Venting i don’t want things to get better

[huntermellow]

i need life to get bad. very bad. i need it to get even worse than it already is because i don't care about things getting better anymore. i need everything to get bad enough so i feel no regret when i feel myself dying. but i also wish i could have one last good memory before i die. preferably with him but that won't happen. all i have left are my voice memos. i can relive the happiest moments of my life over and over again. at least they're proof i was wanted for a bit. all i wanted was an explanation from him. he's going to be so angry at me when i show up unannounced. but at least it gives me more reasons to want to die. everyone already thinks i'm crazy so do i even have anything else left to lose? whatever else i do have left to lose just take it from me already. i don't deserve anything good. i'll always be known as the crazy obsessive bitch that was used as a rebound. i just wanted to prove i could be loved and not be known as that.

 

[Ariii]

I feel you. I want to kill myself. I would if I was 100% confident in my method, but it's not so bad, like it was a couple months ago, that it's worth it to risk brain damage, the pyschward, my family finding out, etc. It feels odd sometimes, to see people ask for help on fighting suicidal thoughts. I've never tried once in my life to stop them

And I'm sorry you feel that way about him. I don't really have any experience with that type of stuff so I dont really have any advice or anything. But maybe you could vent it out to other ppl on here going through something similar? I see a decent amount of posts about similar topics, and Ik it helped my friend when she was going through something similar. Sending hugs and I hope my stupid paragraph helped, even the slightest bit

 

[dolemitedrums]

I sympathize with you but whether you choose to continue with your life or not there isn't much reason to give this person that much power over your fate or your happiness. Getting explanations from exes or abusers, etc...it's a fool's errand.

 

[huntermellow]

I sympathize with you but whether you choose to continue with your life or not there isn't much reason to give this person that much power over your fate or your happiness. Getting explanations from exes or abusers, etc...it's a fool's errand.

i just don't think i can live without an explanation. and even if i did get one i still don't think i'd be able to live with who i am or my situation or the fact that nothing good ever lasts for me

I feel you. I want to kill myself. I would if I was 100% confident in my method, but it's not so bad, like it was a couple months ago, that it's worth it to risk brain damage, the pyschward, my family finding out, etc. It feels odd sometimes, to see people ask for help on fighting suicidal thoughts. I've never tried once in my life to stop them

And I'm sorry you feel that way about him. I don't really have any experience with that type of stuff so I dont really have any advice or anything. But maybe you could vent it out to other ppl on here going through something similar? I see a decent amount of posts about similar topics, and Ik it helped my friend when she was going through something similar. Sending hugs and I hope my stupid paragraph helped, even the slightest bit

it did help thank you. i'm so worried about the future because every time i get something good it gets taken away from me. i really thought life was finally getting better for me last year but nothing ever works out for me. it was such a short relationship but it was everything to me

 

[sugarb]

i need life to get bad. very bad. i need it to get even worse than it already is because i don't care about things getting better anymore. i need everything to get bad enough so i feel no regret when i feel myself dying. but i also wish i could have one last good memory before i die. preferably with him but that won't happen. all i have left are my voice memos. i can relive the happiest moments of my life over and over again. at least they're proof i was wanted for a bit. all i wanted was an explanation from him. he's going to be so angry at me when i show up unannounced. but at least it gives me more reasons to want to die. everyone already thinks i'm crazy so do i even have anything else left to lose? whatever else i do have left to lose just take it from me already. i don't deserve anything good. i'll always be known as the crazy obsessive bitch that was used as a rebound. i just wanted to prove i could be loved and not be known as that.

I understand where you're coming from having been the crazy obsessive bitch once or twice myself, but you do deserve good things. Being clingy, weird, or dysfunctional doesn't mean you're worthless or deserve pain. i hope you feel better if possible :(

 

[Uninfluential_Karma]

I feel like I've reached that complete rock bottom. It's not so bad, but it did get better for a short time. Now I've learned that there's really no reason to stay anymore, so I just want to go.

 

[huntermellow]

I feel you. I want to kill myself. I would if I was 100% confident in my method, but it's not so bad, like it was a couple months ago, that it's worth it to risk brain damage, the pyschward, my family finding out, etc. It feels odd sometimes, to see people ask for help on fighting suicidal thoughts. I've never tried once in my life to stop them

And I'm sorry you feel that way about him. I don't really have any experience with that type of stuff so I dont really have any advice or anything. But maybe you could vent it out to other ppl on here going through something similar? I see a decent amount of posts about similar topics, and Ik it helped my friend when she was going through something similar. Sending hugs and I hope my stupid paragraph helped, even the slightest bit

it did help a bit thank you for caring <3 if i could just forget all the bad memories and make other people forget all the bad memories about me too then i would finally be at peace but my mind is like a prison…

I understand where you're coming from having been the crazy obsessive bitch once or twice myself, but you do deserve good things. Being clingy, weird, or dysfunctional doesn't mean you're worthless or deserve pain. i hope you feel better if possible :(

thank you :( i wish me and my love could be enough for someone

 

[sugarb]

it did help a bit thank you for caring <3 if i could just forget all the bad memories and make other people forget all the bad memories about me too then i would finally be at peace but my mind is like a prison…

thank you :( i wish me and my love could be enough for someone

No problem. I hope so too