frommolecules2stars
Born, survive, reproduce, die.
- Dec 23, 2024
- 85
She's helped me all of my life and taken care of me. Helped me transition when I was a minor and still guides me through the legal processes. She still helps me with just living in terms of cleaning up after me and making sure I do what I need to do to just survive (I would be what you call severely depressed to the point I cannot take care of myself).
But I know she views me as a burden. Because she wants to fix me, and she has realized there really is no way.
At least, that's what she would say when I actually communicated how I was feeling with her. I don't do that anymore.
Multiple times she threatened to give me up for adoption or to my abusive bio father if I was so depressed and unhappy with her "if that was the only way to fix this." When I bring up those instances she said she never actually meant it. She also threatened to throw me in the mental hospital multiple times despite knowing they wouldn't allow me to continue taking my hormones.
Now that I'm older and I rely on drugs, she uses that against me whenever I have mental breakdowns that I show to her. It's only happened once in the past couple of months. I don't plan on doing that again.
It was when all of that legislation came out about HRT and other healthcare for 19 year olds and under. I'm only 18. I needed comfort so I went to my mom. Asked her if I could skip this semester of school. She refused and said I would "only get worse" and if all I did was just sit around in the house, playing video games and getting high then she would kick me out. If I didn't have a job or get an education, she would be done with me.
A human being she created out of her own will and choice. Once I showed that I could not be fixed, or more accurately, would not pretend that I was functional, she would throw me out for being a leech.
I tried to reason with her, tried to explain how it felt to have such a debilitating medical condition in which most of the world views you as a predator for having and wants you to suffer. That the hate against trans people is so normalized that whenever a trans person is killed people celebrate it online. She just told me, "Danger is everywhere. Violence is everywhere. People get murdered all the time. You just have to deal with it, there is no other choice."
I said, "There is another choice." But of course I couldn't go past that or else she would threaten to throw me in the psych ward again.
That was the turning point for me, especially after I had to leave my abusive ex for hating me for being so dysphoric and "mentally ill." I learned that I couldn't express my true emotions and thoughts to others. That I had to put on an act, a way to behave to make sure I wouldn't be imprisoned or kicked out. And more importantly, I had to do all of these things not to be ostracized.
Alienation. That's the feeling I've felt for these past years. And it's only increased. I've been hardened. Stopped caring for other people. Stopped believing in morality. Stopped believing in meaning.
And I refuse to share these things with other people. Even my online friends. Why? I stopped feeling shame and guilt whenever people would get uncomfortable with all of these thoughts, but I still choose to keep it to myself. Only in my own best self interest. And that's maintaining the perfect conditions where I can CTB in peace, with no one to stop me. I cannot afford to land myself in a situation where people think I am a danger to myself or have different thoughts on what this world has to offer.
I'm so lonely. I only have my boyfriend for comfort. He's the only one who is pro-choice in this matter and supports my decisions. I don't want to hurt him. But I can't live like this anymore.
Fuck anyone else who says they "care" about me.
But I know she views me as a burden. Because she wants to fix me, and she has realized there really is no way.
At least, that's what she would say when I actually communicated how I was feeling with her. I don't do that anymore.
Multiple times she threatened to give me up for adoption or to my abusive bio father if I was so depressed and unhappy with her "if that was the only way to fix this." When I bring up those instances she said she never actually meant it. She also threatened to throw me in the mental hospital multiple times despite knowing they wouldn't allow me to continue taking my hormones.
Now that I'm older and I rely on drugs, she uses that against me whenever I have mental breakdowns that I show to her. It's only happened once in the past couple of months. I don't plan on doing that again.
It was when all of that legislation came out about HRT and other healthcare for 19 year olds and under. I'm only 18. I needed comfort so I went to my mom. Asked her if I could skip this semester of school. She refused and said I would "only get worse" and if all I did was just sit around in the house, playing video games and getting high then she would kick me out. If I didn't have a job or get an education, she would be done with me.
A human being she created out of her own will and choice. Once I showed that I could not be fixed, or more accurately, would not pretend that I was functional, she would throw me out for being a leech.
I tried to reason with her, tried to explain how it felt to have such a debilitating medical condition in which most of the world views you as a predator for having and wants you to suffer. That the hate against trans people is so normalized that whenever a trans person is killed people celebrate it online. She just told me, "Danger is everywhere. Violence is everywhere. People get murdered all the time. You just have to deal with it, there is no other choice."
I said, "There is another choice." But of course I couldn't go past that or else she would threaten to throw me in the psych ward again.
That was the turning point for me, especially after I had to leave my abusive ex for hating me for being so dysphoric and "mentally ill." I learned that I couldn't express my true emotions and thoughts to others. That I had to put on an act, a way to behave to make sure I wouldn't be imprisoned or kicked out. And more importantly, I had to do all of these things not to be ostracized.
Alienation. That's the feeling I've felt for these past years. And it's only increased. I've been hardened. Stopped caring for other people. Stopped believing in morality. Stopped believing in meaning.
And I refuse to share these things with other people. Even my online friends. Why? I stopped feeling shame and guilt whenever people would get uncomfortable with all of these thoughts, but I still choose to keep it to myself. Only in my own best self interest. And that's maintaining the perfect conditions where I can CTB in peace, with no one to stop me. I cannot afford to land myself in a situation where people think I am a danger to myself or have different thoughts on what this world has to offer.
I'm so lonely. I only have my boyfriend for comfort. He's the only one who is pro-choice in this matter and supports my decisions. I don't want to hurt him. But I can't live like this anymore.
Fuck anyone else who says they "care" about me.
