Venting I don't want to kill myself, I just don't want to exist anymore

[Dinnerwith6]

Frustrated at how complicated suicide has to be. I do not enjoy going through the painstaking effort of buying the resources, preparing for the set up, letters, location and date etc. Then I have SI that only drags me down. I'm already tired and burnt out now I have to muster up all the energy I have left in me to act on an attempt. And if you fail or get caught, well, now you're just back at square one only now you have setbacks. Of course I look like some maniac because I go through these steps just to what? Die? Yes.

But then people interpret that as a bad thing because hurting yourself = bad, they never think to sit down and wonder why, or rather they don't care to, only that they must stop this person from hurting themselves no matter what they say! And because my mind has warped what it defines as a want, I end up saying 'I want to die' even though it's not actually what I want resulting in me getting the wrong reaction from people.

And don't say 'It gets better'. I wouldn't mind getting better, but if that means waiting for years or even decades to get the proper help or 'cure' then sorry but I'm not going to sit here and wait while my brain claims its glory over me.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Yup. A painless poison should be available to everyone. You go to sleep, no questions asked.

 

[lpdsvm]

Yes. It is complicated I think. I have some options I will try them out when it's time. I also look at my SN or think about it and be like I am gonna take it now whatever. Argh!!! I have these moments but no way will I do it as long as I am not completely screwed. It's not SI, but reasoning. I wouldn't be able to make it into adulthood, if it weren't for that. Very structural and systematic
I also need to stress less about anything. I have some exit options. Why not care less. It's hard. My lizard brain... .