Venting I don't understand the system

[SOL3HIRO]

A couple of days ago was the first day I spent in the hospital alone at 20 years old.

That night I was planning to CTB by partial hanging but my plans were ruined when my mother found out. She called a helpline and the helpline told me to give my rope to my mother. I was so angry because I was so tired of living that I locked myself in my mother's room and took 3.75g of Venlafaxine, which is all I had and left the room after my mother started banging on the door. My mother had called the police and I was taken in an ambulance to the hospital. Due to C-19 restrictions, my mother was not allowed to come with me and I was in ER alone. Of course, I knew that this amount was not lethal enough to kill me but at this point, I'll take any chance I can get to ruin myself. I cried all night because I felt like such a failure. I cried because I just wanted the suffering to end.

I'm not going to lie, I was lucky. I was meant to spend 2-3 days in hospital due to my heart rate constantly hitting between 120-150 (the usual heart rate is 60-100) but I begged them to let me leave bc I wasn't able to sleep at the hospital and at that time I had spent 2 nights there. They tossed up whether I should go to the psychiatric ward, which I had been to once before, or a home for others like me. I convinced them to let me go to a home and luckily again, I was able to get out after 2 days because of all my begging to get out.

You're probably wondering why I say all this. Well, I have been thinking about how sad and uncomfortable and anxiety-filled I was to be surrounded by people I didn't know or didn't want to talk to. I didn't want help and I just wanted to go home. I think it's crazy that the way people expect to help suicidal people is by locking them up without freedom. We don't get treated like normal people with choices. My mother wanted me to go to the psychiatric ward because she was afraid of me killing myself and yet, she was at home surrounded by people she loves, getting the comfort she wanted. What about me? Why did I have to cry every night because I felt so lonely with no one around me whom I felt were friends/family? Why do I have to go to places that just make me more depressed about life and make me want to CTB even more? Why are we treated like animals just because we believe that we can decide what we want to do with our own lives? I was in the car with my mother and she was telling me about how she was having such a great time at home while I was in the hospital and it really made me think that people are so selfish. Why can't I be selfish and take my life the way I want to? It really hurts to know that I have no control over my life.

I know I don't have it as bad as many people on this site but I think we can all relate to the fear that comes with the outcome of failing suicide and the consequences and loss of freedom that come with it.

 

[Rogue Proxy]

It's absolutely disgusting how humans treat those who are neurodivergent, have mental health conditions, and/or just don't want to live anymore for any reason. Even accusations of mental illness and ableist slurs against neurodiversity/neurodisability are weaponized to invalidate, silence, shame, guilt, and manipulate anyone who doesn't conform to society's ideals. We deserve just as much compassion, respect, understanding, dignity, and support (NOT forced institutionalization, "treatment", or "therapy") as any other human being.

Nobody chooses to be born. Everyone is forced into existence due to the selfish whims of all breeders. Everyone should have the right to end their lives for any reason they choose. Unfortunately, between the laws that threaten body autonomy like obtaining birth control and abortions, and humanity's ulterior motives for keeping an unlimited supply of workers, tax payers, breeders, soldiers, problem solvers, and consumers, this isn't going to happen anytime soon, if it all.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I think it's crazy that the way people expect to help suicidal people is by locking them up without freedom. We don't get treated like normal people with choices. My mother wanted me to go to the psychiatric ward because she was afraid of me killing myself and yet, she was at home surrounded by people she loves, getting the comfort she wanted. What about me? Why did I have to cry every night because I felt so lonely with no one around me whom I felt were friends/family? Why do I have to go to places that just make me more depressed about life and make me want to CTB even more? Why are we treated like animals just because we believe that we can decide what we want to do with our own lives?

AMEN!!! I get the feeling many of your questions are rhetorical. You strike me as smart and I'm confident you have your own (good) answers. But I wanted you to know others of us--me for one--have been asking the same questions as you for many, many years. After a brutal, humiliating forced commitment, I vowed never to be institutionalized again. I'll say and do ANYTHING to stay out of that hell. I've never been so suicidal as I was locked up like a criminal on a ward. Hope you never have to go back involuntarily. A hug to you.

 

[SOL3HIRO]

It's absolutely disgusting how humans treat those who are neurodivergent, have mental health conditions, and/or just don't want to live anymore for any reason. Even accusations of mental illness and ableist slurs against neurodiversity/neurodisability are weaponized to invalidate, silence, shame, guilt, and manipulate anyone who doesn't conform to society's ideals. We deserve just as much compassion, respect, understanding, dignity, and support (NOT forced institutionalization, "treatment", or "therapy") as any other human being.

Nobody chooses to be born. Everyone is forced into existence due to the selfish whims of all breeders. Everyone should have the right to end their lives for any reason they choose. Unfortunately, between the laws that threaten body autonomy like obtaining birth control and abortions, and humanity's ulterior motives for keeping an unlimited supply of workers, tax payers, breeders, soldiers, problem solvers, and consumers, this isn't going to happen anytime soon, if it all.

I completely agree with your statement. I will never understand why we are treated as less.
I hope that one day people will understand the importance of choice but as you said, it's definitely not happening any time soon. We can only wish for a better world. Thank you so much for verbally agreeing as it puts me more at ease to know I'm not the only one who thinks this.

AMEN!!! I get the feeling many of your questions are rhetorical. You strike me as smart and I'm confident you have your own (good) answers. But I wanted you to know others of us--me for one--have been asking the same questions as you for many, many years. After a brutal, humiliating forced commitment, I vowed never to be institutionalized again. I'll say and do ANYTHING to stay out of that hell. I've never been so suicidal as I was locked up like a criminal on a ward. Hope you never have to go back involuntarily. A hug to you.

I definitely do not have any answers nor am I more intelligent than the average person but I really appreciate you sharing your vow. It is a vow I've seen from many on SS and it's so sad to see the fear in our words when we talk about what we want to do with our own bodies.

I really hope the best for both of you and thank you so much for the kind words. <3

 

[NatureHermit921]

whether I should go to the psychiatric ward

I feel for you. A forced stay in a ward is horrible. Sleeping in a room with someone you dont know etc etc..I've gotten the feeling that wards arent there to actually help people - but contain them and drug them up. You basically have to lie your way out of such a situation otherwise they will keep you there for a long time..
Glad you didnt have to go there.

 

[SOL3HIRO]

I've gotten the feeling that wards arent there to actually help people - but contain them and drug them up. You basically have to lie your way out of such a situation otherwise they will keep you there for a long time..

This is how I feel too!! There are so many rules and regulations and if you try to leave or become even more depressed in there then they just send you to an even more secure facility with even less freedom. It's insane to believe that this is the system that people, including my mother trust to help people who are neurodivergent.

Thank you for the sympathy! It really means a lot. <3

 

[Rogue Proxy]

I completely agree with your statement. I will never understand why we are treated as less.
I hope that one day people will understand the importance of choice but as you said, it's definitely not happening any time soon. We can only wish for a better world. Thank you so much for verbally agreeing as it puts me more at ease to know I'm not the only one who thinks this.

I definitely do not have any answers nor am I more intelligent than the average person but I really appreciate you sharing your vow. It is a vow I've seen from many on SS and it's so sad to see the fear in our words when we talk about what we want to do with our own bodies.

I really hope the best for both of you and thank you so much for the kind words. <3

Thank you for your appreciation.

As for an explanation for the cruel, inhumane treatment, it boils down to conformity and utility. These two factors, along with social status and wealth (financial, material, and social), determine a human being's worth, value, and treatment by others. The more an individual complies with society's innumerate rules, values, and standards, the better treatment they receive from others, and in turn, the better quality of life. The societal rewards include more validation, compassion, respect, dignity, acceptance, and support from others; more social and professional connections; better chances of securing a well- to high-paying, stable occupation; greater income, obtaining and securing high-quality possessions and essentials (e.g. food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, entertainment, ect.); greater chances in achieving personal goals, longer lifespan, greater chances to obtain sex and more importantly, reproduce; and greater quality of life for their offspring.

From the moment of birth, every human being is expected and demanded to be "useful" to society. Utility is defined by employment, financial earnings, labor, tax payments, reproductive success, prosocial behaviors, entertaining others, creating valuable goods and services; military combat and success; and bolstering others' egos, images, statuses, self-esteem, morale, self-worth, and life purposes. As mentioned before, human civilizations survive and thrive on an unlimited supply of workers, consumers, tax payers, breeders, followers, problem solvers, and soldiers. Every human being must be exploited to the fullest for as long as possible, squeezed dry until they are a penniless, useless, and worthless old husk. Value and worth determined by utility is also applied to other organisms and abiotic components, but that's another discussion.

This is where suicide and euthanasia clashes with conformity and utility. Ending one's life challenges and deviates from the pro-life narratives drilled into everyone's mind since early childhood (e.g. life being precious, miraculous, wonderful, a gift, a journey, God's greatest creation, everyone having a purpose, ect.). It also goes against the anthropocentric belief of humans dominating, controlling, and surpassing everything on earth, including death. Nonconformists are highly threatening to high-ranking, powerful humans, due to the greater difficulty of manipulating, controlling, dominating, and utilizing nonconformists. If suicide and euthanasia were legal, easily accessible, and socially acceptable, countless "useful" humans would be lost, leading to societal collapses, and in turn, human extinction.

To counteract and prevent these issues, the most powerful authority figures, organizations, and influencers employ various means of social control, including laws, religion, trends, traditions, media, "education", forced medical treatment, and other rewards and punishments. Suicide prevention and life preservation also puts up the angelic façade of them being compassionate, caring, and empathetic, further bolstering their ego, image, worth, and value. This results in the majority revoking and rejecting a suicidal individual's social status, income, employment, privileges, rewards, credibility, rights, welfare, worth, and value. Humans already lacking in social status, wealth, utility, and/or conformity are also attacked and abandoned, diminishing their quality of life and survival; and increasing their chances of suicide. Of course, both scenarios can, and do, occur for many unfortunate recipients.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. Being stuck in a psych ward is my worst nightmare and I know it would just make me feel much worse. I do not see how one could possibly be helpful in any way. From what I have heard there is not much difference between them and prisons. I wish society would allow us a right to die, a peaceful exit on our own terms. It is cruel to expect people to suffer for decades. It is our life and our decision. I wish you the best.

 

[Fakereality]

It saddens me to no ends reading about these horrific stories of human coldness and cruelty what have we achieved as a species? Nothing just this hollow industrial corporate control world which only exist to give comfortable life to the selected few lucky enough to get born to rich or powerful parents, whereas a person who has suffered so much in life and just wants the pain to end has to begged and cry infront of the cold hearted monkeys to not get locked up just because the person dared to try leave this vicious cycle of dread pain and suffering, humans have themselves taken the role of "monsters" worse and more cruel than most authors could think or imagine off.

 

[SOL3HIRO]

As for an explanation for the cruel, inhumane treatment, it boils down to conformity and utility. These two factors, along with social status and wealth (financial, material, and social), determine a human being's worth, value, and treatment by others. The more an individual complies with society's innumerate rules, values, and standards, the better treatment they receive from others, and in turn, the better quality of life. The societal rewards include more validation, compassion, respect, dignity, acceptance, and support from others; more social and professional connections; better chances of securing a well- to high-paying, stable occupation; greater income, obtaining and securing high-quality possessions and essentials (e.g. food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, entertainment, ect.); greater chances in achieving personal goals, longer lifespan, greater chances to obtain sex and more importantly, reproduce; and greater quality of life for their offspring.

From the moment of birth, every human being is expected and demanded to be "useful" to society. Utility is defined by employment, financial earnings, labor, tax payments, reproductive success, prosocial behaviors, entertaining others, creating valuable goods and services; military combat and success; and bolstering others' egos, images, statuses, self-esteem, morale, self-worth, and life purposes. As mentioned before, human civilizations survive and thrive on an unlimited supply of workers, consumers, tax payers, breeders, followers, problem solvers, and soldiers. Every human being must be exploited to the fullest for as long as possible, squeezed dry until they are a penniless, useless, and worthless old husk. Value and worth determined by utility is also applied to other organisms and abiotic components, but that's another discussion.

This is where suicide and euthanasia clashes with conformity and utility. Ending one's life challenges and deviates from the pro-life narratives drilled into everyone's mind since early childhood (e.g. life being precious, miraculous, wonderful, a gift, a journey, God's greatest creation, everyone having a purpose, ect.). It also goes against the anthropocentric belief of humans dominating, controlling, and surpassing everything on earth, including death. Nonconformists are highly threatening to high-ranking, powerful humans, due to the greater difficulty of manipulating, controlling, dominating, and utilizing nonconformists. If suicide and euthanasia were legal, easily accessible, and socially acceptable, countless "useful" humans would be lost, leading to societal collapses, and in turn, human extinction.

To counteract and prevent these issues, the most powerful authority figures, organizations, and influencers employ various means of social control, including laws, religion, trends, traditions, media, "education", forced medical treatment, and other rewards and punishments. Suicide prevention and life preservation also puts up the angelic façade of them being compassionate, caring, and empathetic, further bolstering their ego, image, worth, and value. This results in the majority revoking and rejecting a suicidal individual's social status, income, employment, privileges, rewards, credibility, rights, welfare, worth, and value. Humans already lacking in social status, wealth, utility, and/or conformity are also attacked and abandoned, diminishing their quality of life and survival; and increasing their chances of suicide. Of course, both scenarios can, and do, occur for many unfortunate recipients.

You've explained this so well. Society is terrible and I hate the thought of having to make my existence acceptable for the majority. Thank you for explaining this; it has opened my eyes to how the world affects me no matter how hard I fight back.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. Being stuck in a psych ward is my worst nightmare and I know it would just make me feel much worse. I do not see how one could possibly be helpful in any way. From what I have heard there is not much difference between them and prisons. I wish society would allow us a right to die, a peaceful exit on our own terms. It is cruel to expect people to suffer for decades. It is our life and our decision. I wish you the best.

Thank you for the kind words. As I said before, the nightmare is a common one for a lot of us on this site. I have never been to prison but I would not be surprised if it were extremely common to a psych ward. I wish you all the best too <3

 

[Journeytoletgo]

It saddens me to no ends reading about these horrific stories of human coldness and cruelty what have we achieved as a species? Nothing just this hollow industrial corporate control world which only exist to give comfortable life to the selected few lucky enough to get born to rich or powerful parents, whereas a person who has suffered so much in life and just wants the pain to end has to begged and cry infront of the cold hearted monkeys to not get locked up just because the person dared to try leave this vicious cycle of dread pain and suffering, humans have themselves taken the role of "monsters" worse and more cruel than most authors could think or imagine off.

I agree it's inhumane. And people look at you crazy when you choose to CTB.