Venting I don't understand..

[Starfire]

I think I'm okay. I don't see any problem at hand right now.. but why do I still want to die? At this point, I really have no idea where this is coming from.

Do I really want to die? Or just want the suffering to end?

But what am I suffering from? I don't know. I have no idea. I think I'm okay.. am I? But why tho? Why do I still want to disappear? Why do I still feel so helpless and sad and empty and wrecked? Why am I still hurting? I can't see any reason that can explain this intense desire for self-destruction.

I cut my friends off, yes.

But I know that I did not completely forget about them. I know that I'm just waiting for the right time to talk to them again. I just need to fix myself first. I can't keep involving them in this. I honestly can't wait to talk to them again. But how am I supposed to do that if I can't shake this constant shitty feeling off? I can't come back like this. I can't come back just to suddenly disappear again. When I come back, I want to come back strong. Permanent.

But I don't know if that's possible now. I'm so far from being completely healed. I can't even figure out what's wrong with me and why I feel like this. I can't give myself any valid reason why I want to self-destruct. Why I want to end it all. Why I want to leave..

Why I want to die.

Please.. I'm so confused. I don't know how to deal with this anymore..

Save me. For the first time in a while, I actually wanna be saved.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

Recovery from anything doesn't happen in isolation. I don't know if the goal is to be "completely healed" before having interpreted relationships again, interpersonal relationships are part of what anchor people to life and provide real healing.

I do know what it's like to be isolated and in a pain that no one else understands, I'm there right now. What I'm struggling with is something that I can't really explain to other people because I don't even understand it, and my circumstances are beyond what pretty much anyone I know has gone through.

I dunno, therapy in the past has been helpful for me. I found working with a therapist who specializes in trauma incredibly helpful, she was able to see things that were going on with me that I couldn't see myself. I've had a couple of useless therapists, therapy isn't necessarily going to always work, but it's worth trying to find a good therapist. I didn't see myself as a trauma survivor when I started therapy, she was just someone who was recommended to me, but I think that for anyone who's in real, deep pain, finding someone who works with trauma survivors might be helpful. They might be more able to understand and help.

The impulse to heal is a good one, it's worth exploring the possibility of getting support. And I dunno, people can be broken and fucked up and still worthy of love. Sending hugs.

 

[RedEther]

I would def recommend therapy if you haven't already. Its could be something deep down you don't realize your suppressing, or chemical.
One thing I do know for sure is that you should never ctb without a 100% clear reason. Find yourself, open every door. Find your answers

 

[juraviel]

sounds a lot like suicidal ideation and is common in many psychiatric conditions

need a good therapist to help you understand the underlying cause.

 

[Midgardsorm]

I think there's two things here:

One would be the suicidal ideation. You may have suicidal for a long time and it's difficult to simply let go of the feeling. Death was something that would might have accepted as your certain future and now that has changed. Most humans are resistant to change, so it's completely normal that you're feeling this way. To let go of this feeling, you will need to force yourself to see your future again, not a nothingness, but a living one.

The second thing would be the lack of direction. If you're not doing anything, working, studying, building your future, then depression will set in with ease since you were already depressed before. Since you already accepted death as your future before, it's like this is your future now. If that's the case, to change that, you would need to rebuild your life. Start a work, apply for a course, college or anything.

In any case, I'm happy to know that you're recovering. As soon as you are able to shake these feelings off, you will be on your way towards a happy future.

I wish you the very best.

 

[Huntfish34]

Even though maybe mine is directed more to..... My feeling Worthless, useless, resentments / hatred...

I Completely understand what you mean because I'm Ok right now.. Great family and friends mostly that I often wonder What is my fucking deal? Wtf ? Very confusing to me.

Take care of yourself,

Butch.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Life certainly is very tiring. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are struggling. As you said, you wanted to be saved, so I hope you start to feel better soon.