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spiritualvirgin
artificial death in the west ☭
- Aug 16, 2024
- 12
i'm an afab person and almost everyone in my surroundings sees me as "a woman" as for myself i feel like being seen as a woman only caused bad things, i was sexually assaulted as a 11/12 year old and developed an ed afterwards, i was so young and immature when it happend, that i based my selfworth around my sexual attractiveness afterwards which i (on a rational level) always really disrespected myself for cause i come from a feminist mother and grandmother and progressive family in general and i always knew that objective attractiveness is a concept established by a capitalist patriarchal society to opress (especially) woman. i fetishized my own abuse to cope with it, thats a thing about me that always really disgusted me, but i got a lot confirmation for by men (who i never even was attracted to in my whole life, i'm a lesbian) many men love a woman that fetishizes abuse and violence cause they get off to this sick shit. i feel like in my worst moments i was closest to the woman society wants me to be. to me being a woman meant being a victim of abuse and forgiving your abuser. traits of myself that i like are that i'm very critical and opinionated and also unapologetically vocal about it especially when i sense injustice, this trait was always encouraged by my loving mother but i got rejected for it (mostly by white men) because "it's not a feminine trait" and they often felt their unjustified position of power attaced by a young "wOmAn" correcting them on their shitty behavior. i like about myself that i have strong interests in some things and that ,due to that i am, very educated in them but still i always felt that i will never have as much credibility to many people as a random white men, even if he is less educated. i always loved being educated by other people on topics they care about, but white men (as a group, not every single one, stop crying) won't let anyone do that to them that isn't another white men.
ofc i love and respect all the people who are self identifying woman who are defining womanhood for themselves and claim this term proudly, but for myself, being a woman just can't be a part of me, it feels wrong. i did a lot of healing and most of the behaviors people forced on me by making me a woman are at least partially overcome and i feel better and more like a version of myself that is authentic and that i could like one day, being called a woman feels like this process is invalidated (even tho they do it unconsciously).
most people in my life (exept my mom and my gf) adresses me with she/her pronouns and i don't even feel like i can say anything about it cause i dress 'feminine'. i wear a headscarf that covers almost all of my hair and only ankle long and wide dresses, the way i dress comforts me sensorily and mentally, i've always struggled with sensory overload when exposed to stressful situations (and a lot of situations stress me tf out) but the clothing i wear right now is as close to sensory comfort as it can get (except for the socks but you can't have everything ig) i also like that people can't see any outlines of my body because it prevents them from sexualizing or judging it. i like that i moved away from revealing clothing that i actually hated to wear for compliments that actually made me uncomfortable and were undoubtedly inappropriate. changing the way i dress made me realize how i actually felt about these comments and showed me that i actually feel way more comfortable without them. no disrespect goes to the people who like to wear revealing clothing, especially the ones who wanna fight for the right to show their bodies WITHOUT them being nonconsensually sexualized, cause this is obv how it should be, i'm only speaking for myself. but what does that leave me with? i don't know how to make people not see me as a woman (or a man) or how to gain the confidence to tell them. because if i tell them and they don't respect it, it will just show me how much they see me as a woman and then it will hurt even more. if anyone wants to share their experience or give me advice how to cope, it's very welcome
ofc i love and respect all the people who are self identifying woman who are defining womanhood for themselves and claim this term proudly, but for myself, being a woman just can't be a part of me, it feels wrong. i did a lot of healing and most of the behaviors people forced on me by making me a woman are at least partially overcome and i feel better and more like a version of myself that is authentic and that i could like one day, being called a woman feels like this process is invalidated (even tho they do it unconsciously).
most people in my life (exept my mom and my gf) adresses me with she/her pronouns and i don't even feel like i can say anything about it cause i dress 'feminine'. i wear a headscarf that covers almost all of my hair and only ankle long and wide dresses, the way i dress comforts me sensorily and mentally, i've always struggled with sensory overload when exposed to stressful situations (and a lot of situations stress me tf out) but the clothing i wear right now is as close to sensory comfort as it can get (except for the socks but you can't have everything ig) i also like that people can't see any outlines of my body because it prevents them from sexualizing or judging it. i like that i moved away from revealing clothing that i actually hated to wear for compliments that actually made me uncomfortable and were undoubtedly inappropriate. changing the way i dress made me realize how i actually felt about these comments and showed me that i actually feel way more comfortable without them. no disrespect goes to the people who like to wear revealing clothing, especially the ones who wanna fight for the right to show their bodies WITHOUT them being nonconsensually sexualized, cause this is obv how it should be, i'm only speaking for myself. but what does that leave me with? i don't know how to make people not see me as a woman (or a man) or how to gain the confidence to tell them. because if i tell them and they don't respect it, it will just show me how much they see me as a woman and then it will hurt even more. if anyone wants to share their experience or give me advice how to cope, it's very welcome