Venting I Don’t Think My Family Likes Me

[hexesandcurses]

I have never posted any venting because I have a deep fear of being humiliated for my feelings but also don't want to be babied so typically I just stay away from venting in order to avoid embarrassment. But this place seems so genuine and I figured a lot of people won't see it anyway.

This sounds weird but while I know my family LOVES me, I don't think they LIKE me.

I've always been an annoying child. I was loud and thought I was smarter than everyone else, a real pain in the ass for my parents, who were teenagers and already didn't want me. As I grew up, I mellowed out but only after some harsh reality checks. I'm still annoying but more reeled in. Now I'm an adult and realize just how awful I've been. I'm the oldest of six and the for a long time have played third parent which makes my siblings resent me, but if I try to go against that then my parents resent me. I was forced out of my home with my mom and step dad due to fight we had involving me wanting to stay with them after high school rather than moving out and now I'm so afraid of conflict resulting in being abandoned that I'll do anything to please people, including sometimes being mean to my siblings, which is horrible and I feel awful for, especially since I'm now an adult and should know better.

I also have so much anger inside me that it scares me. And lately my younger brother (12) has been exhibited very similar behavior to me at that age and it makes me so mad because I feel like I failed him but it also irritates me because I would have done anything to grow up in the environment he's in rather than how I grew up, taking care of my clinically bipolar mother and absent military step father. They're also trans/nonbinary and I have a hard time understanding them sometimes but do my best to support them but if I even slightly upset them he will tell me I hate him and it hurts me so much because I know I'm cruel but I'm trying so hard to be better.

I don't know if I can be better, though. I am truly afraid I will just get worse as I get older. So I am thinking of ctb as a means to stop hurting those I love and to find some peace before I become unforgivable.

I'm sorry for the long post and the melodramatic whining. I just feel very alone and do not want to share this with anyone close to me and worry them. Thank you for listening, I appreciate this site and it's openness.

If anyone else wants to talk or share their own experiences feel free to use this thread to do so.

 

[Pluto]

This sounds like a very difficult and tumultuous situation. But there is a name for what you've been through which may be helpful: parentification.

Parentification: What Is a Parentified Child?

Parentification can have long-term effects. Fortunately, healing is possible.

www.healthline.com

You've been placed in inappropriate roles by incapable parents and it has affected your own mental wellbeing and sense of appropriate boundaries.

The sense of dramatic love/hate relationships is a typical trait of dysfunctional families. People might simultaneously care about one another and yet take out aggression on one another. If the situation crosses a line, it can be worth disconnecting from the family entirely.

Hopefully you are able to find your own space with nobody draining you of energy. They all have to walk their own pathways and your life has to be about you.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot and I cannot imagine how hard it must be. I hope that you are able to find relief from your suffering in whatever happens, best wishes.

 

[hexesandcurses]

This sounds like a very difficult and tumultuous situation. But there is a name for what you've been through which may be helpful: parentification.

Parentification: What Is a Parentified Child?

Parentification can have long-term effects. Fortunately, healing is possible.

www.healthline.com

You've been placed in inappropriate roles by incapable parents and it has affected your own mental wellbeing and sense of appropriate boundaries.

The sense of dramatic love/hate relationships is a typical trait of dysfunctional families. People might simultaneously care about one another and yet take out aggression on one another. If the situation crosses a line, it can be worth disconnecting from the family entirely.

Hopefully you are able to find your own space with nobody draining you of energy. They all have to walk their own pathways and your life has to be about you.

Thank you so much for this message! I looked more into parentification and it's been helping me figure out what I'm feeling and why.

I have spent a long time feeling responsible for everyone else and to hear you tell me that my life has to be about me meant a lot and got me emotional, as silly as it sounds. I really appreciate your kind words and your wanting to help me understand my situation better. Thank you, again!

It sounds like you have been through a lot and I cannot imagine how hard it must be. I hope that you are able to find relief from your suffering in whatever happens, best wishes.

Thank you so much! I appreciate your kindness. Sometimes I get caught up in all the pain that I forget how nice people truly are, these messages show me that. I wish the best for you too!

 

[Pluto]

Happy to hear you are ready to start prioritising your own needs! It will be a game-changer. Let me know if I can help any further. :)