I don't want to do this life

[Cashewmilk]

Since I was around 12, maybe even before, I have said to my family and to my friends etc - I don't want to do this life. We're all forced to do things as children, and for the rest of our lives until we die. I don't want to live in a world where I am forcing myself to do things I don't want to do. I'm glad that most of society thinks it's great and wonderful to live like this, but I don't. Sorry. Never have. It's soul destroying and degrading and so boring, and tiring, and painful - I just do not have the energy and motivation to do it, my body literally hurts from laborious work, and my face hurts from thinking too hard, I have severe mental illnesses that I was born with, I was raised with fucked up people, my family is absolutely the most fucked up thing I've ever seen. I know people feel amazing after working so hard and seeing the result, but all I do is become traumatized and exhausted after, and never ever want to do it again. I am in my 30's now, and I feel no different. I never tried to accomplish anything in life because I just didn't even know how, I had no guidance, no support, no healthcare, nothing, I never tried because I didn't want to be here, I was hoping to CTB in the next 10 years since I was a teenager but I was too afraid, and failed any real attempt to get a painless peaceful exit. When I was a kid, I didn't know ANYTHING about the real world, all I knew was that you have to go to school, then go to work to make money to survive. That's all I knew, but since then I've learned so much, and I didn't realize that it was worse than that. I probably sound ungrateful, because honestly we're a lot better off than most countries and most of history and this is the best time to be alive if you're rich as fuck, but it doesn't matter, I don't want ANY part of it, and the fact that this is the best we can do is just further proof that this world is a complete shit hole. Maybe if I wasn't so curious and opinionated and stubborn, I could have remained ignorant and robotic and do what I was told. But I can't. I hate it, I hate being told what to do especially if I fucking hate doing it. I spent most of my life CLEANING. I fucking hate cleaning! I let my room turn into a condemned pig pen once because of how much I hated cleaning and how rock bottom I got with my bipolar. I hate going to the bathroom, I hate eating, I hate breathing. Why am I like this? Sometimes I really wish I was "normal" so I could just go on with life and live it out and die off, but I absolutely can't do it. Not after what I know and feel. I hate being asked or expected to get things going, I'm just floating through life and thank god for my family because I couldn't live off what the government gives me, and I am NOT looking forward to becoming a prostitute again! I can't do real work, I can barely function for more than a few hours per day anyway - I could barely do sex work either lol. But in the past I've never found a job where it was actually easy and relaxing, I've heard of it from other people where they slack off all day, but I'm clearly not clever enough or know the right people to get one of those, I can't even speak on the phone to anyone, or even leave a message, it takes me days of preparation to get on the phone these days and talk, I can't pronounce my own name, and nobody can understand my soft mumbling voice, I get extreme anxiety from any social situation...my heart thumps so hard through my chest that it hurts and I can hear it, and I get hot flashes and sweaty, my blood pressure goes up high too because I was once tested and the nurse was worried about it, I just told her that's my panic attack, it's totally normal for me. Can anyone here relate... or am I just absolutely insane and alone in my thoughts.

 

[StateOfMind]

I would like to read everything but its super difficult with so much text and no paragraphs. Also not everyone has "good" eyes.

 

[ERASED]

I completely understand how you feel. I feel the same way. I plan on CTB beginning of june. I can't wait. Im done living in a world full of regret and bullshit.

 

[Cashewmilk]

I would like to read everything but its super difficult with so much text and no paragraphs. Also not everyone has "good" eyes.

I apologize. I always forget that I write so much I couldn't edit so I wrote it below

Since I was around 12, maybe even before, I have said to my family and to my friends etc - I don't want to do this life. We're all forced to do things as children, and for the rest of our lives until we die. I don't want to live in a world where I am forcing myself to do things I don't want to do. I'm glad that most of society thinks it's great and wonderful to live like this, but I don't. Sorry. Never have.

It's soul destroying and degrading and so boring, and tiring, and painful - I just do not have the energy and motivation to do it, my body literally hurts from laborious work, and my face hurts from thinking too hard, I have severe mental illnesses that I was born with, I was raised with fucked up people, my family is absolutely the most fucked up thing I've ever seen.

I know people feel amazing after working so hard and seeing the result, but all I do is become traumatized and exhausted after, and never ever want to do it again. I am in my 30's now, and I feel no different. I never tried to accomplish anything in life because I just didn't even know how, I had no guidance, no support, no healthcare, nothing, I never tried because I didn't want to be here, I was hoping to CTB in the next 10 years since I was a teenager but I was too afraid, and failed any real attempt to get a painless peaceful exit.

When I was a kid, I didn't know ANYTHING about the real world, all I knew was that you have to go to school, then go to work to make money to survive. That's all I knew, but since then I've learned so much, and I didn't realize that it was worse than that. I probably sound ungrateful, because honestly we're a lot better off than most countries and most of history and this is the best time to be alive if you're rich as fuck, but it doesn't matter, I don't want ANY part of it, and the fact that this is the best we can do is just further proof that this world is a complete shit hole.

Maybe if I wasn't so curious and opinionated and stubborn, I could have remained ignorant and robotic and do what I was told. But I can't. I hate it, I hate being told what to do especially if I fucking hate doing it. I spent most of my life CLEANING. I fucking hate cleaning! I let my room turn into a condemned pig pen once because of how much I hated cleaning and how rock bottom I got with my bipolar.

I hate going to the bathroom, I hate eating, I hate breathing. Why am I like this? Sometimes I really wish I was "normal" so I could just go on with life and live it out and die off, but I absolutely can't do it. Not after what I know and feel.

I hate being asked or expected to get things going, I'm just floating through life and thank god for my family because I couldn't live off what the government gives me, and I am NOT looking forward to becoming a prostitute again! I can't do real work, I can barely function for more than a few hours per day anyway - I could barely do sex work either lol.

But in the past I've never found a job where it was actually easy and relaxing, I've heard of it from other people where they slack off all day, but I'm clearly not clever enough or know the right people to get one of those, I can't even speak on the phone to anyone, or even leave a message, it takes me days of preparation to get on the phone these days and talk, I can't pronounce my own name, and nobody can understand my soft mumbling voice, I get extreme anxiety from any social situation...my heart thumps so hard through my chest that it hurts and I can hear it, and I get hot flashes and sweaty, my blood pressure goes up high too because I was once tested and the nurse was worried about it, I just told her that's my panic attack, it's totally normal for me.

Can anyone here relate... or am I just absolutely insane and alone in my thoughts.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

I can totally relate. I don't have things as hard as you do, but every day all day long I think to myself "I don't want to do this anymore".

I was smart as a kid and people talked about me like I was going to do well in life, but I never got a choice in life (though I have to admit I got a lucky break here and there). I've never been able to be myself. I've never been able to own my own feelings - to feel, and to be, and to say and do what I WANT.

I know I'm lucky to have a job and a roof over my head, but I don't *want* any of it.

 

[MeriDeath]

I feel you.
Most of us don't feel like they belong here.
In fact I can tell you that once I'm near death I will be very happy. Thinking about death makes me happy.
So it's quite ok if you've tried and realised this is not for you.
Life has to end in some point. If you decide life is not for you, it's totally ok. We're in the same boat.

 

[mote]

I thought I was the only one who felt like this.

 

[Cashewmilk]

I can totally relate. I don't have things as hard as you do, but every day all day long I think to myself "I don't want to do this anymore".

I was smart as a kid and people talked about me like I was going to do well in life, but I never got a choice in life (though I have to admit I got a lucky break here and there). I've never been able to be myself. I've never been able to own my own feelings - to feel, and to be, and to say and do what I WANT.

I know I'm lucky to have a job and a roof over my head, but I don't *want* any of it.

I know what you mean. I could have probably tried harder to have that life, but I never wanted it. Since I was probably 6 or 7, my mom talked to me about money and how when I grow up I'll have to get my own money, and I asked "why?", she said "so you can buy your own things, your own makeup etc". I was like "no I don't want to do that". And with all the pressure and force to do that, I felt like I was being pulled into a dark pit. When people talk about getting sober to me and being clean, I think for what? It will suck. I'd rather have something to look forward to like drugs and sugary food, instead of living for others... I am lucky, for now. One day I will have to fend for myself, it'll be the best time to CTB.

I feel you.
Most of us don't feel like they belong here.
In fact I can tell you that once I'm near death I will be very happy. Thinking about death makes me happy.
So it's quite ok if you've tried and realised this is not for you.
Life has to end in some point. If you decide life is not for you, it's totally ok. We're in the same boat.

I know what that feels like. I have made many serious attempts, hanging and overdose on opiates. I was truly expecting to die, it's a hard step, it's scary for me to forcefully shut down my body, but it was something I looked forward to. Nowadays all I have is sleep. Sleep makes me very happy... especially recently I found a new blanket! A cool thin sheet, just feels amazing, like what opiates feel like, and probably dying... I wish I had a way out with a method but I don't. I don't have access to many of the methods described here like N or SN, gas, etc. I'm way too terrified of jumping but when the time comes, I'll find a way.

I thought I was the only one who felt like this.

That's why I wanted to post this. I wanted to let others know they're not alone.

 

[ssaaahmo]

Since I was around 12, maybe even before, I have said to my family and to my friends etc - I don't want to do this life. We're all forced to do things as children, and for the rest of our lives until we die. I don't want to live in a world where I am forcing myself to do things I don't want to do. I'm glad that most of society thinks it's great and wonderful to live like this, but I don't. Sorry. Never have. It's soul destroying and degrading and so boring, and tiring, and painful - I just do not have the energy and motivation to do it, my body literally hurts from laborious work, and my face hurts from thinking too hard, I have severe mental illnesses that I was born with, I was raised with fucked up people, my family is absolutely the most fucked up thing I've ever seen. I know people feel amazing after working so hard and seeing the result, but all I do is become traumatized and exhausted after, and never ever want to do it again. I am in my 30's now, and I feel no different. I never tried to accomplish anything in life because I just didn't even know how, I had no guidance, no support, no healthcare, nothing, I never tried because I didn't want to be here, I was hoping to CTB in the next 10 years since I was a teenager but I was too afraid, and failed any real attempt to get a painless peaceful exit. When I was a kid, I didn't know ANYTHING about the real world, all I knew was that you have to go to school, then go to work to make money to survive. That's all I knew, but since then I've learned so much, and I didn't realize that it was worse than that. I probably sound ungrateful, because honestly we're a lot better off than most countries and most of history and this is the best time to be alive if you're rich as fuck, but it doesn't matter, I don't want ANY part of it, and the fact that this is the best we can do is just further proof that this world is a complete shit hole. Maybe if I wasn't so curious and opinionated and stubborn, I could have remained ignorant and robotic and do what I was told. But I can't. I hate it, I hate being told what to do especially if I fucking hate doing it. I spent most of my life CLEANING. I fucking hate cleaning! I let my room turn into a condemned pig pen once because of how much I hated cleaning and how rock bottom I got with my bipolar. I hate going to the bathroom, I hate eating, I hate breathing. Why am I like this? Sometimes I really wish I was "normal" so I could just go on with life and live it out and die off, but I absolutely can't do it. Not after what I know and feel. I hate being asked or expected to get things going, I'm just floating through life and thank god for my family because I couldn't live off what the government gives me, and I am NOT looking forward to becoming a prostitute again! I can't do real work, I can barely function for more than a few hours per day anyway - I could barely do sex work either lol. But in the past I've never found a job where it was actually easy and relaxing, I've heard of it from other people where they slack off all day, but I'm clearly not clever enough or know the right people to get one of those, I can't even speak on the phone to anyone, or even leave a message, it takes me days of preparation to get on the phone these days and talk, I can't pronounce my own name, and nobody can understand my soft mumbling voice, I get extreme anxiety from any social situation...my heart thumps so hard through my chest that it hurts and I can hear it, and I get hot flashes and sweaty, my blood pressure goes up high too because I was once tested and the nurse was worried about it, I just told her that's my panic attack, it's totally normal for me. Can anyone here relate... or am I just absolutely insane and alone in my thoughts.

I have thought this a lot. You didn't sound ungrateful because suffering is suffering no matter where it happens or who it happens to.