I don't want to die...I DO NOT WANT TO DIE...but I am not allowed to live

[oopswronglife]

I don't want to die. I am so fucking depressed and angry and hopeless. I am old. I am broken. I am alone. All of it was done TO me and none of it my fault so I don't hate myself but I do now hate my body after never feeling that before. It was a victim too. But now I feel disgusted to be in it. I got a new diagnoses recently. Another thing caused by other's negligence long ago. A disease I've apparently had hiding for years and didn't know it. One I had ignored signs of out of ignorance. One no fucking doctor recognized in all this time. One with no cure. One that isn't fatal on it's own, but that is life altering and can lead to fatal complications. I already have a few other illnesses/damages all caused by doctors and shitty people. I can't take more. Until this I was hanging on to a thread...a thread that if I could just get stablized that I MIGHT be able to manage to the natural end somehow...not happy but with a survivable life maybe doing good for others. I just lose more and more...have more and more stolen...have nobody in my personal life but shitty family who hate me and resent me. I cannot even ctb at the time of my chosing because I am here and any change in routine would be interrogated by the people who ignore me all other times. Because its always about them. I have many methods....the best ones....but I DONT WANT TO DIE and I can't even fucking do it on my terms if I have to. Fucking doctors...fucking people...

 

[Ruffian]

I don't want to die. I am so fucking depressed and angry and hopeless. I am old. I am broken. I am alone. All of it was done TO me and none of it my fault so I don't hate myself but I do now hate my body after never feeling that before. It was a victim too. But now I feel disgusted to be in it. I got a new diagnoses recently. Another thing caused by other's negligence long ago. A disease I've apparently had hiding for years and didn't know it. One I had ignored signs of out of ignorance. One no fucking doctor recognized in all this time. One with no cure. One that isn't fatal on it's own, but that is life altering and can lead to fatal complications. I already have a few other illnesses/damages all caused by doctors and shitty people. I can't take more. Until this I was hanging on to a thread...a thread that if I could just get stablized that I MIGHT be able to manage to the natural end somehow...not happy but with a survivable life maybe doing good for others. I just lose more and more...have more and more stolen...have nobody in my personal life but shitty family who hate me and resent me. I cannot even ctb at the time of my chosing because I am here and any change in routine would be interrogated by the people who ignore me all other times. Because its always about them. I have many methods....the best ones....but I DONT WANT TO DIE and I can't even fucking do it on my terms if I have to. Fucking doctors...fucking people...

I don't know what you're definition of old is, but I'm definitely not young. I've liked the young people I've met on here, but it's good to know there's another person here older, and who hates doctors. I hate them so fucking much except for my one primary care and he's a PA. I've suffered abuse from them. If you'd like to PM, please do so, I would like to share stories about doctors and such. I'm no stranger to abuse.

 

[snowman626]

The whole medical system is fucked up. Its designed to keep you sick and dependent on their expensive but ineffective medications that merely treat symptoms but doesnt cure you.

 

[Ruffian]

I seriously expand to anyone who has suffered abuse from medical doctors or mental health professionals, if you need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me. You can send a long, angry rant if you wish - too many people suffer more as a result of interacting with those people. And no one cares if you try to complain or report someone.

NAMI is a fucking joke, they couldn't even make a phone call about an ER psychiatrist slapping another DSM diagnosis on me while I was manic. When I have in my Emergency info in my iPhone that I can be a total douche when I'm manic. Not those exact words of course. But definitely a warning, and I was textbook manic.

I hate the whole narrative about "starting the conversation" about suicide. It's been started, here, by us. Who has the guts to read about our suffering? And not judge us or tell us what to do?