Venting I don't want to ctb but I don't feel I have a choice

[skylar160]

Hello, I've talked on here before of how I was falsely charged with a serious crime. The officer in charge of my case did some illegal things in order for me to look worse. Unfortunately, it seems like they are able to get away with anything. I still have a chance of winning my case, but deep down I worry about the worse case scenario.

The truth is that I don't want to die. I have things that I'm grateful for. But I'm terrified of prison and being branded for life. Maybe I'm just not strong enough, but I just can't keep going on anymore. I still have hope left but ultimately it's up the prosecutor to dismiss the case.

I'm not looking for legal advice or someone telling me that I should live or that prison isn't that bad. I'm just really scared and wish there was someone who could understand what I'm going through and why I might ctb.

Honestly, the way the world is heading right now is disaster and it would be nice to not have to participate in it. The only things I have to live for are my family and friends. But I'm also afraid of hurting them. I'm not sure if my parents could ever get over this or ctb too. They might put themselves in danger by seeking revenge against the police.

I want to write the best note I can for them. I want them to know that I love them and that things will be okay. I guess what I'm struggling the most right now is not wanting to die. There's so many things I want to do, but if I can't do them there's no point in staying alive anyways. We all die eventually, it will just be earlier than I expect. Right now, my goal is working on accepting that. I am Wiccan and have faith in a higher power but no matter what happens in the next life, I'll never get this life again. Again, this is only if the worst case scenario happens.

 

[flowerfacefan1]

Hey man/woman/person/being. I won't claim I know exactly how heavy this is on you, nor that I can relate to the full extent of it, but I've had someone very close to me go through something similar, and he's a bit of a moralist, and the conclusion we came to, is that sadly, these systems are pretty flawed, but even in an ideal case, people would still get under the wheels, because they are still human creations. For a system to bring justice to most, there is going to be those who run free, and those who get fucked over, but unless we seclude ourselves from this society, there is no running from it.

I feel that for you, depending on if you'd like to make a statement, as also not let it ruin you, CTB makes a lot of sense, especially cuz it might give you control over not letting this ruin the little time you'd have as a free person, with your family and friends. Also, please consider that this all still depends on the final gavel drop or whatever.
I wish you courage and strength and the ability to be wise about how to spend your time:3