mob
Student
- Jul 19, 2023
- 153
I tend to come back once every few months to give updates on here, for whatever reason.
It still feels odd to me to say that I don't want to end my life anymore, as of right now.
I OD'd on my antidepressants back in September. I don't know if it was a suicide attempt, I don't know if I could call it that. I always stated it had been impulsive, even though it wasn't - I don't know why I kept lying to myself and everyone around me. When I was In the hospital I had a short-lived medication induced psychosis. I was hallucinating and genuinely convinced I'd die that night. The doctors said I was lucky I didn't experience seizures and got away with only mild symptoms, thanks to the charcoal drink and meds they gave me immediately. One day later, I was able to go back home. They wanted to put me in the mental hospital, but I said that wasn't possible as I had two cats at home and was in the middle of moving, it would do me more harm than good.
The months leading up to it feel like a blur now. I hadn't been to work in four months, because I was experiencing a severe depressive episode. Due to an error with my health insurance, I had no money for three months. Job wasn't paying me obviously. I was just laying in bed and would only get up to feed my cats and do the litter boxes. My place was a mess, even when I had maggots at home or when my cats peed on my clothes and furniture I couldn't be bothered to clean it up. I fell into binge eating, maxxed out my credit card to order food three times a day. I had a whole stack of letters from debt collections in my mail that I didn't bother to open. I was supposed to move out on the first day of October. I didn't bother to care about that either. I'd seen my psychiatrist countless times during that time and I explained countless times I had no energy, I was feeling suicidal, I couldn't even get out of bed. The antidepressants weren't doing anything. He just kept prescribing me different ones, which obviously wasn't helping. It's not like I cared, I knew I wanted and needed to die. Everything was getting too much. I gave my girlfriend a key to my apartment so she could get my cats when I'm dead.
Well, it's been three months since then. I decided to accept help since I had nothing to lose anyway and got diagnosed with BPD and am in the middle of getting my ADHD diagnosis now too. I managed to get my stuff to my girlfriends' place and gave my cats away for a few months, until I get my own place again and a new job after my old landlord had kicked me out. I realized work was killing me, so I haven't been to work since May. In December I'll be able to hopefully find a new job. My girlfriend has been my biggest support, without her I don't think I would have cared enough to go on. She paid my bills when I couldn't and got me to get my shit together and see a psychologist. After the OD she stayed with me 24/7 for a month and even though it got on my nerves sometimes, I understand she was worried about me. One of the hardest things was to get out of the binge eating cycle. My new meds have helped with this tremendously. I got a gym membership, even though I've only gone once so far since I've been getting very sick lately, but it's better than nothing. I still feel depressed, that's just part of my disorder unfortunately. But I had a lot of time to reflect on my life, on everything. I don't think I've ever felt okay for this long before.
I'm not here to say "It just gets better like that". It doesn't. I have days I still can't get out of bed and where I feel burnt out, especially when I'm in stressful situations. Most days I don't feel fine. But I feel better than before. I'm 21 and have been both actively and passively suicidal for the past 10 years. Now, most of the time I don't even think about suicide anymore. My mind doesn't immediately jump to the idea of CTB when something bad happens like before. I always thought I was just destined to feel horrible forever and eventually commit suicide at some point. I can't say I won't ever CTB. But I can say with the way things are going right now, I won't end my life this or next year. That's enough for me for now.
It still feels odd to me to say that I don't want to end my life anymore, as of right now.
I OD'd on my antidepressants back in September. I don't know if it was a suicide attempt, I don't know if I could call it that. I always stated it had been impulsive, even though it wasn't - I don't know why I kept lying to myself and everyone around me. When I was In the hospital I had a short-lived medication induced psychosis. I was hallucinating and genuinely convinced I'd die that night. The doctors said I was lucky I didn't experience seizures and got away with only mild symptoms, thanks to the charcoal drink and meds they gave me immediately. One day later, I was able to go back home. They wanted to put me in the mental hospital, but I said that wasn't possible as I had two cats at home and was in the middle of moving, it would do me more harm than good.
The months leading up to it feel like a blur now. I hadn't been to work in four months, because I was experiencing a severe depressive episode. Due to an error with my health insurance, I had no money for three months. Job wasn't paying me obviously. I was just laying in bed and would only get up to feed my cats and do the litter boxes. My place was a mess, even when I had maggots at home or when my cats peed on my clothes and furniture I couldn't be bothered to clean it up. I fell into binge eating, maxxed out my credit card to order food three times a day. I had a whole stack of letters from debt collections in my mail that I didn't bother to open. I was supposed to move out on the first day of October. I didn't bother to care about that either. I'd seen my psychiatrist countless times during that time and I explained countless times I had no energy, I was feeling suicidal, I couldn't even get out of bed. The antidepressants weren't doing anything. He just kept prescribing me different ones, which obviously wasn't helping. It's not like I cared, I knew I wanted and needed to die. Everything was getting too much. I gave my girlfriend a key to my apartment so she could get my cats when I'm dead.
Well, it's been three months since then. I decided to accept help since I had nothing to lose anyway and got diagnosed with BPD and am in the middle of getting my ADHD diagnosis now too. I managed to get my stuff to my girlfriends' place and gave my cats away for a few months, until I get my own place again and a new job after my old landlord had kicked me out. I realized work was killing me, so I haven't been to work since May. In December I'll be able to hopefully find a new job. My girlfriend has been my biggest support, without her I don't think I would have cared enough to go on. She paid my bills when I couldn't and got me to get my shit together and see a psychologist. After the OD she stayed with me 24/7 for a month and even though it got on my nerves sometimes, I understand she was worried about me. One of the hardest things was to get out of the binge eating cycle. My new meds have helped with this tremendously. I got a gym membership, even though I've only gone once so far since I've been getting very sick lately, but it's better than nothing. I still feel depressed, that's just part of my disorder unfortunately. But I had a lot of time to reflect on my life, on everything. I don't think I've ever felt okay for this long before.
I'm not here to say "It just gets better like that". It doesn't. I have days I still can't get out of bed and where I feel burnt out, especially when I'm in stressful situations. Most days I don't feel fine. But I feel better than before. I'm 21 and have been both actively and passively suicidal for the past 10 years. Now, most of the time I don't even think about suicide anymore. My mind doesn't immediately jump to the idea of CTB when something bad happens like before. I always thought I was just destined to feel horrible forever and eventually commit suicide at some point. I can't say I won't ever CTB. But I can say with the way things are going right now, I won't end my life this or next year. That's enough for me for now.
