I don't want to anymore. (work related)

[Supersadmommy90]

I'm starting to understand the whole, "depression makes you lose interest in things you previously cared about" shtick. At least, losing interest in what I feel my life's work has been, is a thing. In my past life, before depression, I was a bit of a workaholic, I even sacrificed my health for my work (which I've lived to regret), that is how driven I was by my cause and my plans for my business. I have been working on a forever degree for years and I'm finally at a place where I can start to see all of it starting to come together over the horizon.

But ever since depression has firmly taken hold, I've been noticeably losing interest in this pursuit which has consumed thousands of hours and dollars. I could be working on it right now, but... Here I am, kicking the can further down the road, in fact, I'm about to kick the can into the trash heap, that is how over it I am.

It bothers me that if and when I do CTB without having accomplished any of what I set out to do, that all of that effort, and the deprivations, and frustrations, I suffered over the years will literally have been for nothing, as if I didn't ever work hard (I did) or sacrifice anything (I sacrificed lots.) I could have spent all this time being a lazy bum, doing whatever I felt like, and gotten the same end result. That isn't me, I've always been highly motivated, if anything I've been ambitious to a fault, until more recently.

Anyway, the depressive spell I've been in the past few days has been truly horrible. Normal people don't feel this way. I don't know how I'm going to get through what was supposed to be an exciting business. What used to inspire me, now just fills me with dread. I feel so horrible that I want to throw it all away. I feel so awful.

 

[Catch_The_Beaver]

I am in your exact same position

 

[jgm63]

I'm starting to understand the whole, "depression makes you lose interest in things you previously cared about" shtick. At least, losing interest in what I feel my life's work has been, is a thing. In my past life, before depression, I was a bit of a workaholic, I even sacrificed my health for my work (which I've lived to regret), that is how driven I was by my cause and my plans for my business. I have been working on a forever degree for years and I'm finally at a place where I can start to see all of it starting to come together over the horizon.

But ever since depression has firmly taken hold, I've been noticeably losing interest in this pursuit which has consumed thousands of hours and dollars. I could be working on it right now, but... Here I am, kicking the can further down the road, in fact, I'm about to kick the can into the trash heap, that is how over it I am.

It bothers me that if and when I do CTB without having accomplished any of what I set out to do, that all of that effort, and the deprivations, and frustrations, I suffered over the years will literally have been for nothing, as if I didn't ever work hard (I did) or sacrifice anything (I sacrificed lots.) I could have spent all this time being a lazy bum, doing whatever I felt like, and gotten the same end result. That isn't me, I've always been highly motivated, if anything I've been ambitious to a fault, until more recently.

Anyway, the depressive spell I've been in the past few days has been truly horrible. Normal people don't feel this way. I don't know how I'm going to get through what was supposed to be an exciting business. What used to inspire me, now just fills me with dread. I feel so horrible that I want to throw it all away. I feel so awful.

It's not really true that things are "all for nothing".
You are a being on a learning journey, and every experience teaches you something or another.

 

[Farmmaa]

You owe it to yourself to try to get help with the depression before throwing everything away.
A temporary bought of depression in an otherwise fulfilling life doesn't have to be the end of anything

 

[BPD Barbie]

Exact same here. I quit my job in medicine, don't do any of my hobbies, hardly wanna even get groceries or shower. Really all I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep.

 

[WaitingAround2Die]

Generally best not to make any big decisions when you are depressed. It really messes with your perceptions.

Are you seeking any help for the depression?

 

[mittensxx]

I know what you're going through. I believed my job to be my only purpose in life and when I lost it, everything collapsed. I felt like all the overtime and effort I put on was for nothing.
atm still struggling to find a way to live that doesn't include that job

 

[Oppenheimer]

Exact same here. I quit my job in medicine, don't do any of my hobbies, hardly wanna even get groceries or shower. Really all I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep.

I have a ten year career in medicine but in the last years I lost my motivation and am felling EXTREMELY overworked, since I´m a perfectionist. Patients and coleagues say "hey you are one of the best caring doctor around", but its all a front I put up. I waste tons of energy at work and when get home only want to sleep with my cat.

 

[Dieordietrying]

"Normal people don't feel this way" This website (and MANY others) are filled with people who feel this way. Antidepressants and mental health is a booming business because 'normal' people DO feel this way, a lot. I understand that nothing anyone can say will change your feelings (emotions are rarely rational), but trust that all your hard work was not for nothing! Depression doesn't discriminate. It can hit anyone at anytime without warning, and it's an evil all-consuming illness. Please know this is not your fault. As other commenters have said, please don't make any final decisions until you've sought some help. Depression clouds the mind and changes our thought processes. It's good to take a breather from your studies and work to focus on mental health. The brain is the most important organ and needs attending/treatment sometimes, just like the rest of our bodies. It's not quitting or giving up. We're here for you.

 

[sadgirl2002]

I can relate, I've also began to realize when people say that depression makes you lose interest in things. I've lost my enthusiasm but I also feel like I never truly had it. Am I the only one who gets even more suicidal simply because of the concept of work? Like I feel like it's not even the work itself, it's simply having to go to "work".

 

[Supersadmommy90]

I can relate, I've also began to realize when people say that depression makes you lose interest in things. I've lost my enthusiasm but I also feel like I never truly had it. Am I the only one who gets even more suicidal simply because of the concept of work? Like I feel like it's not even the work itself, it's simply having to go to "work".

I've still given up on "work", for the moment all of my energy and resources are devoted to recovering, or attempting to regain some emotional and physical footing in my life from which I can then, maybe in a few months, maybe in another 6 months or a year, look at cracking the books again, and trying to wrap up my degree and start my business.

Oddly enough, my business is one of those few areas I feel totally confident in, and inspired by, although the rose colored glasses have definitely come off. My business involves an area of my personal life that I feel very passionate about, however I now realize that I can't live vicariously through others in this department, so now I am having to reconfigure my relationship with these goals, in a more clinical, and detached way than previously. I will still find contentment in my work someday, it just won't be in a personal sense.

I can relate to what you mean though, regarding "work"... As in, rising and grinding, not bringing fulfillment. I've worked for the man, long enough to realize that I would rather suffer deprivation, than work for a pittance doing menial, mechanical work that feels meaningless to me. I have great respect for blue collar workers, cashiers, and people doing this type of work that are overlooked and underpaid. I especially appreciate people who do this work, and who act as cogs in society that keep the machine well oiled and working, even if it lacks personal reward for them. I don't mean to sound like some kind of snob by any means, as I said I value these contributions as necessary, however, I've put my time in... I'd rather sink or swim in business and dare to fail doing something I've invested in for years.

Someday. One of these days... Until I feel adequately motivated I'll continue living my depressed (recovering), hand to mouth, subsistence, unemployed life, and preferring it to the alternative.