Help I don't think I'm ready to die

[tooStupidForExitBag]

I thought I was ready, but as I sat there with the exit bag filling up with argon I became extremely nervous.


My current situation:
I'm 21/M. I have considered suicide on and off ever since I was around 10 (don't remember exact age). For my entire life I have been a loner. I have had friends, but these were "school" friends, we never hung out outside of school. I have a really hard time socializing one on one, so I always resorted to finding a group where I blended in (but never actually got to know them well). This however changed when I got into university. I have a lot more close friends and we actually hang out after school. I however only have one friend that I could hang out with one on one without it being extremely awkward. Recently I (because of my personality) betrayed this friends trust, to the point where we can no longer be friends. Honestly I don't even want to make amends, I will apologize, but I don't want to repair our relationship (because my personality hasn't changed). This was the catalyst which made me seriously think about suicide, but it is not the only reason. It made me realize that I really don't like myself as a person. Even if I can become happy by external means (hobbies, friends, love life), I feel like I will never find inner happiness, I will never like myself. This feeling of hating myself has been internalized for over 10 years, I don't know how to make it go away.


I however still see a small glimpse of hope. I have a loving family, and my university life has showed me that I can get close friends. Since I betrayed my closest friend I however don't see how I could continue on my current path, I can't go back to university. I literally only have one course left until I get my bachelors, but I feel like I can't even finish that in my current mental state. My only remaining option, besides suicide, is to quit university and start working straight away. I however don't see how this would bring me happiness (I would put myself in a situation that is worse than before), but I still feel a tiny bit of hope that I would eventually become happy. The idea of continuing to live feels just as scary as dying, perhaps even scarier. I would have to uproot my entire life. I also feel like I would have to talk to my family about my suicidal thoughts which ironically scares me to death as well. I really don't know what to do. What if I continue living for 10 more years, just to realize that I still hate myself and still want to die? I really thought I was ready to die, there was no doubt in my mind until literally the last second.

Sorry if my text doesn't make sense, I'm drunk and emotional.

 

[HereToday]

If you're not 100% sure and ready, then give it more time. You can always ctb later, but can't come back from it. The fact that you still have hope as well as a loving family are good signs. Friendships don't last forever sadly, and there will always be arguments and fall outs. I wouldn't let that stop you from going to class. I dropped out of uni last year and feel like a complete failure going nowhere in life. You're almost at the finish line, I highly advise sticking with it. Uni will not only open more doors for you, but also give you a sense of pride and achievement. If you really can't bring yourself to continue, I'd suggest taking a break in studies and going back next year, rather than dropping out for good. In the meantime you could try therapy, why not, you have nothing to lose.

If you don't feel ready, it's not your time yet. Suicide will always be there, I'd definitely try recovery first

 

[Bruce 7881]

I thought I was ready, but as I sat there with the exit bag filling up with argon I became extremely nervous.


My current situation:
I'm 21/M. I have considered suicide on and off ever since I was around 10 (don't remember exact age). For my entire life I have been a loner. I have had friends, but these were "school" friends, we never hung out outside of school. I have a really hard time socializing one on one, so I always resorted to finding a group where I blended in (but never actually got to know them well). This however changed when I got into university. I have a lot more close friends and we actually hang out after school. I however only have one friend that I could hang out with one on one without it being extremely awkward. Recently I (because of my personality) betrayed this friends trust, to the point where we can no longer be friends. Honestly I don't even want to make amends, I will apologize, but I don't want to repair our relationship (because my personality hasn't changed). This was the catalyst which made me seriously think about suicide, but it is not the only reason. It made me realize that I really don't like myself as a person. Even if I can become happy by external means (hobbies, friends, love life), I feel like I will never find inner happiness, I will never like myself. This feeling of hating myself has been internalized for over 10 years, I don't know how to make it go away.


I however still see a small glimpse of hope. I have a loving family, and my university life has showed me that I can get close friends. Since I betrayed my closest friend I however don't see how I could continue on my current path, I can't go back to university. I literally only have one course left until I get my bachelors, but I feel like I can't even finish that in my current mental state. My only remaining option, besides suicide, is to quit university and start working straight away. I however don't see how this would bring me happiness (I would put myself in a situation that is worse than before), but I still feel a tiny bit of hope that I would eventually become happy. The idea of continuing to live feels just as scary as dying, perhaps even scarier. I would have to uproot my entire life. I also feel like I would have to talk to my family about my suicidal thoughts which ironically scares me to death as well. I really don't know what to do. What if I continue living for 10 more years, just to realize that I still hate myself and still want to die? I really thought I was ready to die, there was no doubt in my mind until literally the last second.

Sorry if my text doesn't make sense, I'm drunk and emotional.

Have you thought about pact

 

[tooStupidForExitBag]

If you're not 100% sure and ready, then give it more time. You can always ctb later, but can't come back from it. The fact that you still have hope as well as a loving family are good signs. Friendships don't last forever sadly, and there will always be arguments and fall outs. I wouldn't let that stop you from going to class. I dropped out of uni last year and feel like a complete failure going nowhere in life. You're almost at the finish line, I highly advise sticking with it. Uni will not only open more doors for you, but also give you a sense of pride and achievement. If you really can't bring yourself to continue, I'd suggest taking a break in studies and going back next year, rather than dropping out for good. In the meantime you could try therapy, why not, you have nothing to lose.

If you don't feel ready, it's not your time yet. Suicide will always be there, I'd definitely try recovery first

Thanks for the reply. I feel like going on living is also a really big decision so I've decided to take a bit more time to really think about what I want to do.

Have you thought about pact

Don't think a pact is for me, once I do it I want to be able to ease into it in my own pace

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Never do anything if you're not 100% sure. Its a good thing you have people around who love you. If you ever decide it's your time... Dead is patient

 

[ManWithNoName]

I thought I was ready, but as I sat there with the exit bag filling up with argon I became extremely nervous.


My current situation:
I really thought I was ready to die, there was no doubt in my mind until literally the last second.

Sorry if my text doesn't make sense, I'm drunk and emotional.

Glad to always hear this from anyone here. Recovery is something to thoroughly explore first.

Have you thought about pact

A pact for ctb, to be honest does not sound right. When one makes a pact, it's making an agreement, and with regards to self deliverance, the decision to not carry out ctb should be allowed at any time, including the last millisecond.