Venting I don't think I could hate anything more than I hate myself.

[Dazai Disciple]

I am so fucking sick of myself and the things that I do over and over again knowing that they are wrong. I'm in my 20s and have shit to show for it. I can't stay away from pills, I have to borrow money from my elderly grandma constantly just to stay afloat, I'm an emotional/financial burden on my significant other. I've never despised anything in this world the way that I despise myself. I don't want to fucking be here anymore, but I don't want to pass trauma to the ones that still actually love me. My dad died from suicide when I was pretty much just turning 20, and I still haven't gotten over it. I really don't want to pass that grief onto others, but man...I'm fucking tired. I don't think I'll ever fix myself no matter how hard I try. Good things make me sad, because all I can focus on is the fact that they are fleeting and that everyone will leave me. I can't handle bad things, because I have the emotional control of a baby. I can't handle neutral moments, because I'm always bracing for chaos. I'M LITERALLY NEVER HAPPY AND I CAN'T FUCKING STAND IT. I want to get married and have a happy family, but I truly don't believe I am capable of getting there. I can't even hold a fucking customer service job.

 

[flightlessbutterfly]

Firstly, have a virtual hug if you're comfortable with screentime affection.
Secondly, I can't comment on your situation nor can I even try to imagine what pain you are feeling constantly. But what I can do is offer a little bit of a rant and possibly advice? Probably not.

I'm not religious, by any means, I don't believe in god or omnipotence. What I do believe in is self ability (very Buddhist of me editing this for grammar mistakes.), the fact that you're still standing because you refuse to give others the grief you felt is both extremely courageous and extremely selfless and right now, that's not something you need. Hating yourself is completely normal, heck if I say fine sometimes because it's just how you internalise your feelings of grief, and even if nothing gets truly better in your life, try to at least find the smallest bit of comfort in things to keep yourself sane. Don't hate yourself for not improving, don't hate yourself for almost or completely giving up.

Right now, just stay focused on the present. Anything you can do to raise your mood even a little, do it. There's nothing really you can loss at this point, might as well take a step back from the race and breathe. You might not feel better or even feel like wanting to just slip away, but you're grounded in what you can do right now, no worries about the future or about your fate. At the very least, you have one person on this miserable life willing to stop and give your thoughts an ear.

 

[Dazai Disciple]

Firstly, have a virtual hug if you're comfortable with screentime affection.
Secondly, I can't comment on your situation nor can I even try to imagine what pain you are feeling constantly. But what I can do is offer a little bit of a rant and possibly advice? Probably not.

I'm not religious, by any means, I don't believe in god or omnipotence. What I do believe in is self ability (very Buddhist of me editing this for grammar mistakes.), the fact that you're still standing because you refuse to give others the grief you felt is both extremely courageous and extremely selfless and right now, that's not something you need. Hating yourself is completely normal, heck if I say fine sometimes because it's just how you internalise your feelings of grief, and even if nothing gets truly better in your life, try to at least find the smallest bit of comfort in things to keep yourself sane. Don't hate yourself for not improving, don't hate yourself for almost or completely giving up.

Right now, just stay focused on the present. Anything you can do to raise your mood even a little, do it. There's nothing really you can loss at this point, might as well take a step back from the race and breathe. You might not feel better or even feel like wanting to just slip away, but you're grounded in what you can do right now, no worries about the future or about your fate. At the very least, you have one person on this miserable life willing to stop and give your thoughts an ear.

This was such a beautiful response. Thank you so much.

 

[lalaland2345]

I just want to say I love you , that you will be okay. The first step is realizing what's wrong , and working towards fixing it . Have you spoken up about how you feel to your significant other and/or your grandma? If my bf came to me and said this, I would work with him to figure something out , to help him.

Please don't be afraid to ask for help. We all have such large ego's and contemplate CTB instead of speaking about how we actually feel. I promise you'd be doing a favor to all those around, and to yourself, if you spoke up.

I want you here on this planet and I know those around you do as well. I'm not sure where you're from but if in the US please look into Kratom!!! So so helpful for people getting off drugs and pills - all natural leaf from Asia . In my state, it's legal but others it may be difficult (sometimes you can drive right over the border to another state and grab some).

I'm wishing you all the best. Please know you are strong , you've stayed and fought for so long - just keep going . You got this okay? Sending all my love .

 

[MrDarkness]

The best way I can put it is life is a gamble their is a chance it could get better but also a chance it could get worse, there is no shame in calling quits I wanna call quits, I hope your life turns around and your able to find peace within yourself

 

[mathiessi]

thx for your kind message , it helped me too ;) u made me cry in the good way.

Firstly, have a virtual hug if you're comfortable with screentime affection.
Secondly, I can't comment on your situation nor can I even try to imagine what pain you are feeling constantly. But what I can do is offer a little bit of a rant and possibly advice? Probably not.

I'm not religious, by any means, I don't believe in god or omnipotence. What I do believe in is self ability (very Buddhist of me editing this for grammar mistakes.), the fact that you're still standing because you refuse to give others the grief you felt is both extremely courageous and extremely selfless and right now, that's not something you need. Hating yourself is completely normal, heck if I say fine sometimes because it's just how you internalise your feelings of grief, and even if nothing gets truly better in your life, try to at least find the smallest bit of comfort in things to keep yourself sane. Don't hate yourself for not improving, don't hate yourself for almost or completely giving up.

Right now, just stay focused on the present. Anything you can do to raise your mood even a little, do it. There's nothing really you can loss at this point, might as well take a step back from the race and breathe. You might not feel better or even feel like wanting to just slip away, but you're grounded in what you can do right now, no worries about the future or about your fate. At the very least, you have one person on this miserable life willing to stop and give your thoughts an ear.