I don't wanna live but I don't wanna kill myself and I'm so confused

[EternalPain]

I'm so incredibly scared of killing myself. I don't wanna feel the pain, or the guilt right before when I have to betray everyone and leave my friends behind, without any explanation or goodbye out of the fear that they'd stop me.
But I don't want to live at all. Every day I wish it was over. My brain is giving me horrible thoughts, I have no motivation or energy to get better, I don't feel like life is 'giving' me anything, I feel like a waste, like it was a mistake that I'm here.
How does someone who has no desire to live even exist? What is WRONG with me? It hurts to even think about.
I hate myself so much. I have never felt fully understood, I can't put my feelings into words so well. But at the same time I don't understand myself. Everything changes so quickly. I am not sure who or what I am.
My emotions are so overwhelming too. A perfect day can be ruined by the littlest thing and immediately I can't stand anything and I feel so angry at everything and everyone and myself most of all. I've cried or cancelled plans because of the littlest things, and it only seems like too much afterwards. In the moment I feel nothing but misery.
How am I meant to deal with that? I can't even trust myself. I don't remember why I feel like this. Why I would do that. It feels like I am a new person that doesn't understand the previous ones every moment. And I'm scared of killing myself because the next one who awakes with poison in their system or a noose tight around their neck and unaware why it was done might also be that confused.
I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone. Am I insane? Why can't I just have never existed?

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

This makes perfect sense to me. You know why? It is the exact same way I feel, too. To a T. If anyone ever truly wanted to know how I feel, I would probaly just show them this post. Living like this is indeed the most ultimate form of toture.

 

[EternalPain]

This makes perfect sense to me. You know why? It is the exact same way I feel, too. To a T. If anyone ever truly wanted to know how I feel, I would probaly just show them this post. Living like this is indeed the most ultimate form of toture.

I'm so sorry you have to feel like this too. But thank you for responding. Even though I can't see it in my future, I hope you find peace sometime soon. It's horrible. Too bad for words.

 

[sadgal1749]

I'm so incredibly scared of killing myself. I don't wanna feel the pain, or the guilt right before when I have to betray everyone and leave my friends behind, without any explanation or goodbye out of the fear that they'd stop me.
But I don't want to live at all. Every day I wish it was over. My brain is giving me horrible thoughts, I have no motivation or energy to get better, I don't feel like life is 'giving' me anything, I feel like a waste, like it was a mistake that I'm here.
How does someone who has no desire to live even exist? What is WRONG with me? It hurts to even think about.
I hate myself so much. I have never felt fully understood, I can't put my feelings into words so well. But at the same time I don't understand myself. Everything changes so quickly. I am not sure who or what I am.
My emotions are so overwhelming too. A perfect day can be ruined by the littlest thing and immediately I can't stand anything and I feel so angry at everything and everyone and myself most of all. I've cried or cancelled plans because of the littlest things, and it only seems like too much afterwards. In the moment I feel nothing but misery.
How am I meant to deal with that? I can't even trust myself. I don't remember why I feel like this. Why I would do that. It feels like I am a new person that doesn't understand the previous ones every moment. And I'm scared of killing myself because the next one who awakes with poison in their system or a noose tight around their neck and unaware why it was done might also be that confused.
I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone. Am I insane? Why can't I just have never existed?

I feel the same way. My mind tells me everything I do and say is fake and that nothing is worth it.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful feeling trapped in that situation of endless suffering, existing truly can be so torturous. But anyway I wish you the best.