I really recommend you to seek for help.
Prescribed drugs can help you a lot with what you are passing through life. So, you need to make a appointment with a psychiatrist.
If you are lucky, you are going to find drugs that can really help with what you described.
As a 45yo, take this as a life advice, there is still time for you, to recover, find someone, be happy but it will requires you to try.
When you realize you are too old to make your dreams come true, it's very sad and paintful, i'm not talking about being a millionare, for me what just having a person, a woman that i really loved and having a familly. It's not self-pitty... sometimes things dont go the way you want.
You're still so new and young, I really hope you can pass through this and carry on with your life.