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alivefornow
thinking about it
- Feb 6, 2023
- 149
I have a lot of hatred in my heart and it has consumed and ruined my life.
My mind makes up violent and gruesome fantasies I shouldn't really describe here, but picture elaborate ways to inflict lifelong suffering onto people.
I don't think I'd have the guts to actually hurt someone, and honestly this makes me feel even worse. I feel weak and pathetic.
I draw no pleasure or relief from these thoughts. Quite the opposite, my heart burns and my limbs feel weak from the crushing depression.
There was no way of knowing I would become this demon. I was a good person. Sad, lonely, depressed, needy... but good.
I used to help others and try to be functional. Now I just grow old and rot. I am making everyone's life worse by existing in this state.
This depression stretch has been the longest and harshest, I can't do this anymore. Life is not precious, in fact, life is killing me.
Ultimately, I think it would be best if I was killed by someone or by an illness. I can't bring myself to end my life.
My only rejoice is that the end is coming anyway, and I really hope there's no afterlife.
My mind makes up violent and gruesome fantasies I shouldn't really describe here, but picture elaborate ways to inflict lifelong suffering onto people.
I don't think I'd have the guts to actually hurt someone, and honestly this makes me feel even worse. I feel weak and pathetic.
I draw no pleasure or relief from these thoughts. Quite the opposite, my heart burns and my limbs feel weak from the crushing depression.
There was no way of knowing I would become this demon. I was a good person. Sad, lonely, depressed, needy... but good.
I used to help others and try to be functional. Now I just grow old and rot. I am making everyone's life worse by existing in this state.
This depression stretch has been the longest and harshest, I can't do this anymore. Life is not precious, in fact, life is killing me.
Ultimately, I think it would be best if I was killed by someone or by an illness. I can't bring myself to end my life.
My only rejoice is that the end is coming anyway, and I really hope there's no afterlife.