By most accounts, I'm somewhat privileged. I'm able to go to college (despite me not even knowing if the field is what I want), I'm about to be moving out with a girlfriend and getting our own apartment and living alone, which is also nice and a privilege. Ironically, sometimes I only see the negatives of living alone. I have a vehicle, I have money to live on. I have a lot more than some people. I know people who have less than me and are content. Yet, here I am with all my creature comforts, still constantly thinking about CTB and being in a negative headspace. Usually thinking about SN or jumping or whatever method piques my curiosity at the time, usually SN.
Like there's this cool new building at the university, a marvel to look at honestly. Yet, sometimes, all I can think of is jumping off of the top floor of it when I look at it. Never would, it's not high enough to guarantee death, but it still plagues my mind. Soon enough, I'm moving out, and idk if I can ctb then because I know the only person who would find my body is my girlfriend and I couldn't scar her like that. It's like I'm in between a rock and a hard place here.
I know logically, I have no pressing concern to CTB, but a lot of it revolves around uncertainty for the future. Like I'm getting a Comp Sci degree and I hear all this gloom and doom about oversaturation, outsourcing, AI, etc. and it's all true. Crowdstrike, for example, has no plans to hire because when pairing their devs with AI, productivity increased.
Also, I'm about to do my first move, and it's terrifying. I can't stay where I'm at after college more than likely, because it's rural and there's no job market for Computer science here. The closest would be an hour move but still, nothings guaranteed there. I might have to move pretty far and I honestly don't know if I have that in me. But the only alternative is to not use my degree. I don't even know if I WANT to use my degree, especially if I have to move far to use it. I know that's an example of fear holding me back though.
There's no real point to this, I'm struggling and I have to start packing soon, so I wanted to vent everything out.
Like there's this cool new building at the university, a marvel to look at honestly. Yet, sometimes, all I can think of is jumping off of the top floor of it when I look at it. Never would, it's not high enough to guarantee death, but it still plagues my mind. Soon enough, I'm moving out, and idk if I can ctb then because I know the only person who would find my body is my girlfriend and I couldn't scar her like that. It's like I'm in between a rock and a hard place here.
I know logically, I have no pressing concern to CTB, but a lot of it revolves around uncertainty for the future. Like I'm getting a Comp Sci degree and I hear all this gloom and doom about oversaturation, outsourcing, AI, etc. and it's all true. Crowdstrike, for example, has no plans to hire because when pairing their devs with AI, productivity increased.
Also, I'm about to do my first move, and it's terrifying. I can't stay where I'm at after college more than likely, because it's rural and there's no job market for Computer science here. The closest would be an hour move but still, nothings guaranteed there. I might have to move pretty far and I honestly don't know if I have that in me. But the only alternative is to not use my degree. I don't even know if I WANT to use my degree, especially if I have to move far to use it. I know that's an example of fear holding me back though.
There's no real point to this, I'm struggling and I have to start packing soon, so I wanted to vent everything out.
