I dont understand I have never had any therapy nor antidepressants but despite being suicidal I am still very functional

[FireFox]

I have been suicidal since the age of 21 and was diagnosed with moderate depression-. I tried to access therapy under the NHS but I struggled to get a successful referral to be on the waiting list and my area is known to have the worst NHS mental health care hospital waiting times and care so I gave up. I can not afford to see a private therapist. I have never been on any antidepressants. My family tell me antidepressants are "addictive" so I was always scared to try them.

Despite being suicidal throughout my 20s I managed to graduate university, travelling around the world, have fun, have good relationships with those around me but still I want to die.Most people in my life see me as this happy outspoken confident outgoing person. I can not relete to most depression sufferers because I am very functional.

 

[peace_van]

Similar here, I think I have experienced depression three times but I never visited a psychiatrist. I don't think they can truly understand me by some brief talks. Also at least now I reject any psychotropic drugs (unless for the one-way ctb), just like I reject alcohol because I don't want physical substances to interfere with my mentality. Actually I deny the pathological definition of mental 'diseases'. They are just a sort of mental conditions- someone wants to treat them, some may not. I want to hold and preserve my mentality, even though others may consider it 'ill'.

My depression was very real and mid-to-severe 5 years ago when I was in university. I could hardly do anything, just sleep, knock my head on the table, cry, walk along a river and imagine jumping into it. Physical pain was real in my head and muscles. But I still managed through and graduated (bc the courseload was light and I only needed to spend 3 hours per week to narrowly escape fail), and things changed magically after that. The situation that caused my depression was gone, so I recovered.

But it was a temporary recovery. When I was caught in a similar situation 2 years ago, depression came again. The symptoms were not as severe as the first time, but I was more firm on suicide. I analyzed my personality just to find out I cannot get along with anyone and I don't belong to this world. I set a checkpoint for myself- if things didn't turn good by that point, I would go ctb. I practiced tying a suicide knot with my belt during quarantine. But again magically something good happened.

Now, it's the third time it strikes me. I don't think luck will come to me a third time. My functionality isn't severely impaired as my suicidal ideation becomes more real. I can still work to seek a temporary solution, but no more push, no more desperation. By the last two experiences, I understand relationships, academic/career successes are just placebos for me, they will all be gone, the true 'problem' is always alive in my mind. Nothing external can change that. I'm always a stranger that my surrounding ones do not accept, or, my mind cannot adapt to become someone according to their will. My mind also cannot be based on mindlessly living for myself, ignoring others. CTB is the only ultimate solution.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I definitely think there are 'high functioning' suicidal people out there. I'm not immune to having fun either. I have two degrees and have moved around the country for different jobs. I've done stressful Head of Department jobs. I once obtained the diagnosis of mild to moderate depression and I'd say- if that was correct, I've pretty much always had it. I just think some people get used to having these thoughts and living with them.

I think to some extent also- it depends on whether they can just fall apart. Are they fiancially supported by others, or are they expected to support themselves? What expectations in general have been placed on them? Either by others or, by themselves? Of course- it depends on the severity of that person's struggles. It's not to say there aren't some people who suffer with mental illnesses so badly that it prevents them from functioning. When it comes to depression though- I think loads of people live with it. 1 in 3 people at my friends workplace is on antidepressants! I feel similarly to you though. I did go on one course of Fluoexetine (Prozac) but it didn't seem to do anything. I don't trust drugs though- or psychiatrists. I don't think they even really know how they work. I don't fancy being a guinea pig for rich pharmaceutical companies.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

My family tell me antidepressants are "addictive" so I was always scared to try them.

That's not true in the slightest. People can feel stuck on them if the tapering process is too uncomfortable but they're not addictive drugs.

Personally in my eyes I find you guys fortunate. I was thrust into the MH system at a very young age which didn't do me a drop of good. It would have been to be able to avoid that.

To be honest I think functionally depressed people are the norm when it comes to depression. Being severely debilitated and impaired by it is the exception.