I don't wanna die, but I have to, it seems.

[lunargreenx]

I've ordered SN. Today the package crossed the border and it will soon be delivered. My life is.. hideous. My mother beat me when I was a kid and I am completely fucked up because of that. People told me I am a terrible person and that I will go to hell. I was that kid nobody talks to at school ("because he is a faggot, what if we catch it?"). My aunt keeps telling me how pathetic piece of trash I am and It always makes me feel so terrible. I am still living this worthless horrible life and I still live with my mother. Everyday I wake up and wonder why. I now officialy ended high school which should be a new chapter in everybody's life.

But the thing is, I want to live. I want to magically find some money and leave my family and this country behind and go to university. I always dreamed of having a partner and starting a family. I would study and then move to Canada. I want something to STOP me from killing myself. Something that would mean something to me. But who am I kidding? I feel worse and worse everyday with no way out.

In the end I am going to die alone and scared.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

We are here for you. I too wanted to start a family. I've been having fertility issues for over a year now and I'm afraid if I don't get pregnant I'll just ctb

 

[MorticiasHair]

You don't have to. You're 19. There's so much more you could do. I wish you all the best.

 

[Fullof pain]

What I am reading here is that you have a sense of hope. That is what will help you to achieve the things you want in life. I am saddened that there seems to be so many negative people in your life , but they are not speaking the truth. And being prejudiced about someone's sexuality went out with the dark ages, if I may say that. You are you and not defined by the partner you choose. Everyone, without exception deserves love and is worthy of love and by that I mean YOU

 

[Anonymoussn]

Whilst the prospect of going to university is not a viable option for everyone, you can get a job, and you can move out. It might not be today or tomorrow, but those things are absolutely doable at some point.

It sounds to me like if you want to turn your life around, you need to leave toxic people in your life (like your aunt and your mother) behind and to get somewhat of a new start.

The 'something to stop me from killing myself' that you've mentioned can come in many forms. You might get a new job you love. You might make new friends you are really attached too. Possibly even a partner. These things will find you throughout the course of your life, and will often take you by surprise.

The demons from your past, like the beatings you were subjected to are things that will heal naturally over time, but also that you can get help with by talking to people (and maybe even getting therapy if that helps).

The obstacles that you've mentioned in your life sound to me like they are all things that are possible to overcome. If you are able to find the strength to go on, I sincerely believe things may well improve for you.

 

[lunargreenx]

We are here for you. I too wanted to start a family. I've been having fertility issues for over a year now and I'm afraid if I don't get pregnant I'll just ctb

I am so sorry this had happened to you. May you find happiness.

The obstacles that you've mentioned in your life sound to me like they are all things that are possible to overcome. If you are able to find the strength to go on, I sincerely believe things may well improve for you.

Thank you.

But I am afraid It's not possible where I am now. As I said, I am stuck here. I need something to help me move to West or something. I was thinking of doing university and then going to California (I was there on a trip in 2017, It is pure magic) or Canada. Of course, Corona destroyed my plans by completely annihilating the chance of me completing qualifications that are necessary when you are applying to university. But even if I did get, I am not sure how would I be able to support myself...

Now, I am not sure what to do. I am completely fucked.

 

[Fullof pain]

Can you get a grant, bursary, loan or something similar to fund uni?

 

[lunargreenx]

Can you get a grant, bursary, loan or something similar to fund uni?

Yes, I can get a loan if I study in the UK. But I also need money to pay rent and food while studying and that isn't covered by the loans. And I also don't have any qualifications to prove to universities that I know Maths. I only have English Language Certificate C1. Basically, english and maths are the only things I am good at.

 

[Fullof pain]

Could you re take your exams at a college, perhaps part time and work on the side?

 

[Anonymoussn]

Yes, I can get a loan if I study in the UK. But I also need money to pay rent and food while studying and that isn't covered by the loans. And I also don't have any qualifications to prove to universities that I know Maths. I only have English Language Certificate C1. Basically, english and maths are the only things I am good at.

I dont know how it works for international students. But I live in the UK and went to uni here, and UK based students here get a Tuition loan to pay course fees, and a living loan to pay rent and food and things. Is this not also available to international students?

With regards to the second point, Universities here are admitting UK students in September based around predicted grades. If there is nothing similar in place for international students yet, I would assume this will at some point in the near future be extended to them as well, as what is the alternative? Having no international students this year? I cant imagine universities would want that.

 

[Fullof pain]

I always believe that knowledge is power. Try to get as much info as possible on your different options, talk to as many unis and colleges and careers advisors as you can, knock on every door if you have to! I sense that you have the strength to forge your own path ahead

I dont know how it works for international students. But I live in the UK and went to uni here, and UK based students here get a Tuition loan to pay course fees, and a living loan to pay rent and food and things. Is this not also available to international students?

With regards to the second point, Universities here are admitting UK students in September based around predicted grades. If there is nothing similar in place for international students yet, I would assume this will at some point in the near future be extended to them as well, as what is the alternative? Having no international students this year? I cant imagine universities would want that.

Thanks, you explained it way better than I could !!

 

[lunargreenx]

@Fullof pain @Anonymoussn
Thank you guys I appreciate your help. I really do.

Right now only one college is considering taking me in. University of Leeds.

You know, I've always been a high achiever. I like to be on top. It gives me a sense of reward and appreciation from others that makes me feel like someone. The first university I applied to was LSE. One of the top universities in the whole world. I can't tell you how dissapointed I was, when I found out I didn't pass admission test because our country doesn't have the same Math standard and we are taught completely different and useless things.

And no, I don't have access to maintenance loans to cover my rent, even though I am from EU. Only UK residents can take those loans.

 

[Anonymoussn]

@Fullof pain @Anonymoussn
Thank you guys I appreciate your help. I really do.

Right now only one college is considering taking me in. University of Leeds.

You know, I've always been a high achiever. I like to be on top. It gives me a sense of reward and appreciation from others that makes me feel like someone. The first university I applied to was LSE. One of the top universities in the whole world. I can't tell you how dissapointed I was, when I found out I didn't pass admission test because our country doesn't have the same Math standard and we are taught completely different and useless things.

And no, I don't have access to maintenance loans to cover my rent, even though I am from EU. Only UK residents can take those loans.

No problem - glad to hear its helping you! Universities in the UK allow people (Non-internationals, at least) to 'defer' for a year, which means that they start the year after instead if they choose to. It's to enable people to do things like take a gap year to go travelling, or to work for a while. Perhaps it might be worth asking if you can do this? That way if you cant get the maintenance loan, you could work for a year, and use savings to fund your studies for a while? And then if need be you could also get a weekend job whilst in the UK?

Another option would be to write them a letter, stating your sincere desire to go to university there, and that one concern you have is that due to not having access to maintenance loans, you're concerned about how you might survive financially. They might have some other helpful option/advice that might help you make it work.

As a side note, I had a girlfriend whilst I was at uni (in Manchester, just an hour down the road) who was a Uni of Leeds student, and she absolutely loved it. And I stayed with her a lot and had a great time there during visits too. It is also a prestigious university, and would be a great thing to get a degree from there if you were able to do so.

 

[Bruces]

I'm the same I don't wanna die but I have to

 

[Deleted member 17949]

At this point I feel like the occasional good things are just distractions from the impending doom. I can't trust myself when I want to live because I know it will get worse again.

 

[lunargreenx]

No problem - glad to hear its helping you! Universities in the UK allow people (Non-internationals, at least) to 'defer' for a year, which means that they start the year after instead if they choose to. It's to enable people to do things like take a gap year to go travelling, or to work for a while. Perhaps it might be worth asking if you can do this? That way if you cant get the maintenance loan, you could work for a year, and use savings to fund your studies for a while? And then if need be you could also get a weekend job whilst in the UK?

Another option would be to write them a letter, stating your sincere desire to go to university there, and that one concern you have is that due to not having access to maintenance loans, you're concerned about how you might survive financially. They might have some other helpful option/advice that might help you make it work.

As a side note, I had a girlfriend whilst I was at uni (in Manchester, just an hour down the road) who was a Uni of Leeds student, and she absolutely loved it. And I stayed with her a lot and had a great time there during visits too. It is also a prestigious university, and would be a great thing to get a degree from there if you were able to do so.

I guess I can wait for the uni reaction. SN can wait in my drawer anyway. I consider myself stupid for giving my life so much of false hope all the time, but whatever. I won't defer now, as everybody else is defering and I don't want to make it harder for them. I will be very humble if they accept me. I am really thankfull for your encouragement.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I've ordered SN. Today the package crossed the border and it will soon be delivered. My life is.. hideous. My mother beat me when I was a kid and I am completely fucked up because of that. People told me I am a terrible person and that I will go to hell. I was that kid nobody talks to at school ("because he is a faggot, what if we catch it?"). My aunt keeps telling me how pathetic piece of trash I am and It always makes me feel so terrible. I am still living this worthless horrible life and I still live with my mother. Everyday I wake up and wonder why. I now officialy ended high school which should be a new chapter in everybody's life.

But the thing is, I want to live. I want to magically find some money and leave my family and this country behind and go to university. I always dreamed of having a partner and starting a family. I would study and then move to Canada. I want something to STOP me from killing myself. Something that would mean something to me. But who am I kidding? I feel worse and worse everyday with no way out.

In the end I am going to die alone and scared.

I feel this. I have right commenting but....I feel this. My issue is thta I don't know when I'll escape from my household alive. I am tired of waiting and waiting. So I'd rather die now to get it over with

 

[Anonymoussn]

I guess I can wait for the uni reaction. SN can wait in my drawer anyway. I consider myself stupid for giving my life so much of false hope all the time, but whatever. I won't defer now, as everybody else is defering and I don't want to make it harder for them. I will be very humble if they accept me. I am really thankfull for your encouragement.

I think if I were in your situation, I'd be inclined to write a letter mentioning the possibility of deferring, and asking for other options. That way, it's not really on you if you've stated your desire not to defer, and have asked for other options, and they havent given you any - that would be on them, and then perhaps it might help to absolve you of your guilt?

Not sure if you would ever even consider deferring - but just something to think about.

 

[lunargreenx]

I think if I were in your situation, I'd be inclined to write a letter mentioning the possibility of deferring, and asking for other options. That way, it's not really on you if you've stated your desire not to defer, and have asked for other options, and they havent given you any - that would be on them, and then perhaps it might help to absolve you of your guilt?

Not sure if you would ever even consider deferring - but just something to think about.

Yeah I should probably consider it...

The world is going to shit. We shall see if my life will go with it. I'd really love to study at Leeds, because they have amazing study abroad option - they have the best Canadian universities as their partners, so I was thinking I would use it if I studied there.

 

[Anonymoussn]

Yeah I should probably consider it...

The world is going to shit. We shall see if my life will go with it. I'd really love to study at Leeds, because they have amazing study abroad option - they have the best Canadian universities as their partners, so I was thinking I would use it if I studied there.

I think I'd be seriously considering it with the covid situation anyway. A big part of the experience for me is all about meeting new people, and experiencing a new city.

Who wants to pay all that money to do distance learning, and not see anyone?

Although with the pubs opening and stuff tomorrow, who knows - maybe everything will be a lot closer to normal by september.

 

[JoeFailure]

Hopefully you can get out of your situation and into a school, some pay or have dorm/apartment living as part of their grants and scholarships.

I know it's hard to look into the future when you feel this way, and it doesn't help for people to tell you that you're young...but if you can keep trying and make it to a place like California or Portland for school eventually that I'm sure has just totally different vibes and is very gay-friendly if that was a concern, that you might have a path here.

 

[Localmanic]

I've ordered SN. Today the package crossed the border and it will soon be delivered. My life is.. hideous. My mother beat me when I was a kid and I am completely fucked up because of that. People told me I am a terrible person and that I will go to hell. I was that kid nobody talks to at school ("because he is a faggot, what if we catch it?"). My aunt keeps telling me how pathetic piece of trash I am and It always makes me feel so terrible. I am still living this worthless horrible life and I still live with my mother. Everyday I wake up and wonder why. I now officialy ended high school which should be a new chapter in everybody's life.

But the thing is, I want to live. I want to magically find some money and leave my family and this country behind and go to university. I always dreamed of having a partner and starting a family. I would study and then move to Canada. I want something to STOP me from killing myself. Something that would mean something to me. But who am I kidding? I feel worse and worse everyday with no way out.

In the end I am going to die alone and scared.

It sounds like you are not ready, find the positives and work on them xx

 

[lunargreenx]

I think I'd be seriously considering it with the covid situation anyway. A big part of the experience for me is all about meeting new people, and experiencing a new city.

Who wants to pay all that money to do distance learning, and not see anyone?

Although with the pubs opening and stuff tomorrow, who knows - maybe everything will be a lot closer to normal by september.

I am more worried about the economic impact. But still. You have to open the shops, if you like it or not. It can't be like this forever with lockdown. By the end of this year there will be no restrictions. The worst case scenairo is that it will drag on until next summer, which is unlikely. Vaccine is on the way and they say it will be widely available by next summer.

Hopefully you can get out of your situation and into a school, some pay or have dorm/apartment living as part of their grants and scholarships.

I know it's hard to look into the future when you feel this way, and it doesn't help for people to tell you that you're young...but if you can keep trying and make it to a place like California or Portland for school eventually that I'm sure has just totally different vibes and is very gay-friendly if that was a concern, that you might have a path here.

Thank you! I was in San Fracisco and Los Angeles. And I don't say it specifically because I need to get into the most gay populated area, but the SF really blew my mind. Everything is around the corner, beautiful little houses, incredible beach, friendly people.

LA sucked. Heat like in hell and everything 50 miles away from you.

 

[mem12]

I would advise you to go to States or Australia. Maybe you could get a part time job and support yourself.
Or try to go to Canada directly. It is hard but you are young and you can still try. So close to a new life.

 

[Living sucks]

You have an amazing head on your shoulders .. despite your mom. There is so much potential for you. Being gay is considered a minority.. use it to your advantage!
I wish I could go back to 19 and do it over and be more like you. Take care

 

[4eyebiped]

We are here for you. I too wanted to start a family. I've been having fertility issues for over a year now and I'm afraid if I don't get pregnant I'll just ctb

I realize this might be a sensitive topic for you, but would adoption be a possible option for you if you are unable to get pregnant? Is it the lack of a child that has you wanting to CTB or do you somehow view yourself in a negative way for not being able to get pregnant? If this is too personal, don't worry about responding.

 

[lunargreenx]

You have an amazing head on your shoulders .. despite your mom. There is so much potential for you. Being gay is considered a minority.. use it to your advantage!
I wish I could go back to 19 and do it over and be more like you. Take care

You are too kind. Thank you. I wish more people were like you.