i don’t want to get better

[underscore_nine]

i've been depressed for sometime, finally cut the last few friends i had left out of my life. i don't want to get better and be happy again. I would rather be depressed to motivate me to ctb eventually. for the last several years i've felt nothing and when im depressed i feel something, i want to make things really really bad in a sense torturing myself to death by ruining my mental state until i can't take it anymore and die. i broke up with my girlfriend, blocked friends, avoid everyone irl, i haven't spoke out loud in days. I need more though, i was considering decreasing the amount of sleep i get from 8.5 hours to 6 which usually makes me feel like shit.. any other suggestions? thanks

 

[penguinl0v3s]

You sound like you're struggling with feeling like you have to "prove yourself" to ctb and you don't. Imo the ideal way is to plan and have everything ready for an emergency bad situation, why subject yourself to a slow degradation? Unless you have some sort of self-worth issue and think you deserve pain, but I believe nobody deserves self-inflicted pain.

 

[underscore_nine]

You sound like you're struggling with feeling like you have to "prove yourself" to ctb and you don't. Imo the ideal way is to plan and have everything ready for an emergency bad situation, why subject yourself to a slow degradation? Unless you have some sort of self-worth issue and think you deserve pain, but I believe nobody deserves self-inflicted pain.

i hate myself more than anyone else ever will. i hate physical pain but mentally destroying myself until i die sounds like something i deserve. my family hates me, im disgusting, i don't deserve to just be able to leave this world without suffering first

 

[penguinl0v3s]

i hate myself more than anyone else ever will. i hate physical pain but mentally destroying myself until i die sounds like something i deserve. my family hates me, im disgusting, i don't deserve to just be able to leave this world without suffering first

I mean... sounds like you're already suffering plenty. Otherwise you wouldn't be on a suicide forum lol.

 

[underscore_nine]

I mean... sounds like you're already suffering plenty. Otherwise you wouldn't be on a suicide forum lol.

it can always get worse and that's my intention, i want to make it so much worse

 

[enstarve]

Cutting sleep and meals short is a good way to start ruining yourself if thats what you really aim for that! Try smoking cigarettes or alcoholism if you havent already. In a similar situation currently, its a joyful (in a more twisted way) ride, to have control over the ruin you hold above your head.

 

[underscore_nine]

Cutting sleep and meals short is a good way to start ruining yourself if thats what you really aim for that! Try smoking cigarettes or alcoholism if you havent already. In a similar situation currently, its a joyful (in a more twisted way) ride, to have control over the ruin you hold above your head.

thank you, im excited start :)

 

[meltskelt]

I get what you are feeling ( maybe?) - It's like we need a push to end things once and for all. To be honest I migth also do the same as you are doing now

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I relate. I don't want to get better either. And, besides, what, am I supposed to get better so that I appreciate being used as a wage slave or that I "chose" to want to continue working and suffering? I don't even need to sabotage myself here as I lack the necessary skills to function as an adult anyway which should lead to my eventual death. Though I guess not working to gain these necessary skills is like a sabotage, not that I care anymore as I never wanted to play the game to begin with

 

[Reuthry]

Yeah I also don't want to get better. I actually want to get worse so I can ctb sooner.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

i've been depressed for sometime, finally cut the last few friends i had left out of my life. i don't want to get better and be happy again. I would rather be depressed to motivate me to ctb eventually. for the last several years i've felt nothing and when im depressed i feel something, i want to make things really really bad in a sense torturing myself to death by ruining my mental state until i can't take it anymore and die. i broke up with my girlfriend, blocked friends, avoid everyone irl, i haven't spoke out loud in days. I need more though, i was considering decreasing the amount of sleep i get from 8.5 hours to 6 which usually makes me feel like shit.. any other suggestions? thanks

I hear you. I keep having these same thoughts. The happy/sad thing is just a big see saw and I want to get off the ride altogether.

 

[fxxhan175]

i've been depressed for sometime, finally cut the last few friends i had left out of my life. i don't want to get better and be happy again. I would rather be depressed to motivate me to ctb eventually. for the last several years i've felt nothing and when im depressed i feel something, i want to make things really really bad in a sense torturing myself to death by ruining my mental state until i can't take it anymore and die. i broke up with my girlfriend, blocked friends, avoid everyone irl, i haven't spoke out loud in days. I need more though, i was considering decreasing the amount of sleep i get from 8.5 hours to 6 which usually makes me feel like shit.. any other suggestions? thanks

I saw a meme once that was like "I have a twisted, clinical fascination with seeing exactly how bad it can get" and that feels like my life right now because it's like I'm actively doing things to make my situation worse so that I can finally have a huge mental break, override my SI and finally ctb. Because it's gotten to a point where I've destroyed myself beyond return that no meds, no therapy, no amount of love from friends or family can keep me here. I'm acting solely via impulses right now and it almost feels like a huge relief that I don't have to put up an act anymore for anybody and that soon none of this is going to matter.

 

[underscore_nine]

I saw a meme once that was like "I have a twisted, clinical fascination with seeing exactly how bad it can get" and that feels like my life right now because it's like I'm actively doing things to make my situation worse so that I can finally have a huge mental break, override my SI and finally ctb. Because it's gotten to a point where I've destroyed myself beyond return that no meds, no therapy, no amount of love from friends or family can keep me here. I'm acting solely via impulses right now and it almost feels like a huge relief that I don't have to put up an act anymore for anybody and that soon none of this is going to matter.

that's really sad, i'm sorry to hear that, i don't know what to say

 

[matt1968]

I am doing something like this too.

I think for me it's low self-esteem. But also because I think I've got off the floor so many times to start again with life, that I can't take anymore.

It's a cliche but if it was a boxing contest, the towel would have been thrown in a while back. In the absence of that, perhaps I've stood up knowing I'll be pumelled till it's clear.

I send you my best wishes.

 

[Galatic_caty]

i've been depressed for sometime, finally cut the last few friends i had left out of my life. i don't want to get better and be happy again. I would rather be depressed to motivate me to ctb eventually. for the last several years i've felt nothing and when im depressed i feel something, i want to make things really really bad in a sense torturing myself to death by ruining my mental state until i can't take it anymore and die. i broke up with my girlfriend, blocked friends, avoid everyone irl, i haven't spoke out loud in days. I need more though, i was considering decreasing the amount of sleep i get from 8.5 hours to 6 which usually makes me feel like shit.. any other suggestions? thanks

I have same thoughts, but, at least in my case, after doing self-sabotaging things i feel empty inside... even when i have thrown away all my documents and my phone i didn't cry, wasn't even sad. Rather i felt... dread?
I personally don't think that this is best idea of making yourself to cbt, but i would suggest to spend all of your money and don't go to work, if you are going to. If you will come back to work, then, perhaps, there are still things that you enjoy.
If you want to completely ruin your life you may take credit without any chance of repaying it. That way you may feel fear of deadline for credit.
I dont think decreasing sleep time will help you to cbt. Yeah, you will feel worse, but also even more tired than before.
I am new here so its... kinda hard to give you valid suggestions since i am worried about you, but i think you already had enough of those worries.
And sorry for bad english :_D

 

[Angel of Spades]

Decreasing sleep for sure, maybe even altering your sleep schedule so that it's nocturnal to reduce exposure to other people, light, the outdoors (oh right stay inside for sure). Being up alone at night is sure to get the wheels turning, and sleep deprivation will speed up the mental distress.

Cutting off communication was a good idea, cutting off other basic needs such as eating may also help. Otherwise I'd suggest triggering yourself with things that bother you, or overstimulating yourself. For example if there's music you hate, blast it into your ears. If there are things that make you think of people or make your emotionally devastated, pursue those avenues. I personally have been through a lot of emotional turmoil due to losing people I loved, and that's been my driving motivator.

If you want to put in the effort, you could also make more friends only to push them away harshly and watch them treat you like shit before cutting you off. But, that comes with the issue that you'd be hurting them, too, for basically no reason, so I don't really suggest that one.

Other than that just marinate on this forum. Reading others' thoughts and motivations may help you come to your own conclusions and push you to think about what you've been through that would appropriately influence wanting to CTB.

 

[jatty]

I don't want to get better either. My troubles are incurable and while I technically could get "better," I just.. don't want to. Too much effort. That's literally it. I am tired. So tired. I think people underestimate me when I say that because they haven't experienced such constant unending exhaustion.

Imagine having to do a exam that dictates your entire future but for the past year you have only been getting one hour of sleep each day and you can hardly even remember the material.
And you've been trying to get help but it never works out because your too tired to get helped. Yea. That's what I feel like constantly.

They say that other people can't do the work for you and only you can change yourself. I guess I'm not changing any time soon then.

 

[Princess_Kitty]

Looks like a lot of us don't want to get better, I certainly don't either. I've been depressed for so long that I don't know what happiness feels like. It's almost like I'm afraid to be happy only for that happiness to get destroyed. So, I'd rather stick to staying depressed and suicidal. Something that I'm good at.

 

[BlazingBob]

Because of debilitating physical problems I can't get better even if I wanted to. My body won't let me. You mentioned sleep deprivation. I have 4 sleep diseases and I can attest to the fact that not getting adequate sleep is definitely something that could put you over the edge. I live with it everyday. I don't have a choice. Sleep issues are my number one driver for wanting to ctb. My life is over and I'm fucked no matter what I do.