Venting I don't want to ctb but it's all I can think about.

[Pubert]

I feel like I have all the knowledge about depression that I need to know and all the reasons to not kill myself but I still want to ctb. I could learn a million more reasons to not ctb, but it would still be all that I think about. I don't know how to stop.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I feel like I have all the knowledge about depression that I need to know and all the reasons to not kill myself but I still want to ctb. I could learn a million more reasons to not ctb, but it would still be all that I think about. I don't know how to stop.

When you feel trapped it seems like the only solution

 

[Huntfish34]

Same for me,. It's truly a Very toxic mind frame to be in and I don't know how to stop either. Several minutes ago on my way home from work I was talking out loud to myself ... ". God , I just wanna Fckn die ! " Over and over again. And I really don't Want to die either, it genuinely scares the fuck out of me.

I hope you can overcome these thoughts and feel better about yourself / life.

 

[its-about-time]

In the past I've had success with setting a period of time where you're not allowed to ctb… I know you aren't planning on doing it, but if you decide once and for all "for the next month I will not kill myself," it might make it easier to think about other things. Idk. Worked for me but I was in a slightly different situation. I'm sorry you're so overwhelmed with this. It's a sucky thing to be preoccupied with, no matter if you intend to die or not. Maybe taking a break from this site would help, too.

 

[Tomoko]

I know how you feel. Deep down, I think what I truly want is just for things to be okay. But my inner logician chimes in reminding me things arent as easy as manifesting my wishes into reality. This causes me to consider the suicide option every single day.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can be very tiring as our thoughts can torture us. I'm sorry that you are going through this, I wish you the best and I hope you find relief from your suffering in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Xta4Love]

I feel you. I also have depression and intrusive thoughts about suicide. It is compulsive,bessive and it wears me out . Im preparing to cbt and also make plans for the future (I bought a summer dress) It is a toxic frame of mind and thoughts can be torture. I want to heal and things to be okay. But my depression started in 2018. It has almost been four years and I been institutionalized. This is no way to live.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Over time, life has worn me down. It has made me tired. It has resulted in me losing hope. It has created devastating despair for me to endure on a daily, even hourly, basis. Nothing gets any better. Ever. I know I'm depressed and I've thought about what, if anything, could be done to bring me out of it. I've thought long and hard about where I am in life, where there is to go, what could help. The answer I've come up with is nothing can help at this point anymore. Nothing. The thoughts of getting out of this life are what I think about now. It's tiring, too. Living, or whatever the hell it is that I'm doing, has become too much. It sure isn't living. I'm already more than half dead. More like 90% dead, really. I'm dead inside. That's how I feel. I'm just taking up space and there's no good reason for doing that anymore. Maybe the next person who takes up the space I was occupying can make a better go of it. I didn't choose to ctb. It chose me. Now my focus is on getting to that point and embracing it.