Oblivion
Wizard
- Aug 2, 2018
- 611
I always thought that death is what i truly need, clarity is a funny thing cause when you don't have it, your mind creates other reasons for the things you are thinking about.
Yes i hate everything in my life, i am worth nothing and will never be, i am not even 1% of what and who i want to be, but what i recently figured out that some kind of financial security can keep me alive.
having to worry day and night about not making money while i'm paralyzed by depression and ADHD from doing any kind of work and spending my life getting fired from job to another, it's really really heavy, lacking the ability to live in my own place, to buy the basic needs in my life, to even buy a TV in my own room, these are the least things a person needs and i cannot accomplish them.
having the ability to drive up to the mountains anytime i want and just sit there gazing at the beautiful scenery which is my medicine and joy, it's been more than 6 weeks and i cannot afford going there cause i'm broke and in debt.
My life would still suck even with money, but money gets me liberty, rids me of the stress and anxiety of not making any and the crushing weight of being in debt to someone or the humiliation of having to ask family for it and getting rejected, money would buy me time and great mountains times where i can sit there for hours having my beer and just gazing at the mountains until the sun sets and the bobcats or whatever they're called start howling, it is literally magical up there and i want to go up at least few times every week but i can't even afford the 10$ gasoline cost of going up there, i can't even fix my dad's car which i use since months.
few months ago i restarted my small business after arguing with my sis to give me money, she gave me a 1000$ from her husband (cause she doesn't work), i've never felt lower but i felt OK and motivated to restart my work and told her that it's a debt that i will pay back (which now i know i won't) i didn't know the source of my motivation but i had a good month's sale and since that month until now i'm making almost nothing, my business is going broke soon, i realized that my motivation was to fix the car and to install an insane sound system in it so i can hear my music as loudly as i want, and so i can afford going up the mountains and to buy whatever i want.
After coming back to reality and realizing that i will never ever have these simple things in life i'm back to square one and i just wanna end my life, but i'm a coward who could never do it and i just can't, the last time i held an SN cup in my hand i kept holding few 3-4 hours unable to drink it cause of my fear, the last time i was on the 44th floor of a building, i looked down and the fear consumed and push me way back, there was no fucking way i could jump. i only wish i could hire someone to kill me without my knowledge of when and how, just a swift sudden painless death, and i believe these contracts should be legal. fuck humans, fuck humanity.
Yes i hate everything in my life, i am worth nothing and will never be, i am not even 1% of what and who i want to be, but what i recently figured out that some kind of financial security can keep me alive.
having to worry day and night about not making money while i'm paralyzed by depression and ADHD from doing any kind of work and spending my life getting fired from job to another, it's really really heavy, lacking the ability to live in my own place, to buy the basic needs in my life, to even buy a TV in my own room, these are the least things a person needs and i cannot accomplish them.
having the ability to drive up to the mountains anytime i want and just sit there gazing at the beautiful scenery which is my medicine and joy, it's been more than 6 weeks and i cannot afford going there cause i'm broke and in debt.
My life would still suck even with money, but money gets me liberty, rids me of the stress and anxiety of not making any and the crushing weight of being in debt to someone or the humiliation of having to ask family for it and getting rejected, money would buy me time and great mountains times where i can sit there for hours having my beer and just gazing at the mountains until the sun sets and the bobcats or whatever they're called start howling, it is literally magical up there and i want to go up at least few times every week but i can't even afford the 10$ gasoline cost of going up there, i can't even fix my dad's car which i use since months.
few months ago i restarted my small business after arguing with my sis to give me money, she gave me a 1000$ from her husband (cause she doesn't work), i've never felt lower but i felt OK and motivated to restart my work and told her that it's a debt that i will pay back (which now i know i won't) i didn't know the source of my motivation but i had a good month's sale and since that month until now i'm making almost nothing, my business is going broke soon, i realized that my motivation was to fix the car and to install an insane sound system in it so i can hear my music as loudly as i want, and so i can afford going up the mountains and to buy whatever i want.
After coming back to reality and realizing that i will never ever have these simple things in life i'm back to square one and i just wanna end my life, but i'm a coward who could never do it and i just can't, the last time i held an SN cup in my hand i kept holding few 3-4 hours unable to drink it cause of my fear, the last time i was on the 44th floor of a building, i looked down and the fear consumed and push me way back, there was no fucking way i could jump. i only wish i could hire someone to kill me without my knowledge of when and how, just a swift sudden painless death, and i believe these contracts should be legal. fuck humans, fuck humanity.
