wasted0906
I'll try to make the sky prettier
- Feb 17, 2025
- 3
Well, this is my first time posting something here. I'm still figuring out how this works. I don't expect anyone to read all of this—I just need to get this off my chest. At first, I was planning to write a venting-style post, but I thought it wouldn't make much sense if I didn't give any context. So, here's a "little" background about me:
•19-year-old male, native language: Spanish
So there might be grammar errors :c
I remember feeling this way since I was, like, 3 years old? I still remember when I was in pre-kindergarten, lol. At the beginning, it wasn't sadness just confusion.
My parents have always been the kind of couple who argue over anything since I can remember. I can't tell if this is normal or toxic, but the thing is, they used to argue in front of me, and if they realized what they were doing was wrong, they would send me to my bedroom. It didn't make much sense because I could still hear them yelling and screaming.
My mother is the kind of person who always likes to be right—whatever she says or does is correct. On the other hand, my father is more explosive; if something is not of his liking he would say it loudly. It's not all bad; they also have their good sides. Both of them are hardworking and take care of the family. (Until I turned 7, it was just my parents, my grandma, and me.) At least one thing I can say is that they invested in my education, even when we were struggling financially. It is like a double-edged relationship with them.
Because of all the arguing—whether it was between my mom and dad, my dad and grandma (his mother), or even my mom and grandma—there was always tension in the house. Everyone was fighting over something, including me. I felt overwhelmed by all of it, and year by year, I started to lose trust in them. I became a shy person.
I used to be an extroverted kid; I had no problem making new friends. But because of my parents, I grew up being problematic.
In elementary school, I tended to get into trouble. I wouldn't obey my teachers and bother my classmates. I think that is why they dislike me. Maybe I had friends, but during recess, I had no one to talk to or play with, so I wandered around the playground.
This is when I started to feel like I didn't belong anywhere—like I could talk to my group of friends, but I didn't feel like I was really part of them. If I was invited to a party or something, it was mainly because my mother was friends with my classmates' mothers.
Due to my problematic behavior, I had to switch to a different school. It was a private school, but my parents had trouble paying for it. Because of my behavior, I was given an ultimatum at my school, and that was what led to the final decision to transfer me.
But it was the same—I kept acting out, and as a result, I had no friends (no real ones). I guess I deserved it, so I couldn't blame them.
I became an introverted person, as the years passed by. I lost interest in making new friends. Mostly because for some reason my classmates started to create rumors or even creating fake accounts on Instagram just to talk shit, not about me but between them. So why would I want to be friends with them lol. Obviously, not everyone was like that but yeah.
That was at school, but at home it was not better at all. As I grew up, I got use to my parents fighting—kinda.
Eventually, I got tired of that and started to just shut myself in my bedroom. I think it is my safe place. My house is a toxic place, they could be a lovely family, caring and kind. But didn't know how to manage communication and emotions. If something wasn't of their like they would say it not nicely. :v
My grandma couldn't walk, she could barely go to the bathroom. But if she managed to go downstairs, she would find something to criticize. I clearly remember having lunch with my mom and my grandma joined us. I don't exactly remember what happened. I only remember my grandma mumbling, reproaching about something to my mom, and I was there. Between the two of them, fighting.
That was my childhood, always in the middle of the fight.
I still remember that time we (my parents and I) were arguing, I don't actually remember the reason, but they asked what was going on. They asked me why I didn't want to spend time with the family or why I couldn't get out of my bed and do the chores in the house. I didn't feel sadness at the time it was most like anger. It was like if all of that was normal, arguing and yelling all the time.
This was not the first time that they asked me that and it was not the first time I answered "because of you". I told them "I grew up with both of you arguing. This is what you get after all those years. I don't want to spend time with you, I feel uncomfortable." Even though I told them that they kept asking why. I felt so frustrated.
I don't remember the year exactly. My parents told me I was going to have a sister. (I was about 9 or 10? At that time I already had a sister) I broke down in tears, it wasn't tears of happiness but of sadness, I felt so dissapointed. Why would my parents want a other child when they are struggling with two. It doesn't make sense. Raise another child in a toxic environment? Are they that blind they cannot see that?
But something happened. My parents didn't tell me what was happening. They only told me my mother was bleeding. We rushed to the hospital. Fast forward: my sister had a heart complication and died. The doctor forced the birth, and she died after about 3 days.
When my parents told me that she died I didn't feel anything. It was strange, I recall feeling uncomfortable. I saw their faces as expecting me to cry or something. My relatives were there and saying the same "sorry for your lost". I wanted to say so bad "I don't care at all" I couldn't feel anything. I was more worried about my classes than if my sister died. Maybe deep inside me I felt relief she won't be living wih this family, this toxic family.
My mother was terribly sad (I don't like to use the word depression, makes me feel like I'm diagnosing without being a doctor or smtg. I just don't like to use that word). Naturally, it affected all of us. But guess what, THEY WANT ANOTHER CHILD. My question was, Are you replacing my sister that died? You want a child so you don't feel the emptiness of losing a child? Why? We know better and you should not worry, they said. :/
The way they make choices made me lose the respect for them. All of that happened in middle school.
At some point my parent made me notice the way I was treating everyone around me. The way I speak to them, like in a defensive way. It wasn't on purpose, now that I think about it, maybe it was because I am so use to argue in my house. Soon I realize I dagf about nobody, even my parents. And this toxic thinking just kept growing.
During the pandemic, we got the news my grandma had cancer. Fast forward, in her last moments, in her deathbed. I remember my dad holdng his tears and my mom letting her tears drop. My dad was calling my aunt, to hurry and be by my grandma's side. She didn't make it in time. I don't know what was she doing, something with the hospital and my grandma (paperwork ig). All I could do was looking at my parents.
I was more intrigued with the sound my grandma was making, the sound of her lungs failing and her whole body shutting down. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't cry not because I didn't want to but because I just didn't feel any sadness. I just saw someone die in front of my eyes. Am I broken? I was more worried to get back to my class (at the time my classes were via google meets).
When the lockdown was finally over the reality punch me in the face. I had nobody. I was on my own. I mean I had friends to talk over superficial things, but if they made plans to hang out or similar I wasn't even mention. What can I do but accept reality. These are the consequences of my actions. It would be great if something warned you when you are about to screw it all. (
This action will have consequences... iykyk)
And that is how it was going. I met friends along the way, via discord or the university (mostly discord lol). But I didn't felt part of the group. Even if they invite me to hang out or play with them I couldn't resist but think "I don't belong here".
Every time I meet someone I always wonder how long is it going to last until we stop talking. I think is easier for me because I am a man and we could stop talking for years and if we reconnect we can still talk like nothing happened. Something good about being a man ig.
Now, I have met new people, new friends, but this feeling of not belonging persist. I cannot control it but to dgaf about anyone, it is nothing personal. It doesn't matter how well they treat me or how kind they are. I just think it all gonna disappear at any moment. And it happens, I self sabotage with these ideas or they just got tired of me. It has sense to me. It is boring being in company with someone who is in constant negative attitude.
It is a cycle; I meet new people, we are all getting along, I think it is too good to be true and I don't belong there, I isolate myself from everyone, they stop talking to me, I'm left alone.
So, do I have a valid reason to feel this way? Now that I have written all of this it even feels more lame than before. Why would I feel like this when I have the opportunity to move on. It is like if I'm stuck. For me life is like a tv series of bad experiences with short ads of joy and happiness. But then I reflect in a more logical way. What I am doing is not worth it. I am my own obstacle and every time I try to overcome it I self-sabotage.
People out there have a worse life than me. Then I feel worse than before, I am complaining over a lame reason. And the cycles continue. What I'am experiencing is deserved. These are the consequences of my actions. There is no valid reason for me to feel so down.
Thinking about CTB feels like an appropriate punishment and relief at the same time. I have nothing to live for. I don't expect to accomplish anything. I have no motivation to do anything. Everything happening is deserved. So what am I waiting for. I only wanted to write this just to feel like I am being heard, before I CTB. So there it goes, that's my story ig.
I'm sorry for posting something so extensive, and thank you for your time if you read it. (I have probably omitted something without noticing.)
•19-year-old male, native language: Spanish
So there might be grammar errors :c
I remember feeling this way since I was, like, 3 years old? I still remember when I was in pre-kindergarten, lol. At the beginning, it wasn't sadness just confusion.
My parents have always been the kind of couple who argue over anything since I can remember. I can't tell if this is normal or toxic, but the thing is, they used to argue in front of me, and if they realized what they were doing was wrong, they would send me to my bedroom. It didn't make much sense because I could still hear them yelling and screaming.
My mother is the kind of person who always likes to be right—whatever she says or does is correct. On the other hand, my father is more explosive; if something is not of his liking he would say it loudly. It's not all bad; they also have their good sides. Both of them are hardworking and take care of the family. (Until I turned 7, it was just my parents, my grandma, and me.) At least one thing I can say is that they invested in my education, even when we were struggling financially. It is like a double-edged relationship with them.
Because of all the arguing—whether it was between my mom and dad, my dad and grandma (his mother), or even my mom and grandma—there was always tension in the house. Everyone was fighting over something, including me. I felt overwhelmed by all of it, and year by year, I started to lose trust in them. I became a shy person.
I used to be an extroverted kid; I had no problem making new friends. But because of my parents, I grew up being problematic.
In elementary school, I tended to get into trouble. I wouldn't obey my teachers and bother my classmates. I think that is why they dislike me. Maybe I had friends, but during recess, I had no one to talk to or play with, so I wandered around the playground.
This is when I started to feel like I didn't belong anywhere—like I could talk to my group of friends, but I didn't feel like I was really part of them. If I was invited to a party or something, it was mainly because my mother was friends with my classmates' mothers.
Due to my problematic behavior, I had to switch to a different school. It was a private school, but my parents had trouble paying for it. Because of my behavior, I was given an ultimatum at my school, and that was what led to the final decision to transfer me.
But it was the same—I kept acting out, and as a result, I had no friends (no real ones). I guess I deserved it, so I couldn't blame them.
I became an introverted person, as the years passed by. I lost interest in making new friends. Mostly because for some reason my classmates started to create rumors or even creating fake accounts on Instagram just to talk shit, not about me but between them. So why would I want to be friends with them lol. Obviously, not everyone was like that but yeah.
That was at school, but at home it was not better at all. As I grew up, I got use to my parents fighting—kinda.
Eventually, I got tired of that and started to just shut myself in my bedroom. I think it is my safe place. My house is a toxic place, they could be a lovely family, caring and kind. But didn't know how to manage communication and emotions. If something wasn't of their like they would say it not nicely. :v
My grandma couldn't walk, she could barely go to the bathroom. But if she managed to go downstairs, she would find something to criticize. I clearly remember having lunch with my mom and my grandma joined us. I don't exactly remember what happened. I only remember my grandma mumbling, reproaching about something to my mom, and I was there. Between the two of them, fighting.
That was my childhood, always in the middle of the fight.
I still remember that time we (my parents and I) were arguing, I don't actually remember the reason, but they asked what was going on. They asked me why I didn't want to spend time with the family or why I couldn't get out of my bed and do the chores in the house. I didn't feel sadness at the time it was most like anger. It was like if all of that was normal, arguing and yelling all the time.
This was not the first time that they asked me that and it was not the first time I answered "because of you". I told them "I grew up with both of you arguing. This is what you get after all those years. I don't want to spend time with you, I feel uncomfortable." Even though I told them that they kept asking why. I felt so frustrated.
I don't remember the year exactly. My parents told me I was going to have a sister. (I was about 9 or 10? At that time I already had a sister) I broke down in tears, it wasn't tears of happiness but of sadness, I felt so dissapointed. Why would my parents want a other child when they are struggling with two. It doesn't make sense. Raise another child in a toxic environment? Are they that blind they cannot see that?
But something happened. My parents didn't tell me what was happening. They only told me my mother was bleeding. We rushed to the hospital. Fast forward: my sister had a heart complication and died. The doctor forced the birth, and she died after about 3 days.
When my parents told me that she died I didn't feel anything. It was strange, I recall feeling uncomfortable. I saw their faces as expecting me to cry or something. My relatives were there and saying the same "sorry for your lost". I wanted to say so bad "I don't care at all" I couldn't feel anything. I was more worried about my classes than if my sister died. Maybe deep inside me I felt relief she won't be living wih this family, this toxic family.
My mother was terribly sad (I don't like to use the word depression, makes me feel like I'm diagnosing without being a doctor or smtg. I just don't like to use that word). Naturally, it affected all of us. But guess what, THEY WANT ANOTHER CHILD. My question was, Are you replacing my sister that died? You want a child so you don't feel the emptiness of losing a child? Why? We know better and you should not worry, they said. :/
The way they make choices made me lose the respect for them. All of that happened in middle school.
At some point my parent made me notice the way I was treating everyone around me. The way I speak to them, like in a defensive way. It wasn't on purpose, now that I think about it, maybe it was because I am so use to argue in my house. Soon I realize I dagf about nobody, even my parents. And this toxic thinking just kept growing.
During the pandemic, we got the news my grandma had cancer. Fast forward, in her last moments, in her deathbed. I remember my dad holdng his tears and my mom letting her tears drop. My dad was calling my aunt, to hurry and be by my grandma's side. She didn't make it in time. I don't know what was she doing, something with the hospital and my grandma (paperwork ig). All I could do was looking at my parents.
I was more intrigued with the sound my grandma was making, the sound of her lungs failing and her whole body shutting down. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't cry not because I didn't want to but because I just didn't feel any sadness. I just saw someone die in front of my eyes. Am I broken? I was more worried to get back to my class (at the time my classes were via google meets).
When the lockdown was finally over the reality punch me in the face. I had nobody. I was on my own. I mean I had friends to talk over superficial things, but if they made plans to hang out or similar I wasn't even mention. What can I do but accept reality. These are the consequences of my actions. It would be great if something warned you when you are about to screw it all. (
This action will have consequences... iykyk) And that is how it was going. I met friends along the way, via discord or the university (mostly discord lol). But I didn't felt part of the group. Even if they invite me to hang out or play with them I couldn't resist but think "I don't belong here".
Every time I meet someone I always wonder how long is it going to last until we stop talking. I think is easier for me because I am a man and we could stop talking for years and if we reconnect we can still talk like nothing happened. Something good about being a man ig.
Now, I have met new people, new friends, but this feeling of not belonging persist. I cannot control it but to dgaf about anyone, it is nothing personal. It doesn't matter how well they treat me or how kind they are. I just think it all gonna disappear at any moment. And it happens, I self sabotage with these ideas or they just got tired of me. It has sense to me. It is boring being in company with someone who is in constant negative attitude.
It is a cycle; I meet new people, we are all getting along, I think it is too good to be true and I don't belong there, I isolate myself from everyone, they stop talking to me, I'm left alone.
So, do I have a valid reason to feel this way? Now that I have written all of this it even feels more lame than before. Why would I feel like this when I have the opportunity to move on. It is like if I'm stuck. For me life is like a tv series of bad experiences with short ads of joy and happiness. But then I reflect in a more logical way. What I am doing is not worth it. I am my own obstacle and every time I try to overcome it I self-sabotage.
People out there have a worse life than me. Then I feel worse than before, I am complaining over a lame reason. And the cycles continue. What I'am experiencing is deserved. These are the consequences of my actions. There is no valid reason for me to feel so down.
Thinking about CTB feels like an appropriate punishment and relief at the same time. I have nothing to live for. I don't expect to accomplish anything. I have no motivation to do anything. Everything happening is deserved. So what am I waiting for. I only wanted to write this just to feel like I am being heard, before I CTB. So there it goes, that's my story ig.
I'm sorry for posting something so extensive, and thank you for your time if you read it. (I have probably omitted something without noticing.)
