enlightened_suicide
How do you know, this isn't all a dream?
- Jan 4, 2020
- 112
Depression:
I feel like during recovery I have to put back on the mask, that i had desperately and finally ripped off, and finally let go of.
Even if only to appease the people that I care so deeply for, that will never understand the pain, the hurt, the self hatred.
I'm not sure how long I will be able to continue this time and actually putting forth effort and faking this shit day in and day out.
I've been struggling and drowning for so long now and pretending to be good, pretending to be happy and satisfied with this less than satisfactory
life that everybody seems to be okay with, I do't get it' I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe. I've attempted so many times even in foolproof
ways it makes me sick that I still awake each and everyday to this life that pains me so dearly.
I feel as if nobody cares and when they do, they only want a gold star for talking and giving pity to the sad kid... IDONTWANTYOURFUCKNGPITY i just want to be happy i want to feel secure, i want to feel okay, i want to be apart of something bigger, and i feel as if the spirit realm will give me the peace I desire so damn much..
I OD'd and they cared for a moment to make them look good for everyone who knew about it, then it was back to usual the fights, the calling me worthless, as if they were upset that I didn't succeed so they could receive pity and be in the spotlight for a brief minute.. they don't care, they don't love, they feed on the dramatic uneasiness and tension surrounding my mental health.
I hate myself, I envy the happy, I feel for the broken, I envy the ones who finally feel the peace I so desperately have been searching for..
I know I haven't had an account for very long but I've been with all of you for a few months now.. I can't lie it really hurt to lose the very influential few that left us in the last week or so, but I am so ready to join them and ready to celebrate the peace we have finally achieved after being empty for so so long..
I just don't know how much more I can take of this emptiness, the sadness, and living this pointless life just to end up in the same place in the end,
but still have to endure all this shit for so much longer.
I know it has been a little over half a year since my last episode, but I had to do my research and finally make sure their are absolutely zero loose ends and chances of surviving, I'm sick of being certain and waking back up to an even worse situation than what I had left. I've tried to keep living for them, partly bc they make me feel so damn guilty that I would even consider wanting out bc life is perfect for them, and apparently it has never even been a thought even in passing for them. Making me feel guilty for not wanting to live as a slave in a jailcell of this earth we call home,this sick and twisted society and backward ass morals of hate and self progression. The voices tell me to end it every day and I numbed it out for so long with the drugs but had to get clean and they're back.. I can;t take it .. I can't take this..
Noone understands the pain and the suffering. the only wanting to help others but always getting fucked in the end game. They are caught up in this never ending cycle that I have seen through for so long, they just follow the program, go through the motions brainwashed by the leaders who only want to control and could care less whether we live or die .. they only care that they lose another slave in their chess game of life .. They never question anything and just accept it on their knees as the fucking sheep.
(I cant remember who said it but he quoted it perfectly) He said: "Only the smart ones kill themselves to get out of this useless matrix. The rest continue on like it is heaven on earth."
But then again maybe people not thinking for themselves is a good thing.. I don't want anybody to feel the pain, the hate, the emptiness, the numb, the brokeness, never being apart of anything, WANTING TO DIE SINCE FUCKING BIRTH!! The cutting, The screaming when nobody will listen, the isolation, the voices, the in-hospitalization, the meds that make you wanna die more, being taken advantage of emotionally and physically, being behind in a world so far ahead, the not being loved, the outcasts and pariahs, the sick battered broken lonely but loving hearts that suffer each and every pain staking minute of breath in our lungs.
The empty and silent.
N O B O D Y D E S E R V E S T H I S S H I T.
I hear the train coming way .
I hear the helicopters .
I see the light .
and the last bus to catch has almost arrived.
I feel like during recovery I have to put back on the mask, that i had desperately and finally ripped off, and finally let go of.
Even if only to appease the people that I care so deeply for, that will never understand the pain, the hurt, the self hatred.
I'm not sure how long I will be able to continue this time and actually putting forth effort and faking this shit day in and day out.
I've been struggling and drowning for so long now and pretending to be good, pretending to be happy and satisfied with this less than satisfactory
life that everybody seems to be okay with, I do't get it' I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe. I've attempted so many times even in foolproof
ways it makes me sick that I still awake each and everyday to this life that pains me so dearly.
I feel as if nobody cares and when they do, they only want a gold star for talking and giving pity to the sad kid... IDONTWANTYOURFUCKNGPITY i just want to be happy i want to feel secure, i want to feel okay, i want to be apart of something bigger, and i feel as if the spirit realm will give me the peace I desire so damn much..
I OD'd and they cared for a moment to make them look good for everyone who knew about it, then it was back to usual the fights, the calling me worthless, as if they were upset that I didn't succeed so they could receive pity and be in the spotlight for a brief minute.. they don't care, they don't love, they feed on the dramatic uneasiness and tension surrounding my mental health.
I hate myself, I envy the happy, I feel for the broken, I envy the ones who finally feel the peace I so desperately have been searching for..
I know I haven't had an account for very long but I've been with all of you for a few months now.. I can't lie it really hurt to lose the very influential few that left us in the last week or so, but I am so ready to join them and ready to celebrate the peace we have finally achieved after being empty for so so long..
I just don't know how much more I can take of this emptiness, the sadness, and living this pointless life just to end up in the same place in the end,
but still have to endure all this shit for so much longer.
I know it has been a little over half a year since my last episode, but I had to do my research and finally make sure their are absolutely zero loose ends and chances of surviving, I'm sick of being certain and waking back up to an even worse situation than what I had left. I've tried to keep living for them, partly bc they make me feel so damn guilty that I would even consider wanting out bc life is perfect for them, and apparently it has never even been a thought even in passing for them. Making me feel guilty for not wanting to live as a slave in a jailcell of this earth we call home,this sick and twisted society and backward ass morals of hate and self progression. The voices tell me to end it every day and I numbed it out for so long with the drugs but had to get clean and they're back.. I can;t take it .. I can't take this..
Noone understands the pain and the suffering. the only wanting to help others but always getting fucked in the end game. They are caught up in this never ending cycle that I have seen through for so long, they just follow the program, go through the motions brainwashed by the leaders who only want to control and could care less whether we live or die .. they only care that they lose another slave in their chess game of life .. They never question anything and just accept it on their knees as the fucking sheep.
(I cant remember who said it but he quoted it perfectly) He said: "Only the smart ones kill themselves to get out of this useless matrix. The rest continue on like it is heaven on earth."
But then again maybe people not thinking for themselves is a good thing.. I don't want anybody to feel the pain, the hate, the emptiness, the numb, the brokeness, never being apart of anything, WANTING TO DIE SINCE FUCKING BIRTH!! The cutting, The screaming when nobody will listen, the isolation, the voices, the in-hospitalization, the meds that make you wanna die more, being taken advantage of emotionally and physically, being behind in a world so far ahead, the not being loved, the outcasts and pariahs, the sick battered broken lonely but loving hearts that suffer each and every pain staking minute of breath in our lungs.
The empty and silent.
N O B O D Y D E S E R V E S T H I S S H I T.
I hear the train coming way .
I hear the helicopters .
I see the light .
and the last bus to catch has almost arrived.
