Venting I dont want to get better. I want something to push me to the edge.

[Smelly_ballz]

I dont even want to get better. I havent in years. I used to want to but I just want to end it. I want something to push me over the edge so I can complete my destiny. I am in therapy and today I am going to tell my therapist I don't want to get better and that I am being somewhat-forced to be in it. Lover will break up with me if I dont get treatment. They shouldnt even love me anyway; one reason is the issue I am having right now. I'm too fucking stubborn to want to change. Even when i am feeling kind of better, I am just as obsessed, if not more so, with suicide. I am so obsessed with it I cannot do anything. I can only piss and type/write bc I'm so focused on killing myself.
I feel constantly so fucking frustrated and upset with myself for being suicidal but yet feel okay. How the hell do I want to die but also feel okay at the same time??? I can't wait for next week to be over.

 

[flp_]

I'm too fucking stubborn to want to change

feel you

fucked my life because of that

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Wanting to die yet feeling OK is probably a sign that you're reached that point of acceptance that ctb is the right thing to do.
Not wanting to get better is also another sign of acceptance.
I'm in this state of mind too.

 

[Smelly_ballz]

Wanting to die yet feeling OK is probably a sign that you're reached that point of acceptance that ctb is the right thing to do.
Not wanting to get better is also another sign of acceptance.
I'm in this state of mind too.

I have considered this. It feels like the right thing to do, but yet I dont get that sinking sadness in my chest like I used to when I think about it. That sadness used to be able to push me. Now it is just either nothing or my chest feels light. I only feel guilt for my lover, that's it.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I can relate to this in some ways and I agree with what @Nembutal dreams said already.

I've given up hope for my future and I want CTB but yet a final trigger is still missing. Going on would be an option if things changed.

 

[Stuckinpast28]

I have considered this. It feels like the right thing to do, but yet I dont get that sinking sadness in my chest like I used to when I think about it. That sadness used to be able to push me. Now it is just either nothing or my chest feels light. I only feel guilt for my lover, that's it.

Yeah, that sounds like your consciousness accepting the fact that you want to die. The only thing holding you back is knowing that you will inflict pain on the people who love you. I don't like giving people advice on suicide but if that is your choice letting those people go might sever that guilt and give you the push you need.

 

[Smelly_ballz]

Yeah, that sounds like your consciousness accepting the fact that you want to die. The only thing holding you back is knowing that you will inflict pain on the people who love you. I don't like giving people advice on suicide but if that is your choice letting those people go might sever that guilt and give you the push you need.

I am doing that :] I do it consciously, but mostly subconsciously. I have mild anger issues and I have become so enveloped in death that I don't want to/can't speak, so that helps.

 

[Oathkeeper]

I've had similar thoughts. I've tried so much to get better, from inpatient care, to extensive outpatient, medications, going out with friends, etc. etc.

Just can't pick myself up anymore. Just kinda hoping for more shit to befall me out of interest. Like, fuck it, let's see just how low the floor really is.
Even if I did "get better" I'm just not sure what the point would be. I don't see a future, and I don't want to wander through life aimlessly anymore. I suppose healing could change my perspective, but I don't see that happening, realistically.