I Don't Want To Be Here

[Jean4]

My first post, and I a thankful the moderators approved me.

Plain and simple. I don't want to be here. I have had enough.

When I was a little girl, my only dream was to get married and have kids. I went to college to find me a husband. Yeah Yeah Yeah. I know. Not very 2019, but it is true.

Fast forward. I am 51 years old. I haven't had a relationship since 1999. I don't leave my house and am on disability having to go in front of the judge next month to fight for it.

Bottom line. My life did not turn out as I planned, but let's be real. Whose does?

There is no purpose of me being here. And there will be nobody to miss me or mourn me when I am gone. I have no family and friends.

I don't want to get old alone. What would I do? Throw myself in a nursing home and live out my days with a roommate? When I die, who will be there to claim my body? Sure, I can make arrangements ahead of time. But just think about it. I get cremated, there will be nobody there to pick up my ashes. Nobody to even care that I am dead.

My life didn't matter. The purpose of life is to have people miss you when you are gone. I have nobody. I am nothing. So why should I continue this?

My dream was to get married and have a white picket fence and family. I sometimes wish there was arranged marriages so I wouldn't be alone. Love is overrated. I don't want to be alone. I am.

There is purpose for me to remain here. I just want it over with.

 

[Only Me Here]

Jean my story is similar to yours, i have no family either, they exsist but they disownd me when i ran from an abusive house and in our culture women do not do that. I was written off as dead. I recently found out i cannot have children not that i had anyone to have them with. I stopped working as of october and As of dec/jan i have not even left my house because when i am in the world i see the ache of kids and family it hurts too much. Even sappy shows or commercials with this content is a struggle. I think for me i knew its over was when i got pneumonia and was in a hospital by myself. It flipped a switch in me about how alone i am and that i could no longer do it and it would only get harder as i grew older. People here have it worse then me i know that, i wish i could give them my health or money and someone could give me a family, but this is not how this world works, if only we could trade what we have for what we need. My parents were arranged, my father a was a violent alcholic, believe me if you end up with a stranger who is evil you are worse off. The only positive i think in our situation is that others here have to be careful that someone might catch them, when you have no one you owe no one anything. it is a double edged sword. No guilt to anyone left behind, just freedom. Everyone says family and love is everything..So what happens to those that don't have one? Yes friends are important and i had lots until i threw them all away. I know that friends are not the same they are all busy with their own families. Loneliness truly can kill you. May i ask how you pass your time, how long have you been in this situation? And what method you are considering? For me its carbon dioxide the only one that doesnt seem too violent. I understand every word you have written.

 

[intheweeds]

I can relate. My situation is somewhat similar.
On disability, no friends, chronic loneliness, and a fear that I'll forever be alone.

It gets harder to meet people as you get older, and the few people I have tried to talk to over the years immediately attach a stigma to being on disability.

Then there's a fear of the disability always being taken away which would essentially make me homeless.

It's a depressing existence. Every day is the same, and everything you do, you do alone.

Wish I had something more helpful to say, but thought I'd just let you know you're not alone. Sorry you're here.

 

[Jean4]

I think for me i knew its over was when i got pneumonia and was in a hospital by myself. It flipped a switch in me about how alone i am and that i could no longer do it and it would only get harder as i grew older.


I had a hysterectomy last month by myself. There were complications, and I was sent home alone with a catheter. Two years ago, I also developed a lung infection and was in the hospital for a month. I had to call 911 to bring me. I came home on oxygen alone.

Yes. When we get older it will be even harder. I don't want to put myself in a nursing home and die alone.

 

[Only Me Here]

Hearing that there are two other people who understand this is a great relief, its my first day here and normal people do not understand this. They keep telling you to put yourself out there and find someone, i have tried but i mess everything up because i am not stable due to my childhood. And with no family i am quite needy as that is the only person i would have. I cant even enjoy it though because the crippling fear they will leave me makes me behave in ways i am not proud of, i cannot help it though. On the outside i look i have everything but on the inside i am so damaged every potential person has left. If they havent left they have cheated or been abusive. I gave up on all of this 5 years ago. I cannot be with anyone and i cannot be alone either and im at a point i cannot deal with loneliness anymore. It gets the worst when the weather gets better amd families are all out and about having fun and being normal.

 

[Jean4]

I can relate. My situation is somewhat similar.
On disability, no friends, chronic loneliness, and a fear that I'll forever be alone.

It gets harder to meet people as you get older, and the few people I have tried to talk to over the years immediately attach a stigma to being on disability.

Then there's a fear of the disability always being taken away which would essentially make me homeless.

It's a depressing existence. Every day is the same, and everything you do, you do alone.

Wish I had something more helpful to say, but thought I'd just let you know you're not alone. Sorry you're here.

Thank you. It is good to know I am not the only one with this miserable existence.

Hearing that there are two other people who understand this is a great relief, its my first day here and normal people do not understand this. They keep telling you to put yourself out there and find someone, i have tried but i mess everything up because i am not stable due to my childhood. And with no family i am quite needy as that is the only person i would have. I cant even enjoy it though because the crippling fear they will leave me makes me behave in ways i am not proud of, i cannot help it though. On the outside i look i have everything but on the inside i am so damaged every potential person has left. If they havent left they have cheated or been abusive. I gave up on all of this 5 years ago. I cannot be with anyone and i cannot be alone either and im at a point i cannot deal with loneliness anymore. It gets the worst when the weather gets better amd families are all out and about having fun and being normal.

I do not leave my home unless I have a doctor's appointment. I live in my pajamas. I don't even get dressed anymore. I completely understand.

I am alone. I will always be alone. People do not understand this loneliness..

 

[Alchemist]

Thank you. It is good to know I am not the only one with this miserable existence.


I do not leave my home unless I have a doctor's appointment. I live in my pajamas. I don't even get dressed anymore. I completely understand.

I am alone. I will always be alone. People do not understand this loneliness..

Guess that's the norm around here. Finding someome who connects with you is really hard, and specially one who does that and that can and will stay with you. I barely have any hope for that too.

 

[Jean4]

Guess that's the norm around here. Finding someome who connects with you is really hard, and specially one who does that and that can and will stay with you. I barely have any hope for that too.

Which is why I am glad I found this place. Others who understand and are non-judgemental. And when I say I don't want to be here, they don't try to talk me out of it, and understand.

 

[JadedGray]

Loneliness is one of the main reasons a lot of people are suicidal.

I had a hysterectomy last year, even though I'm in my 20s for health reasons, luckily there were no physical complications, but I couldn't imagine going through the emotional side effects I've been going through alone. Sorry for what you've had to experience. I also don't leave the house except to go to a naturopath, since I've pretty much given up on doctors being able to help anymore.

 

[Jean4]

Loneliness is one of the main reasons a lot of people are suicidal.

I had a hysterectomy last year, even though I'm in my 20s for health reasons, luckily there were no physical complications, but I couldn't imagine going through the emotional side effects I've been going through alone. Sorry for what you've had to experience. I also don't leave the house except to go to a naturopath, since I've pretty much given up on doctors being able to help anymore.

Another reason not to be here. Things will only get worse when I am older. It really is enough.

 

[JadedGray]

Another reason not to be here. Things will only get worse when I am older. It really is enough.

Hope you find peace one day. No one should have to live a life of loneliness.

 

[Jean4]

Hope you find peace one day. No one should have to live a life of loneliness.

Thank you. Sooner rather than later.

 

[headinghome]

My first post, and I a thankful the moderators approved me.

Plain and simple. I don't want to be here. I have had enough.

When I was a little girl, my only dream was to get married and have kids. I went to college to find me a husband. Yeah Yeah Yeah. I know. Not very 2019, but it is true.

Fast forward. I am 51 years old. I haven't had a relationship since 1999. I don't leave my house and am on disability having to go in front of the judge next month to fight for it.

Bottom line. My life did not turn out as I planned, but let's be real. Whose does?

There is no purpose of me being here. And there will be nobody to miss me or mourn me when I am gone. I have no family and friends.

I don't want to get old alone. What would I do? Throw myself in a nursing home and live out my days with a roommate? When I die, who will be there to claim my body? Sure, I can make arrangements ahead of time. But just think about it. I get cremated, there will be nobody there to pick up my ashes. Nobody to even care that I am dead.

My life didn't matter. The purpose of life is to have people miss you when you are gone. I have nobody. I am nothing. So why should I continue this?

My dream was to get married and have a white picket fence and family. I sometimes wish there was arranged marriages so I wouldn't be alone. Love is overrated. I don't want to be alone. I am.

There is purpose for me to remain here. I just want it over with.

I know it's difficult… I got married for the first time at age 54 I met my husband on a dating website....
maybe if you could go out of your house and find some little activity to help others then just keep doing a little bit more every day every day you might find some purpose… It's very hard to kill yourself I know I've tried once already and I have no way to try again other than to stab myself… Or just throw myself out of a moving car… I'm not saying that you shouldn't want Oblivion… But it certainly seems like it's hard to get there…

 

[Alchemist]

Thank you. Sooner rather than later.

At least people here are better company than those around us, which is bittersweet, so at least we have each other here.

 

[JadedGray]

Thank you. Sooner rather than later.

You're welcome.

Hopefully for all of us on here.

 

[lululoo]

Thank you all who have shared your pain on this thread. I feel less alone. I'm so sorry for your situations.
I am mid-30s but have reached the point where my fate is sealed. I will always be alone, and combined with my physical health issues, this is not an existence I can bear. I don't have disability benefits and wouldn't be able to get them. But I know that wouldn't solve my issues cause I would still be alone.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I felt I like I wrote this myself the only difference is our ages. I truly sympathize with everything you said, Im sorry your feeling this way too. I dont want to grow old and die alone but thats where Im headed too. Love really is overrated. I always dreamed I would have a husband and a family but here I am with a "bf" who just uses me and cheats (i guess i dont deserve love) so Im all alone essentially. It really hurts but I have given up on the dream its just a painful fantasy I dont like thinking about. I have no friends (except internet and people from this forum) and very little family who care but they will all be gone within a few years. About the only thing I take comfort in is that im not alone in these feelings. Others on this forum are going thru the same things so its helpful in a way to feel less alienated.

 

[Only Me Here]

That is exactly why i joined this site, i could read everything and no one was trying to talk anyone out of anything. i would imagine anyone who finds themselves here have tried everything and come here for support in death, which we could not find in life. Sometimes i play stupid fanatsies in my head. Right now i wish i had millions of dollars, id buy a giant house and all of us could live there and maybe be a bit less lonely. However, in reality my living room has two charcoal barbecues and 10kg of charcoal, waiting until the moment is just right.

 

[Alchemist]

That is exactly why i joined this site, i could read everything and no one was trying to talk anyone out of anything. i would imagine anyone who finds themselves here have tried everything and come here for support in death, which we could not find in life. Sometimes i play stupid fanatsies in my head. Right now i wish i had millions of dollars, id buy a giant house and all of us could live there and maybe be a bit less lonely. However, in reality my living room has two charcoal barbecues and 10kg of charcoal, waiting until the right moment is just right.

That's the good thing about this site, no platitudes nor bullshit, no people who dismiss you or try to talk about another thing. I haven't gathered the courage for ctb, but at least here I can talk without hiding what I think and at least I can meet people who are passing through the same and support them at least on their last moments.

 

[Only Me Here]

That's the good thing about this site, no platitudes nor bullshit, no people who dismiss you or try to talk about another thing. I haven't gathered the courage for ctb, but at least here I can talk without hiding what I think and at least I can meet people who are passing through the same and support them at least on their last moments.

Agree, we can say anything without shocked faces and uneasy glances. I just admitted in the chat forum that i drink vodka every night with sleeping pills to pass out at night, otherwise i cant sleep. Have never told a soul that. I agree with you about courage, but i really believe this is where we can find it. It is hard to find courage when we want to do something that society says is so abnormal. The fact that it is so normal here makes my fear lessen if that makes sense? If suicide is normal, then there is nothing to fear.

 

[Alchemist]

Agree, we can say anything without shocked faces and uneasy glances. I just admitted in the chat forum that i drink vodka every night with sleeping pills to pass out at night, otherwise i cant sleep. Have never told a soul that. I agree with you about courage, but i really believe this is where we can find it. It is hard to find courage when we want to do something that society says is so abnormal. The fact that it is so normal here makes my fear lessen if that makes sense? If suicide is normal, then there is nothing to fear.

True, ironically informing myself about ctb has made me think more about doing it. I see that it's more complicated and can go wrong in so many ways I just feel that I'll just fail on that the same way I fail at everything else. Feel free to PM me if you ever need someone to talk, same goes to anyone on this thread.

 

[PatKat]

I feel pretty much the same. I am just here wasting space and oxygen. I have my CE for SSDI on the 17th we will see what happens. Not sure what to expect.

 

[Only Me Here]

How do you all fill your time? The days get long especially for those who are not working or live alone. I cant really binge watch anything i can't focus.

 

[PatKat]

How do you all fill your time? The days get long especially for those who are not working or live alone. I cant really binge watch anything i can't focus.

Honestly I lay in bed all day everyday. I'm afraid to leave the room and I did damage to my brain so it's hard to get around now.

 

[intheweeds]

How do you all fill your time? The days get long especially for those who are not working or live alone. I cant really binge watch anything i can't focus.

A lot of staying in bed. I'll go walk, and exercise if I feel up to it. I've found heavy exercise is one of the only things that helps my anxiety and depression.

Besides that it's mostly a lot of shows, podcasts, and various other entertainment to fill up time.

 

[Only Me Here]

Yes exercise does help, it has always helped me in the past. That's why i am not doing it now. I don't want to feel better anymore. I spend a lot of time reading news articles that have comments sections. Learning a lot about the world these days and i like a good debate. At the same time reading all the bad things going on in this world makes me further think a lot of people suck and so does this world.

 

[Jean4]

Lie in bed with MSNBC on. Background noise. I don't even have the patience to watch a movie or 1/2 hour show.

 

[Allpainnogain]

Lie in bed with MSNBC on. Background noise. I don't even have the patience to watch a movie or 1/2 hour show.

I can relate to this