why I'm still here. Every time I get serious about it I constantly think about how other people will cope and how the world will be different for them. Like I'm pretty sure every one will be fine eventually but you just don't know. If I could get a glimpse of the future of the people I love laughing and smiling without me I would gone by now lol. On the flip side I'm on a self destructive path so there's risks to me staying around too long as well. Feels like I can't win either way.

 

[Some1's_Wasted_Fetus]

Are there survival stories with N and if so, are there permanent side effects? I haven't heard much about this

Interestingly enough, yes. It's quite surprising since PPeH tends to gloss over it when talking about it's high reliability.

See this thread below on N Survival
^^
In a Netherland study of people taking N, 25% of the individuals survived between two hours and four days. It sounds alarming initially, but there are a lot of variables that aren't being taken into account like whether the person used Meto's to keep it down, how much they weighed, how many bottles they took etc.

Nonetheless I still think N is highly reliable, highly lethal, and virtually painless. I've rarely heard of N failing in such a high dose, following a good regimen. Also never heard of any long-lasting side effects because most people who take it, don't survive to report side effects. Only barrier is obtaining it legally. Once you have it, I believe it's lights out for certain if you play your cards right. It would be my dream to obtain N legally through some legal loophole.

 

[gus.nixon]

It would be my dream to obtain N legally through some legal loophole.

Well, if you're young enough you could decide on school and pursuing a career as a veterinarian. That's your ticket.

 

[Some1's_Wasted_Fetus]

Well, if you're young enough you could decide on school and pursuing a career as a veterinarian. That's your ticket.

I never considered a pre-vet path until now. I'm pretty good friends with someone who just got into vet school. We're not close enough that she'd risk her career as a vet (and being jailed) to sneak it out of the lab and hand it to me knowing what I'd use it for. Fuck, just once I wish I'd tried pre-vet instead of pre-med lol. The vets on this site are so lucky. They can get their hands on multiple vials of N with no suspicion

 

[nasblue]

Like physically sick. I have 2 attempts under my belt, but i just can not move myself to do it again. I think I am afraid of it going wrong, and it is so final. Once I lock in my choice, I can't change it. One of my family members passed away this week from illness. At the memorial, everyone looked and felt sad. However, I felt empty and numb as usual. For them, this is a shocking painful feeling, but I have been feeling this way every single day for the past 5 years and no one has noticed. I would hate to kill myself and give them all a double whammy. But at the same time, everyone just watches as I fade into the background and don't seem to notice how much I have changed. I guess I hide it too well.

I have to go now, I will update this later. Gosh I hate myself so much. I don't deserve to be here anyway.

Well what methods have you tried and what are you looking at?
I'm pretty sure everyone who isn't a psychopath would be put off by a shotgun to the face suicide or the remainders of a train suicide but thank god those aren't the only methods.

 

[Jack'sPain]

This is more or less why I'm still here. Every time I get serious about it I constantly think about how other people will cope and how the world will be different for them. Like I'm pretty sure every one will be fine eventually but you just don't know. If I could get a glimpse of the future of the people I love laughing and smiling without me I would gone by now lol. On the flip side I'm on a self destructive path so there's risks to me staying around too long as well. Feels like I can't win either way.

I am too in that self destructive path and feel looping

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Death is difficult. We hear stories of accidents, murders, and tragedies so often that make it seem so quick and sudden. We forget that death is caused by trauma to the body. It is, by definition, traumatic. Our bodies do not want to die and will do everything to prevent it. It's a really difficult thing to go through, no matter how much you want it or how hard you try.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, the fear of failure holds me back. That is the main thing for me, being left with even worse consequences. Survival instinct is also a problem as we are programmed to survive and it can get in the way of many methods. Taking our own lives is hard. I would do anything just to fall into an eternal sleep. The finality of death is the one thing that comforts me actually, how it is the end of everything.

 

[RealLostSoul]

Facts

 

[sunsetting]

Yeah, and the worst part is that the more peacefull methods are either absurdly hard to achieve or are being restricted.

Something I've found that helps with it is getting in the right mood, you won't be successfull if you have a sliver of doubt about the act. Tried it myself but unfortunately was "saved". Before that I could never bring myself to do it as I woulf always reason with myself that maybe theres a chance of making it but then after pondering for so much time on how better death would be for and why, I had the guts to try it.

 

[Musketeer]

compared to some of the visual hells i have seen, i don't really get sick from researching methods anymore.

 

[Andross01]

Researching methods just shows how difficult most of them are. You can't get drugs that easily or at all. SN is highly restricted. N almost impossible. Doesn't leave many methods if you don't want to end under a train.