Venting I don't want my life to be a series of things I have to "face"

[nux_walpurgis]

I was talking with my mom the other day and she asked about my uni assignment. I told her that the assignment is optional and since it is a source of stress for me, I have been thinking to just not do it. She said it would be better if I did it, with a disappointed, condescending tone. I told her she is making me more anxious than I already am. She told the assignment is one of the many things I have and will have to face in my life.

I am crying rn. I had made some progress regarding suicidal ideation lately with the help of therapy, but this brought all the bad thoughts back. I don't want my life to be full of trials, I don't want it to be a series of things I have to face. I don't want this. It sounds exhausting.

I might as well go to the underside part of the city, buy some morphine and lie on my bed while it takes me away forever.

How do some people live with their lives, how do they get on day after day, and what kind of sad pathetic existence that is.

I want to share this with my therapist, I want to be honest, but I am afraid they will be disappointed with me and ditch me thinking I am a lost case. And I feel like one too.

I am so tired of trying not to think into the future because the mere thought throws me into a mental abyss. I feel like everything is completely hopeless and me most of all.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I might as well go to the underside part of the city, buy some morphine and lie on my bed while it takes me away forever.

Well. some people want to make things better (they learn that hard work usually pays up), others have kinda accepted/twisted that they never make a big difference, and they always fail in life.

 

[never_take_my_heart]

I relate... The smallest things, things that are considered to be "just the way life is" and "something everyone has to go through"... It all feels beyond overwhelming to an already fragile psyche. :(

I sadly can't provide any meaningful advice beyond, admittedly, rather frivolous words as an attempt to comfort, but, hey, just the fact you've made progress, you've acknowledged the said progress... In the midst of despair, any improvement can be massive.

I myself feel a lot of shame for not "handling responsibilities" as I'm "supposed to", especially being lectured with that condescending tone, as you've said... I'm thankful you've shared your frustrations, the same kind of despair.
There's a soul of mine who shares your pains, for what it's worth. You're not floating through the cold, unfeeling void alone.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Your mum is right, that is life. It isn't a sad existence, it's literally part of life. Life brings ups and downs, you can expect everything to be perfect all the time, because shit literally happens. Nor is everything all bad.

You'll find your way as you get older. You will learn that life is full of ups and downs, and learn to grow from things that are handed your way (which is the point of it). Life is literally a learning curve. Yes, it isn't always easy but what is? If everything was great all the time, you would learn absolutely nothing. Those people that say 'life has no meaning', 'what's the meaning of life?' - it is to learn. To experience things - wonderful things, and not so wonderful things. Those that have a pessimistic perspective will literally see nothing else, and those goes for optimism, too. There is always a middle ground, not everyone has one though I guess. It is toxic and unhealthy to look at things as all good or all bad - nothing in life is like that. However, if you're depressed you're hardly going to see things from a optimistic perspective, but it is important to be grateful for things, too. And that can help change your perspective on things.

Some people are lucky and have everything handed to them on a plate, some are born into poverty and have to deal with that their entire lives, regardless of how much they work, because the job is so low paid - not knowing where their next meal is coming from, or if they're going to die next winter because they can't afford heating. I would suggest you continue your studies so you can have a better life. Yes it is hard, but isn't meant to be easy, if it was easy, you'd fly through it and as I said above, you'd learn absolutely nothing. You're at Uni for a reason - to learn, right?

I'd continue talking to your therapist about this, because she's the professional. You are evidently very depressed, but you must find a way to get out of this mindset. You have your entire life ahead of you and things can literally change overnight. You are evidently very young, but you have decades to work on yourself. Take this uni opportunity as something you can do with your life, make something of yourself. An opportunity a lot would give their right arm for.

I hope things ease for you a bit