Story I Don't Want To Die, But I Can't Live Without Her

[lookingforlove]

Every child had that one movie growing up. You know the one. Whether it be Moana or Shrek, they had it on repeat non-stop. Mine was The Princess Bride. Did this mold me as a person? Did you feel your childhood movie shaped you?

All I ever wanted was to be in love. It's all I can ever remember. Yet it has escaped me time and time again. 4 years ago, I believe I've finally found that love. Why? Because I've finally found someone worth dying for. Sounds cliche I know, but that is how I feel.

20 years of unrequited love; 10 years of suicidal thoughts. That is my story. And now I am finally at peace with it coming to an end. I hope I don't come across as bitter, because I wish Her nothing but happiness. She will end my suffering, one way or another, and for that I am truly thankful.

I don't want to die, but I can't live without Her.

So let this be a "megathread" of sorts about my story. I have been cursed with a good memory so I can relive all my wonderful rejections in painful detail and share them all with you. Feel free to ask any questions, share your childhood movie, or try to convince me that Romeo & Juliet were not actually in love (they totally were).

 

[enigmática saudade]

Relationships are bs. I'll never have one in my life.
I don't want to hurt anyone or get hurt by anyone.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Going to be honest here: I think romantic reasons are among the worst reasons to ctb. Here's my history:

I've been proposed to three times in my life: the first time I said no, and that was the correct decision. He still carries a torch more than thirty years later and would marry me tomorrow if I gave him the chance. He's still not the one. There's nothing I can do to make him happy in this regard.

Second time? I said yes, and he broke off the engagement after the date was set, the chapel was booked and the dress was hanging in the closet. It was the right decision for him, but it devastated me. That was the first time I was suicidal.

Third time? I said yes, and we are married. He is the guy for me; I am the woman he has been waiting for. People can pick us out from across the room and know we are partners. I was a first-time bride at 38, and it was a fairy tale come true. (Really a fairy tale, we got married at a theme park.) Anyone who knows either of us will tell you about how perfect we are together.

If I'd given up after #2, I'd never have got to #3.

I'm not saying that everyone has some big happy ending waiting or that there's someone out there for everyone. I know that isn't true. But I do know that there are so many people in the world that there is more than one option for many of us. I don't believe in soulmates, I believe that we all have different people who could be right for us at different times.

Please give this is another good, hard think about. Another person seems like the wrong reason to hurt yourself.

 

[theguineapigking]

I personally think relationships and love is bullcrap. It is full of emotional ups and downs and lots of annoying work. It is overrated and an absolute waste of time. I am only 21 male. But I see things as they are. 50% of marriages fail based on statistics. Marriage is way too emotional. Relationships in general are just annoying. There are people like UpAndDownPrincess in this thread that are happy. I'm glad for that. But you just never know with marriage.



I'd only want to be with someone(maybe) if it was DEFINITELY long term,and even into the afterlife(if there is one). Even then it's doubtful.



lookingforlove,I am not here to judge you in anyway. But sometimes you do find the one person you want to be with and it does end up working out. I know rejection is painful,which is also why I'll never open myself up to be punched and kicked over. But there are those that get married and are truly happy. I mean,look at the story in this post by princess. It took 3 guys for her to feel like she got it right. You don't have to give up hope yet. Talk to someone if you can. Since this is emotional relationship stuff,I can't really advise you. But I'd get support from a brother or friend.


I wish you happiness. I hope you find someone that you can be with and makes you happy.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

She will end my suffering, one way or another, and for that I am truly thankful.

I don't want to die, but I can't live without Her.

So let this be a "megathread" of sorts about my story. I have been cursed with a good memory so I can relive all my wonderful rejections in painful detail and share them all with you.

Dude. This thread. Ima speak straight to you.

It's like you're going to write your manifesto and then either commit a murder-suicide or kill yourself in front of her with the last words "thank you."

What's up with all the capital "Her"? She's a fallible human, not a deity, and she is in no way responsible for you choosing to end your suffering with suicide or any other act. You lived without her before you ever met her. If you don't want to die, don't.

If you abuse or rely on substances or were the child of an alcoholic, I compassionately suggest you check out a 12 step group. If you are concerned you may hurt others, I compassionately suggest you contact a domestic violence organization for a referral to a counseling service for offenders so that you don't become one. Both options teach self-responsibility, which is hella empowering once you get the hang of it. If you were abused as a child, I compassionately recommend finding a therapist and/or support group with that focus. I compassionately recommend anything that will help you learn to participate in awareness of the present instead of living in the fantasies of movies and RPGs. I compassionately recommend the book Boundaries, ignoring the Christian elements if that's not your thing, it's definitely not mine.

Life is fucking hard, but when you have the support to learn emotion- and life-management skills and tools, along with healthy boundaries, you can find inner resources you didn't even know you had. You are quite possibly far more capable than you know.

You may think I'm full of shit or incapable of comprehending. That's cool. I don't control you, I'm not inside of you, and I can't nor should I try to define your self and your experiences for you. I just care enough to be real with you. I leave it to you to manage and live your life as you see fit, I certainly can't do it for you and I'd be delusional and/or megalomaniacal if I thought I could come in and take your shit over. So I'm gonna leave all this here and exit the thread, but I want you to know that I sincerely wish you safe support, well-being, peace, personal liberty, and self-determination. Whether you choose to live or to ctb, I respect your right to choose for yourself.

 

[lookingforlove]

@enigmática saudade:
That reminds me of the "That's a super great philosophy" scene from Good Will Hunting. I have never felt greater pain than heartache, but I'd do it again if there was a chance at love. In that scene, they use a poker analogy. I too felt like I played my hand and lost big. Each rejection has eaten away at my stack of chips. However, this time I went all-in and have no more chips left to play.

@UpandDownPrincess:
I'm happy for you. I don't know your timeline but if kids are important to you, then I'd guess you found the one before menopause. Fortunately, men don't "expire" but I have done the math--the odds of success lessen with every passing second. Like I said, I've been dealing with rejection for 20 years now. Never once have I done the rejecting like you have. Maybe if I even had one person who liked me who I rejected, I'd have a different perspective. But to be honest, at this point, I probably wouldn't reject anyone. The bar is so low that not only can someone just walk over it, they could stumble and trip over it and I'd be there to catch their fall.

@theguineapigking:
Do you mean an arranged marriage? I am open to that idea, however it is rare in this day and age in western culture. I was born into western culture, however I have eastern culture in my blood. I don't have any numbers, but it is to my understanding that high divorce rates is synonymous with western culture (someone please correct me if I'm wrong). I take marriage very seriously and would do everything in my power to make it work before I would even consider divorce.

@GoodPersonEffed:
I think you're reading too much into my post. I can see how "Her" could be interpretted with a religious context, however that was not my intention. It is merely a way to refer to Her without using a name and not confusing it with any other her. I don't drink nor have I ever drank in my life. I am not a violent person. I would never hurt another human being, and I would like to say animal too but I am not a vegan. Dogs are amazing and can even be better than people at times. I don't think there's anything wrong with liking romantic literature or even fantasizing. I know how to separate fantasy from reality. I don't go shooting people because I watch violent movies or play violent video games. Why shouldn't that same logic apply to romantic movies or romantic video games? I want love. What does that mean in practical terms for me? Simply to be a good husband and father. That is all I ask for in life. She holds no responsibility in my death; only I do for failing myself. There is no sense of urgency in my death, but my days are numbered where I will be able to succeed in any meaningful way. I chose the life I want and I chose to end it.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

@UpandDownPrincess:
I'm happy for you. I don't know your timeline but if kids are important to you, then I'd guess you found the one before menopause. Fortunately, men don't "expire" but I have done the math--the odds of success lessen with every passing second. Like I said, I've been dealing with rejection for 20 years now. Never once have I done the rejecting like you have. Maybe if I even had one person who liked me who I rejected, I'd have a different perspective. But to be honest, at this point, I probably wouldn't reject anyone. The bar is so low that not only can someone just walk over it, they could stumble and trip over it and I'd be there to catch their fall.

I had already decided that I would not have children since I did not want to pass on my mental illness. Didn't matter. My husband has five children from his first marriage. We're all stocked up.

 

[itsmeagain]

Hey darling. I myself had a break up and unrequited love for a long time. I was lied to for a whole year out of two, being told that i was loved. When they promised that they would never lie, when they told me that they would always be here through all the mental issues because they "loved me"...

And I got ground up and spit out honey. I wanted to die because of it for a while. Time passed, and I didn't want to die because they didn't love me...

I wanted to die because I didn't know how to trust someone who could look me in the eyes and lie to me day after day after day.

As it turns out, five friends of mine did the exact same thing to me, spat in my face and laughed at my sadness.

If you know me, or anything about me, you know I only care and want to love people. I was made to give love, I was made to nurture and made to care. That's who I am.

But even though I can't find someone to love the right way that I can trust anymore, I want to CTB for many, many other reasons as well.

I know that people here are saying that you should just think of other options, or just do your own thing. I want to strike that middle line, because I feel like that's very applicable and is the kind of conversation that most forums on SS end up on.

There are people here who are married with a wife and child,people who they truly, truly love.But their demons haunt them. They chase them.It hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts, baby.

But I will say, that you are not incapable of finding love. Emotions harden and sour over, or pass in bumps and bips when it comes to love. It takes a long time. Such a long time. But I'm not telling you to wait all that time because I think you'll find love.

I'm not telling you to wait because I think it'll get better.

I'm telling you to make your own decision WITH these stories in mind. When I was broken from my relationship, from my personal failed love attempts, I was throw into a dark corner I couldn't crawl out of. Did I crawl out of it? Yeah. I'm headed down my own path of choice right now and that's the most powerful thing.

I think that personally, you should look into how you feel and why you feel the way you do.

Feel free to PM me hon. Always.

 

[AcornUnderground]

There are a lot of legit reasons for leaving this world but I promise you...you CAN live without her.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

OP chill the fuck out. You're about to make some sort of tragic, irrevocable decision from thinking with your dick based on mid 19th century marketing of "love."

Consider instead a glass of warm milk, a muffin, and FTOW.

 

[lookingforlove]

@itsmeagain
I'm sorry you had to go through that. Dishonesty is a big part of my situation too. I think saying I want to die because she doesn't love me is too simplistic. That is just the tip of the iceberg. Obviously my feelings are more complicated than that. I was at my best for her and I feel like it still wasn't good enough. I built up so many walls over the years but with Her, I left myself completely vulnerable. I overcame so many personal hurdles because of Her. I am in a "good" place right now--therapy, meds, diet, exercise, etc--but life just feels so empty without her. I want to die because life has become completely void of purpose. I have achieved nearly everything I want in life except for being with Her. So I am "done" with life.

@AcornUnderground
Technically speaking, everyone on SS "can" live despite their problems. Can or can't is completely besides the point. You know what I mean figuratively.

@ctbUniquectb
By "dick" do you imply sex? While sex is important to me, companionship and intimacy are more important. FTOW? I'd be happier with just one.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

I think saying I want to die because she doesn't love me is too simplistic. That is just the tip of the iceberg. Obviously my feelings are more complicated than that.

Then tell us more.

I was at my best for her and I feel like it still wasn't good enough.

This is not a surmountable barrier. You need to integrate it into yourself, so as to live your life fully and well again.

I am in a "good" place right now--therapy, meds, diet, exercise, etc--but life just feels so empty without her. I want to die because life has become completely void of purpose ... So I am "done" with life.

Dumpsville, population: you. This will pass

I have achieved nearly everything I want in life except for being with Her. So I am "done" with life.

No, you're not. You're just alone and pissed.

Technically speaking, everyone ...

That everyone words KEEPS cropping up! It's like wack a mole!

... on SS "can" live despite their problems.

Look, man, I'm trying to be in your corner but that's not the fucking case.

Can or can't is completely besides the point.

It's actually not. You have the right to do whatever with your life. We have the right to tell you to get drunk, smoke weed, FTOW and you'll be yourself in about a year. Grieving is well studied, modeled, and understood, homeslice.

By "dick" do you imply sex?

You're trying to divorce things that are intrinsically intertwined.

While sex is important to me, companionship and intimacy are more important.

As is the case for the average adult, but again:

You're trying to divorce things that are intrinsically intertwined.

FTOW? I'd be happier with just one.

You'd be happier alive, not suicidally depressed, and aware that there are over 3 billion other female humans out there.

 

[Final Escape]

You have oneitis lol! I can't believe u are still hung up on a person from so long ago. I think maybe u should be trying to meet new women. I understand getting stuck on a ex for too long but u are preventing a new love from coming in because u are hanging on to the past.

 

[waterbottleman]

OP chill the fuck out. You're about to make some sort of tragic, irrevocable decision from thinking with your dick based on mid 19th century marketing of "love."

Consider instead a glass of warm milk, a muffin, and FTOW.

FTOW?

 

[ctbUniquectb]

... I understand getting stuck on a ex for too long ...

OP, like Final says, many people have had a breakup that put a kink in them and just fucking wouldn't get out of their mind. That's human. Doesn't make you a monster, a stalker, or Jeff Dahmer. HOWEVER, the below points keep shit in context:

... u are still hung up on a person from so long ago ...

Grieving is well studied, modeled, and understood. (and you're dragging this shit out)

FTOW?

"Find" 10 other women

 

[lookingforlove]

@Final Escape
It's not really the past when I still see her. There is still hope. I tend to get strung along and then kept at arm's length. Hope is a funny thing. It makes one grasp onto life despite all odds.

@ctbUniquectb
Please explain how people on SS can't live. If they can't live, by definition they would be already dead or close to it. The more important concept here is how you define live and not whether you can or can't do it. Maybe you mean can't live a happy or meaningful life? If so, why do you invalidate my meaning of life compared to others on SS? Maybe you go, oh, I have a job, a place to live, food to eat, family who loves me; clearly I am unfit to be on SS. Tell that to all the rich and famous people who off'd themselves.

 

[PhilosOfDoom]

Every child had that one movie growing up. You know the one. Whether it be Moana or Shrek, they had it on repeat non-stop. Mine was The Princess Bride. Did this mold me as a person? Did you feel your childhood movie shaped you?

All I ever wanted was to be in love. It's all I can ever remember. Yet it has escaped me time and time again. 4 years ago, I believe I've finally found that love. Why? Because I've finally found someone worth dying for. Sounds cliche I know, but that is how I feel.

20 years of unrequited love; 10 years of suicidal thoughts. That is my story. And now I am finally at peace with it coming to an end. I hope I don't come across as bitter, because I wish Her nothing but happiness. She will end my suffering, one way or another, and for that I am truly thankful.

I don't want to die, but I can't live without Her.

So let this be a "megathread" of sorts about my story. I have been cursed with a good memory so I can relive all my wonderful rejections in painful detail and share them all with you. Feel free to ask any questions, share your childhood movie, or try to convince me that Romeo & Juliet were not actually in love (they totally were).

That must've been really hard on you. If you don't mind telling me, how did it happen?

 

[exhausted]

I have been in your shoes. I grieved a relationship for 4 years and it destroyed me. You can rebuild. I wouldn't say I have found true love since, due to domestic abuse since, but that's different. My heart is definitely open though and I genuinely never believed it could happen. I pined everyday for years and it sucked. There are other people in your shoes, it is like mourning. But also, you are saying all you ever wanted was to be in love, you are in love because you found someone worth dying for, a film you watched repeatedly in childhood has themes of "love conquers all", she will end your suffering one way or another, you capitalise "Her" the way people capitalise Him/God...it seems like you have idealised romantic love itself and it is a big part of how you see your identity, so therefore she is part of it. I am not trying to be mean, your love is very real, but there is more to it if part of how you soul grew in childhood is wrapped up in there too.

 

[Final Escape]

Have u ever watched the lovechat, coach lee, or the other relationship people on YouTube? Maybe u can learn tactics to regain your ex's attraction to u. It is possible if she's single I guess. Go online on YouTube and start educating yourself on how to reattract your ex. There's so much information on there u should check it out. Ok there is hope to get this lady back from what u said that u still see her and so it all depends on what u do and most people don't know that they might be doing stuff to turn off an ex they want back.

 

[lookingforlove]

@PhilosOfDoom
Unfortunately I can't give too much detail because 1, the circumstances are oddly specific and I don't want to reveal my identity and B, I doubt you will even believe half of it. I feel like I should give a different perspective though, because people seem to be hating on love as a reason to CTB. I was suicidal before I met Her. Trust me when I say there's probably a dozen "worse" reasons I should CTB, but I shrugged them off and got better. She makes me want to live. No other person has made me feel this way. So despite being in a better place, and having other reasons to suicide, being without Her is the one thing I place importance on.

@exhausted
I'm sorry to hear that. Have you given up or if not how long do you think you will have before you do? About love, I believe there are a multitude of valid ways to describe it. You can say I have an idealized view of love, however it's a different story for romance and relationships. No, I don't expect a fairy tale romance and yes, I understand that relationships take a lot of work. Love doesn't make the work easier, it just gives you the motivation to work harder, make sacrifices, be better.

@Final Escape
Thanks for the resources. I'll definitely check those out.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Please explain how people on SS can't live.

I'd tell you to look around, but it would be better for you to look around for a new girlfriend.

... how you define live ...

Being able to Krebs Cycle

Maybe you mean can't live a happy or meaningful life? If so, why do you invalidate my meaning of life compared to others on SS?

I didn't invalidate a thing. You didn't "say what you mean, mean what you say."

 

[lookingforlove]

@ctbUniquectb
I don't understand why you're being so confrontational. Feel free to exit the thread if you're going to post non-response responses instead of actual rebuttals. Everyone currently alive that is not terminally ill can live. That is basic logic. Why are you trying to refute that by saying things like telling me to get a new GF?

 

[Onlyborrowedtime]

I'm sorry OP this is one of the most ridiculous things I've heard. You've only just given up hope in her and you're assuming that's it? Have you tried putting yourself out there? Not just like "I spoke to some girls" but really putting yourself out there. Signing up to everydating app you can. Fuck it if love is life or death you can pay for matchmaking services.

You've had a crush on person for 20 years. You haven't had your eyes open to other opportunities. You may have even had a chance at real life and turned it down with out realising because you were so focused on trying to make it work with "her".

I'm not trying to minimise your pain, because rejection fucking hurts. 20 years of rejection would string worse than a bullet ant. But it sounds like you're acting impulsively off the rejection. Time doesn't fix the pain but it reduces it. Give yourself minimum of a year to move on. That means no messaging her, no seeing her, no stalking her. Move on and reflect and you'll feel better. I'd bet my life on it haha

Edit: ridiculous may be to strong of a word apologies.

 

[lookingforlove]

@Onlyborrowedtime
I've been putting myself out there for 20 years. I said I met her 4 years ago. The 2 latter of those years were away from her completely. About the only thing you got half right was that I did act impulsively by creating this thread after seeing her for the first time in 2 years. Man, why are people assuming so much in this thread. If you bothered to ask about my plan, it's anything but impulsive--CTB via dehydration or starvation, whichever comes first.

 

[Onlyborrowedtime]

@Onlyborrowedtime
I've been putting myself out there for 20 years. I said I met her 4 years ago. The 2 latter of those years were away from her completely. About the only thing you got half right was that I did act impulsively by creating this thread after seeing her for the first time in 2 years. Man, why are people assuming so much in this thread. If you bothered to ask about my plan, it's anything but impulsive--CTB via dehydration or starvation, whichever comes first.

Your initial post does not make that clear at all.

Your haveing a plan doesn't define what's impulsive or not. What defines an impulsive suicide is having one key triggering factor while not thinking through it significantly is going well. And actually if this post is coming from seeing her again after a period of down time that does signify impulsiveness as you've just had a trigger to feel worse.

Putting yourself out there how? Have you exhausted every possible option? Have you tried a dating coach/matchmaker? Have you tried dating apps free/paid? Have you tried joining new hobbies to meet people and see if you connect?

People are assuming a lot because there isn't a lot of info. We as a community general don't want people to die who can be saved. We are not pro-suicide we are pro-choice. Not being in love is something that is recoverable from.

Have you tried counseling to find out why you need to have that love? Or why you can't be happy loving yourself?

 

[PhilosOfDoom]

@PhilosOfDoom
Unfortunately I can't give too much detail because 1, the circumstances are oddly specific and I don't want to reveal my identity and B, I doubt you will even believe half of it. I feel like I should give a different perspective though, because people seem to be hating on love as a reason to CTB. I was suicidal before I met Her. Trust me when I say there's probably a dozen "worse" reasons I should CTB, but I shrugged them off and got better. She makes me want to live. No other person has made me feel this way. So despite being in a better place, and having other reasons to suicide, being without Her is the one thing I place importance on.

So, that was the final draw in the sand, eh? Everyone has their own priorities. I, for one, don't think life is all that meaningful, or worth prolonged mental struggles. No one should have to life life when the thing that made them love life in the first place, goes away.
However, if you do want to get better, let me give you my two-cents. Tell me if I'm wrong. It seems like as soon as you met that person, and became fully happy, you were over the world. But, when that was snatched away, you already developed a dependency upon her, so you crashed hard, and I mean hard. Is it possible you can talk to your therapist about dependent personality disorder? Not saying you have it, as there is not enough info. But, it could be a pathway to a proper diagnosis, and treatment. But if you're already set in stone on suicide, then best of luck.

 

[Steamm]

I have 28 yo and never had a gf but that's not the main reason why I want to ctb, far from that.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

your post

I'm not being confrontational. My responses are actual rebuttals. I typed a really good post, filled with dark humor, instead of this blurb. Then it dawned on me that you're more interested in being correct, than working things out. So, never mind.

Good luck. I hope you feel better. I mean it.

 

[lookingforlove]

@ctbUniquectb
Exhibit A:

No, you're not. You're just alone and pissed.

Exhibit B:

I'd tell you to look around, but it would be better for you to look around for a new girlfriend.

I don't need your unfunny commentary, especially when it adds nothing of value to the discussion. I'm not more interested in being correct. I am more interested in correcting the misinformation in this thread so people can stop giving advice based on a wrong diagnosis. Like FTOW will solve my problems? Really? Find a new GF? That's genius. Why didn't I think of that? What's next, are you gonna solve my anxiety and PTSD by telling me that all I need to do is take deep breaths?

@Onlyborrowedtime
There is another thread where someone wants to CTB and the main points in his thread is being rejected from interviews and nothing getting better in 2 years. Yet, he has had complete support from everyone. Meanwhile, I've been rejected for 20 years and you think it's ridiculous. I think there's just something about love that triggers people. Or at least something I said in the OP that triggered people.

@PhilosOfDoom
Thank you and the other people in this thread who actually gave sound advice. I appreciate it.

@Steamm
Different strokes for different folks. Can't we all just agree that people want different things for different reasons?

 

[s1mplem3]

I love many of these animated movies, I dream to be in one of those, but not in this life. I've never felt and I don't know what is it, but I still dream to find out, to meet my special person and to spend together the rest of my life, even if it's only one day.