Venting i don't want to get better

[pantherauncia]

i know it's a common sentiment but i genuinely, really don't wanna get better. i love the dizziness and "high" of cutting myself. i want people to see my scars. i want other people to know i struggled, i guess? fuck haha that sounds really attention seeky now that i type it out.

i haven't felt like i've been in my own body, probably because of my meds yada yada. i can barely remember what happened in the past two days.

mm. at the same time i want to be hospitalized. i want people to look at me and care for me. i love the smell and the chaos and how i feel foreign. but none of the hospitals around me are rated very high -- all of them are three stars or less. i went to the three star one, i still came out like this ahahahahahahdudjhsjshs Whatever Man

maybe i should go to one of the worst. then i will learn my lesson

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

i know it's a common sentiment but i genuinely, really don't wanna get better. i love the dizziness and "high" of cutting myself. i want people to see my scars. i want other people to know i struggled, i guess? fuck haha that sounds really attention seeky now that i type it out.

i haven't felt like i've been in my own body, probably because of my meds yada yada. i can barely remember what happened in the past two days.

mm. at the same time i want to be hospitalized. i want people to look at me and care for me. i love the smell and the chaos and how i feel foreign. but none of the hospitals around me are rated very high -- all of them are three stars or less. i went to the three star one, i still came out like this ahahahahahahdudjhsjshs Whatever Man

maybe i should go to one of the worst. then i will learn my lesson

It's only natural to want to be noticed. When one is hurting so much, we just want others to acknowledge it. I've felt exactly the same way. Tried desperately to get people to notice something was wrong. Especially as an adolescent, not knowing how to handle my emotions, I did some pretty wacky and immature shiz nit. I used to love going to the adolescent psych ward when I was a teen. I felt like I was actually acknowledged and got to feel like I was being "Saved from myself".

 

[pantherauncia]

It's only natural to want to be noticed. When one is hurting so much, we just want others to acknowledge it. I've felt exactly the same way. Tried desperately to get people to notice something was wrong. Especially as an adolescent, not knowing how to handle my emotions, I did some pretty wacky and immature shiz nit. I used to love going to the adolescent psych ward when I was a teen. I felt like I was actually acknowledged and got to feel like I was being "Saved from myself".

honestly i think this is exactly it. i voluntarily admitted myself twice to feel like i was being saved. for awhile i was, i don't regret going, but i worry what will happen to me on my third admission. it definitely won't be voluntary!!! but that's what worries me i guess.

i have plans to wear arm sleeves to hide where i want to cut myself. if my brothers or mom asks me if i've cut myself, i can show them, and afterwards (when the suspicion is lowest), i'll cut. there's still so much shame lingering in me because i know it'll be a breach of trust. i worry a camera will be placed in my room like after my first admission.

sorry to dump this on you, i know you were just relating your experience to mine. i think i'm just waffling at this point djhdhshsh

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

honestly i think this is exactly it. i voluntarily admitted myself twice to feel like i was being saved. for awhile i was, i don't regret going, but i worry what will happen to me on my third admission. it definitely won't be voluntary!!! but that's what worries me i guess.

i have plans to wear arm sleeves to hide where i want to cut myself. if my brothers or mom asks me if i've cut myself, i can show them, and afterwards (when the suspicion is lowest), i'll cut. there's still so much shame lingering in me because i know it'll be a breach of trust. i worry a camera will be placed in my room like after my first admission.

sorry to dump this on you, i know you were just relating your experience to mine. i think i'm just waffling at this point djhdhshsh

No need to be sorry, that's what we're here for. Exchanging our experiences and feelings is a good way to deal with them. It's nice to know we're not alone. And not just in a general sense, but in the nitty gritty details of our messed up brains LOL.