Story I don't think I'm going to make it.

[GarageKarate07]

I have been wanting to die for a long long time. Since probly 12 is when I realized I had feelings of the possibility and the want to take myself out of the picture. I'm 40 now. My birthday is near before the end of March. My health is gone. I have suffered through trauma after trauma. My brain has a fog that has destroyed my happiness. I have nobody here. I've been without any family or friends or even communication from them for months and basically years before that. They know I am in a horrible spot and depressed and alone. A person I loved left me. My son died a few years ago. I'm on unemployment (in fact its gone now). I can't afford the apartment my lover left me in. I'm depressed and mentally distraught. I have anxiety. They know all of this and still don't call or check or visit. I have no circle of friends to visit with. I have not seen a person to talk to them for ages. Like nobody! I think all the events are a sign to just pass on. I feel I did this on purpose to escape this place by giving myself an open door. I stopped talking to them. I never got closure for the abuse that my mother ignored. It ruined me for life. I think deep inside I chased them all away even this newest person that I loved and was so lucky to have. I think it's my time to go. I have gathered many methods and put work into them because there is nobody to stop me. I don't see how it can work out from here and I don't want to be here and I'm very very ill. I have no more capacity for managing myself mentally like decision making and emotions and communication. I know most of this was caused by my own actions. I'm just thinking it's time. I saw what I wanted to and good or bad I am now in the end. 40 years and I'm ready to go. What does that say about this place? I know and have mentioned there are children here who CTB and people older than I am. There are so many types of people here and the one thing they have in common is they all want and do CTB. I have made steps to try and start again. I might get a job but my mind for I leaves me so dysfunctional I don't think that's a possibility. I went to group today but that didnt help either. I can't communicate with people very well. My heart just hurts. Like my emotions and my heart and my mind just ache. I see homeless and sick or crazy people and I just want to cry. I tried to get into a group for grieving parents and I'm still working on that. I have nobody to litarally fucking hold me so I can just cry. We've all seen this same story on here again and again. What type of fucking animals are we? It's not just my pain that hurts me it's the pain and sadness of others that makes me so sad because I can't help and there isn't any help and everybody just walks right by. I'm trying just like many of us here but im pretty sure I'm done soon. I'm out of hope and I don't see any possibility of a foothold from here.

 

[fred farkle]

My feeling is that I encourage people to keep trying. Me,I expect to ctb before summer has run its course. I dont want another winter!
It just seems you are reaching out,looking for encouragement to keep fighting.
Whatever your choice,I hope you find peace.

 

[Makko]

Helping others implies you have excess resources (time, emotions, money) that you are able and willing to give away without expecting a direct repayment. Modern society doesn't work like that. All resources are rationed which means everything has to be transactional. Once the "helpful" types give away their rations they end up with nothing, and who wants to be around someone who has nothing?

 

[GarageKarate07]

Helping others implies you have excess resources (time, emotions, money) that you are able and willing to give away without expecting a direct repayment. Modern society doesn't work like that. All resources are rationed which means everything has to be transactional. Once the "helpful" types give away their rations they end up with nothing, and who wants to be around someone who has nothing?

I think I get what you are saying. But I'm not sure. Explain It a little differently.

 

[Sherri]

I'm sorry for all your pain and suffering. Hugs Garage

 

[Makko]

I think I get what you are saying. But I'm not sure. Explain It a little differently.

You say that you're upset because people don't help each other. This has the underlying assumption that people, by default, owe each other help. I'm saying that they don't. They are under no obligation to give away what little they have to themselves. It's self-destructive to base your well-being on the expectation of free stuff.

 

[GarageKarate07]

You say that you're upset because people don't help each other. This has the underlying assumption that people, by default, owe each other help. I'm saying that they don't. They are under no obligation to give away what little they have to themselves. It's self-destructive to base your well-being on the expectation of free stuff.

I disagree a little. Helping is a choice. It can be a choice. We have been taught to make the choice to not help. This is a learned behavior. People do not owe each other help. However for the world to change that idea needs to change as well. It's the right thing to do. Helping everyone carry the burden is the correct way to have a strong society. Helping make sure we are all safe is wealth. Greed and fear and fearlessness makes people walk by while others suffer.