Venting i don't think i can go for much longer

[rosieunmaskd]

I don't know if i want to CTB. Recently suicide is all i've been able to think about, sometimes i find myself wishing something would happen that resulted in my death and every thought is about ways i could and when the best time for me to CTB would be. I suffer with BPD and have severe anxiety as well as depression and i tend to go through waves and episodes of being suicidal but each time i go through one, the urge is stronger and stronger and my impulse control has not been improving. I do yoga daily, practice DBT, eat as well as i can, I have good grades in school and i take pretty good care of myself so you'd assume i'm doing okay. I'm not. Despite allllll of my efforts and all the energy and time i put into trying to better my quality of life and mental health, this shit is unfortunately for life and it's really frustrating knowing no matter what i do, or how much i do, im always going to be struggling. The thing is, i want to live. I want to experience life fully and live it out just as all my peers are. There's things i care about and want to be around for, and to witness. I wish it could just be that easy. Everything has lost value to me, i don't care. About anything. I try to live my life and every second thought is about bashing my head, slitting my neck, blowing my brains out, ODing, the exit bag, just anything that has to do with ending my life. It's only my dad, brother and I at home so 90% of the time i'm left alone completely. my relationship with either of them is not very close. We're all just kinda people who live together. I have 2 best friends but both of them have other friends that they're just as close with. I would talk to them but i don't like to open up, it's useless and i won't be understood. Neither of them deserve to carry the weight of my pain either. Their bags are already pretty full. I've talked to councillors and psychiatrists and doctors but they all tell me the same useless bullshit i've tried. (when i attended) I would often leave appointments more frustrated and unwell than i was prior to the appointment. Everything fucking sucks and i'm so so tired. My dad is aware of (A VERY SMALL PORTION OF) my issues. ie: self harm, body image. I haven't told him about my suicidal tendencies and ideations, he doesn't know how much suffering i'm really going through, but when he found out about my self harm he removed most objects i could use to harm myself and/or use to end my life, out from the house. He doesn't keep pills (other than advil) in the house anymore either. It's the most annoying thing ever but i'm also grateful. The only thing keeping me going is the hope that maybe there's a reason for this. My suffering must have a purpose. I must end up rewarded, for all of this upheaval and unnecessary pain would've been for nothing. what a tragedy that would be. Ive just gotten worse and worse. I'm spiralling. i dont know if i want to CTB but i know i will. It's inevitable. I can feel myself nearing the edge every day, the weight of everything is growing and i'm not strong enough to hold it.

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

I wish the answer was clear on what's best to do. Unfortunately that is a very difficult battle that all of us here face. I hope you find peace soon in whatever way is best.

Also welcome to the community I hope you'll enjoy it here.

 

[rosieunmaskd]

Do you feel like you've been "damned" to this kind of life? I do. I can relate to every word you said, the only different thing is I'm not diagnosed with BPD. I've thought about suicide the entire day yesterday. It's a relief to some extent knowing someone feels the same things you do. I hope you can find peace, no matter how

i really do feel damned. I'm sorry you can relate and i hope your situation improves, or you find your peace. Breathing is a little easier knowing i'm not alone in this agonizing journey.

 

[Yaffle]

Hello and welcome.

I totally empathise with the intrusive thoughts, mine are always there too.

The standout statement in your post is "I want to live", you may like to consider also posting on the Recovery board.

Of course we want you to come here too and vent all you need to; we'll all listen and support you, but there might be some further assistance for you on the Recovery board from others who want to live.

Again, welcome to SaSu.

 

[rosieunmaskd]

I wish the answer was clear on what's best to do. Unfortunately that is a very difficult battle that all of us here face. I hope you find peace soon in whatever way is best.

Also welcome to the community I hope you'll enjoy it here.

Thank you for the kind words. I've been lurking around here for a little while, made myself quite comfy and familiar with this place.

Hello and welcome.

I totally empathise with the intrusive thoughts, mine are always there too.

The standout statement in your post is "I want to live", you may like to consider also posting on the Recovery board.

Of course we want you to come here too and vent all you need to; we'll all listen and support you, but there might be some further assistance for you on the Recovery board from others who want to live.

Again, welcome to SaSu.

Hi and Thank you!

Perhaps I should've provided more context. I want to live to experience and be but i do not wish to live as me. No matter what, my perspective and experience in life will always be dreadful and grievous because of the fact that i am me and i cannot change that. I mean i want to live in the way that others get to live.

 

[Yaffle]

.

Hi and Thank you!

Perhaps I should've provided more context. I want to live to experience and be but i do not wish to live as me. No matter what, my perspective and experience in life will always be dreadful and grievous because of the fact that i am me and i cannot change that. I mean i want to live in the way that others get to live.

This I 100% empathise with. I feel I'm always watching everyone else living their best lives but I don't get to join in.

May I ask how old you are?

 

[Unknown21]

I don't know if I wanna ctb or not as well but unfortunately I need it so bad, I'm poor, live in third world country and autistic, have social anxiety and mentally ill bc of childhood abuse.
I live all my life for planning to my escape.
It's been 7 months since I decided to ctb, I spend all my time on searching and collecting money for the SN method.
But I'm afraid to fail and ruin my life.