Venting I don't really want to die but deep down I know it's the only solution

[thouxan]

The reason that my life is so fucked up is high functioning autism. My entire life I have suffered due to being different. Social interaction has always been an unsolvable puzzle for me. I always wondered why it seemed so difficult for me, my brain just couldn't seem to process it. I saw all the other kids interact normally with each other like it's second nature, while I was sat alone hoping I could be like them one day.

I wasted all of my teen years in isolation. I always dreamed of teen love and friendships, going out to social events and feeling a sense of belonging like everyone else. But it is just not in my control. I have tried to the best of my ability to copy others' behavior and mannerisms to seem normal but to no avail. Even my best efforts are not enough. I have just been rejected or quietly abandoned by my peers. To make things worse, I am a closeted gay in a homophobic country. The only way I could possibly find a romantic partner is through dating apps. And I have made my attempts. The texting stage always goes well, they are excited to meet me (probably because I know how to take good misleading pictures of myself as well). Then when we actually meet, it never goes anywhere. It gets progressively more awkward as I run out of things to talk about, and by the end of the date I am stressed af. Obviously they never want to meet again, I would do the same in their position.

Another lovely fact about me is that I have learned to mask my symptoms well over the years, so to most other people I don't seem autistic, just weird, awkward and boring. And with that comes the added benefit of people not believing me or thinking I am pretending when I open up about my autism. I just suffer the symptoms quietly by myself, while others assume I am just lazy or weak and that I could improve my life but choose not to. And the fact that I am high functioning and have above average IQ makes me extremely self aware, so I cannot be fooled that living like this is worth it no matter what empty words they tell me.

Autism is not something that can be cured. If you want, you can spend $$$$ running to therapists and psychiatrists over the years to attempt to mask your symptoms so you can function in society, or temporarily ignore the problem. But autism doesn't just go away. The brain is just wired that way. No amount of therapy or medications is truly satisfying enough. You are just trying to treat a problem that has no real cure, and there are limitations to that. The goal of therapy is to teach you how to go against your natural instincts, to fundamentally change your true self, so you can attempt to live in a world that is clearly not made for you. Bullshitting yourself and masking will never be even remotely as good as the real thing. And fuck this new movement where people keep parroting that "autism is a superpower". It is a massive curse. What is the point of having above average IQ and being good at problem solving and spotting patterns, if literally every other aspect of my life is shit.

I truly see the good things in life. I can see why neurotypical people demonize suicide and assume that everyone's life is beautiful and worth living. And I just wish I could be like them. At this point my depression has gotten so severe that I literally cannot enjoy anything in life. I am like an emotionless zombie just wasting away in my bed 24 hours per day. If I was born in the exact same body, with the same people around me, but I was neurotypical, I strongly believe that I would love my life a lot. Even being gay, I wish that was my biggest problem. Because compared to autism it's a fucking breeze. It's not really anyone's fault that I am suffering so much. This world just isn't made for me.

 

[SilentSadness]

That sounds terrible for you, I hope you make the right decision. You don't deserve this curse.

 

[Deo volente]

The reason that my life is so fucked up is high functioning autism. My entire life I have suffered due to being different. Social interaction has always been an unsolvable puzzle for me. I always wondered why it seemed so difficult for me, my brain just couldn't seem to process it. I saw all the other kids interact normally with each other like it's second nature, while I was sat alone hoping I could be like them one day.

I wasted all of my teen years in isolation. I always dreamed of teen love and friendships, going out to social events and feeling a sense of belonging like everyone else. But it is just not in my control. I have tried to the best of my ability to copy others' behavior and mannerisms to seem normal but to no avail. Even my best efforts are not enough. I have just been rejected or quietly abandoned by my peers. To make things worse, I am a closeted gay in a homophobic country. The only way I could possibly find a romantic partner is through dating apps. And I have made my attempts. The texting stage always goes well, they are excited to meet me (probably because I know how to take good misleading pictures of myself as well). Then when we actually meet, it never goes anywhere. It gets progressively more awkward as I run out of things to talk about, and by the end of the date I am stressed af. Obviously they never want to meet again, I would do the same in their position.

Another lovely fact about me is that I have learned to mask my symptoms well over the years, so to most other people I don't seem autistic, just weird, awkward and boring. And with that comes the added benefit of people not believing me or thinking I am pretending when I open up about my autism. I just suffer the symptoms quietly by myself, while others assume I am just lazy or weak and that I could improve my life but choose not to. And the fact that I am high functioning and have above average IQ makes me extremely self aware, so I cannot be fooled that living like this is worth it no matter what empty words they tell me.

Autism is not something that can be cured. If you want, you can spend $$$$ running to therapists and psychiatrists over the years to attempt to mask your symptoms so you can function in society, or temporarily ignore the problem. But autism doesn't just go away. The brain is just wired that way. No amount of therapy or medications is truly satisfying enough. You are just trying to treat a problem that has no real cure, and there are limitations to that. The goal of therapy is to teach you how to go against your natural instincts, to fundamentally change your true self, so you can attempt to live in a world that is clearly not made for you. Bullshitting yourself and masking will never be even remotely as good as the real thing. And fuck this new movement where people keep parroting that "autism is a superpower". It is a massive curse. What is the point of having above average IQ and being good at problem solving and spotting patterns, if literally every other aspect of my life is shit.

Wow are you me??? Besides living in an accepting country for the most part.

The gay and ASD thing is such a joke to people but it really does make life so strange and complicated and, at the end of the day, totally abject. One of the only people I ever hookup with once thought I was on drugs cause I guess I act strange to him. I never been drunk or high on anything my whole life but all through school people ask me "are you high?" I guess cause I just seem high? Probably just depression. It's honestly funny. Most people have no idea what it's like and will never be able to relate to you or you to them.

And I just wish I could be like them. At this point my depression has gotten so severe that I literally cannot enjoy anything in life. I am like an emotionless zombie just wasting away in my bed 24 hours per day. If I was born in the exact same body, with the same people around me, but I was neurotypical, I strongly believe that I would love my life a lot. Even being gay, I wish that was my biggest problem. Because compared to autism it's a fucking breeze. It's not really anyone's fault that I am suffering so much. This world just isn't made for me.

I used to think this way but, I feel like as I get older, the social isolation and misunderstanding gets easier to handle for some reason. By now in mid-twenties I have a good idea about who I am and what the world is and I see the systems of civilization as the problematic part of the equation that generates such debased and desolate conditions for, in this way, like people.

A big question is if you can find or create a piece of the world that is made for you. I think one might not even have to change that much in order to improve a lot for themselves. I want to see if any progress can be made on that before I go. It's really interesting the think about.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel so bad for you. It's awful for any of us when we try so hard in life but keep getting knocked down. Maybe this is a stupid suggestion- but- are there any support or friendship groups for people with autism in your area? I don't know if such things exist but out of interest- is it any easier to get along with other people with autism? Kind of like- maybe you'd both understand how difficult it can be- so- give more time to one another.

 

[darklight442]

Hi there, I read your post and what you said resonated with me. I too am on the spectrum and also suffer from ADHD/Depression. I really relate about how you feel different and that you don't fit in with everyone else. I feel that too and like I've wasted my teen years in isolation as well, I don't really have any friends to call up or hangout with, I spend most of my time in bed as well and I feel lost and misunderstood by the people I love in my life. I relate to what you said about trying to copy and act like the people I interact with, my main focus in conversations is how my body langauge, tone of voice, and what to say next is. I grew up very high functioning as well and have always gotten straight A's in school and been an over achiever in academics. However, I slip under the radar because I put on a role to the people I interact with. Deep down we just want love from people, and wanting that is normal. The world is cruel to those who aren't neurotypical and expect us to mold and shape ourselves into something we weren't destined to be. The problem is not that we have autism, or depression ADHD whatever it maybe, the problem is that we've let the people who have let us down in our lives make us think theirs something wrong with us. There's many nights I contemplate whether there's a point to any of this if everyday feels the same and how i feel like no one is interested in me or truly understands how I feel, but when I read what you wrote it makes me feel a little less alone. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're very brave to be who you are in the world and even though you have not been treated kindly, there is nothing wrong with you and nothing needs to be changed. I hope you get through these times and I wish you luck

 

[thouxan]

Yea I got the "Are you high?" comments as well. And I am so fucking done with rejection, both from potential friends and romantic partners, that I just don't try anymore. On my last few dates I put in my absolute best effort, I thought my performance was good enough, but they clearly thought otherwise. It's like I emit an aura of uneasiness and unlikeability that they can pick up on subconsciously, no matter how normal I try to act. And tbh the gay dating scene is fucked up in itself for many reasons, especially in homophobic countries, so even if I wasn't autistic I would probably still face a lot of difficulties in that department.

A big question is if you can find or create a piece of the world that is made for you. I think one might not even have to change that much in order to improve a lot for themselves. I want to see if any progress can be made on that before I go. It's really interesting the think about.

In my honest opinion that is just vague and unrealistic wishful thinking, the type that therapists try to promote. There is no way this world will somehow morph into a satisfying and accepting place for autistic people within our lifetimes, especially in less developed countries. Social skills are undoubtedly the most important thing if you want to live a successful and satisfying life. You can still be successful as an autistic person in the sense of having a good career, but how much is that worth if you are isolated and don't even have things to spend all the money on. We will keep facing social challenges that neurotypicals never even consider, because it just comes so naturally to them.

I am still trying to kind of half ass entertain the idea of a fulfilling future life despite my autism, but I fear I am too self aware to truly have hope

 

[BringMeToLife]

I really hate that I relate to you so much

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

theres a reason why studies show that autists are 10x as likely to CTB than neurotypicals. its fucking hell on earth thats why.

I really hate that I relate to you so much

me too

 

[thouxan]

Hi there, I read your post and what you said resonated with me. I too am on the spectrum and also suffer from ADHD/Depression. I really relate about how you feel different and that you don't fit in with everyone else. I feel that too and like I've wasted my teen years in isolation as well, I don't really have any friends to call up or hangout with, I spend most of my time in bed as well and I feel lost and misunderstood by the people I love in my life. I relate to what you said about trying to copy and act like the people I interact with, my main focus in conversations is how my body langauge, tone of voice, and what to say next is. I grew up very high functioning as well and have always gotten straight A's in school and been an over achiever in academics. However, I slip under the radar because I put on a role to the people I interact with. Deep down we just want love from people, and wanting that is normal. The world is cruel to those who aren't neurotypical and expect us to mold and shape ourselves into something we weren't destined to be. The problem is not that we have autism, or depression ADHD whatever it maybe, the problem is that we've let the people who have let us down in our lives make us think theirs something wrong with us. There's many nights I contemplate whether there's a point to any of this if everyday feels the same and how i feel like no one is interested in me or truly understands how I feel, but when I read what you wrote it makes me feel a little less alone. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're very brave to be who you are in the world and even though you have not been treated kindly, there is nothing wrong with you and nothing needs to be changed. I hope you get through these times and I wish you luck

Thank you for the kind comments. It really helps me feel validated and a little less alone as well to see other people like me. But sadly I don't really have any hope for the future. This is a lifelong condition. And there is a reason autistic people are so much more suicidal than neurotypicals. In fact I would think less of someone if they realized that they have autism and DIDN'T contemplate suicide. It is a very logical conclusion after the suffering we go through in this world that isn't made for us in the slightest.

And I don't blame anyone for rejecting me either. I would totally do the same in their shoes. Why would I, hypothetically, as a neurotypical person, want to befriend or date a boring, awkward, autistic guy with an average looking face at best, when there are so many other fun people out there I could surround myself with. You would have to be really desperate or be autistic yourself to stoop down that low when there are much better options.

 

[William01]

The reason that my life is so fucked up is high functioning autism. My entire life I have suffered due to being different. Social interaction has always been an unsolvable puzzle for me. I always wondered why it seemed so difficult for me, my brain just couldn't seem to process it. I saw all the other kids interact normally with each other like it's second nature, while I was sat alone hoping I could be like them one day.

I wasted all of my teen years in isolation. I always dreamed of teen love and friendships, going out to social events and feeling a sense of belonging like everyone else. But it is just not in my control. I have tried to the best of my ability to copy others' behavior and mannerisms to seem normal but to no avail. Even my best efforts are not enough. I have just been rejected or quietly abandoned by my peers. To make things worse, I am a closeted gay in a homophobic country. The only way I could possibly find a romantic partner is through dating apps. And I have made my attempts. The texting stage always goes well, they are excited to meet me (probably because I know how to take good misleading pictures of myself as well). Then when we actually meet, it never goes anywhere. It gets progressively more awkward as I run out of things to talk about, and by the end of the date I am stressed af. Obviously they never want to meet again, I would do the same in their position.

Another lovely fact about me is that I have learned to mask my symptoms well over the years, so to most other people I don't seem autistic, just weird, awkward and boring. And with that comes the added benefit of people not believing me or thinking I am pretending when I open up about my autism. I just suffer the symptoms quietly by myself, while others assume I am just lazy or weak and that I could improve my life but choose not to. And the fact that I am high functioning and have above average IQ makes me extremely self aware, so I cannot be fooled that living like this is worth it no matter what empty words they tell me.

Autism is not something that can be cured. If you want, you can spend $$$$ running to therapists and psychiatrists over the years to attempt to mask your symptoms so you can function in society, or temporarily ignore the problem. But autism doesn't just go away. The brain is just wired that way. No amount of therapy or medications is truly satisfying enough. You are just trying to treat a problem that has no real cure, and there are limitations to that. The goal of therapy is to teach you how to go against your natural instincts, to fundamentally change your true self, so you can attempt to live in a world that is clearly not made for you. Bullshitting yourself and masking will never be even remotely as good as the real thing. And fuck this new movement where people keep parroting that "autism is a superpower". It is a massive curse. What is the point of having above average IQ and being good at problem solving and spotting patterns, if literally every other aspect of my life is shit.

I truly see the good things in life. I can see why neurotypical people demonize suicide and assume that everyone's life is beautiful and worth living. And I just wish I could be like them. At this point my depression has gotten so severe that I literally cannot enjoy anything in life. I am like an emotionless zombie just wasting away in my bed 24 hours per day. If I was born in the exact same body, with the same people around me, but I was neurotypical, I strongly believe that I would love my life a lot. Even being gay, I wish that was my biggest problem. Because compared to autism it's a fucking breeze. It's not really anyone's fault that I am suffering so much. This world just isn't made for me.

I can relate so much to your story that it was heartbreaking reading it. I got diagnosed with Autism last year. I knows what it's like always feeling on the outside, studying other people's behaviour and trying to copy it to feel be normal. Force yourself into a group of ppl and try talk normally, about normal things and coming up with good comeback speeches... never worked out for me. Being rejected by ppl, especially those small few who you meet that seem different. It's so heartbreaking!!


B4 I was diagnosed I was made medically retired from work. Ppl thought me weird, for hating changes to routine and being uncomfortable with uncertainty. I can also relate to that feeling being a teenager and thinking to myself "everything will fall into place" when it's not like that.

I have SN. I am getting affairs in order and trying to emotionally prepare myself to try beat SI which is strong.

 

[thouxan]

I can relate so much to your story that it was heartbreaking reading it. I got diagnosed with Autism last year. I knows what it's like always feeling on the outside, studying other people's behaviour and trying to copy it to feel be normal. Force yourself into a group of ppl and try talk normally, about normal things and coming up with good comeback speeches... never worked out for me. Being rejected by ppl, especially those small few who you meet that seem different. It's so heartbreaking!!


B4 I was diagnosed I was made medically retired from work. Ppl thought me weird, for hating changes to routine and being uncomfortable with uncertainty. I can also relate to that feeling being a teenager and thinking to myself "everything will fall into place" when it's not like that.

I have SN. I am getting affairs in order and trying to emotionally prepare myself to try beat SI which is strong.

I wish you the best of luck friend. I will probably go down the same path in the future, no amount of empty words can convince me that this life is worth living.

 

[jessisme]

The reason that my life is so fucked up is high functioning autism. My entire life I have suffered due to being different. Social interaction has always been an unsolvable puzzle for me. I always wondered why it seemed so difficult for me, my brain just couldn't seem to process it. I saw all the other kids interact normally with each other like it's second nature, while I was sat alone hoping I could be like them one day.

I wasted all of my teen years in isolation. I always dreamed of teen love and friendships, going out to social events and feeling a sense of belonging like everyone else. But it is just not in my control. I have tried to the best of my ability to copy others' behavior and mannerisms to seem normal but to no avail. Even my best efforts are not enough. I have just been rejected or quietly abandoned by my peers. To make things worse, I am a closeted gay in a homophobic country. The only way I could possibly find a romantic partner is through dating apps. And I have made my attempts. The texting stage always goes well, they are excited to meet me (probably because I know how to take good misleading pictures of myself as well). Then when we actually meet, it never goes anywhere. It gets progressively more awkward as I run out of things to talk about, and by the end of the date I am stressed af. Obviously they never want to meet again, I would do the same in their position.

Another lovely fact about me is that I have learned to mask my symptoms well over the years, so to most other people I don't seem autistic, just weird, awkward and boring. And with that comes the added benefit of people not believing me or thinking I am pretending when I open up about my autism. I just suffer the symptoms quietly by myself, while others assume I am just lazy or weak and that I could improve my life but choose not to. And the fact that I am high functioning and have above average IQ makes me extremely self aware, so I cannot be fooled that living like this is worth it no matter what empty words they tell me.

Autism is not something that can be cured. If you want, you can spend $$$$ running to therapists and psychiatrists over the years to attempt to mask your symptoms so you can function in society, or temporarily ignore the problem. But autism doesn't just go away. The brain is just wired that way. No amount of therapy or medications is truly satisfying enough. You are just trying to treat a problem that has no real cure, and there are limitations to that. The goal of therapy is to teach you how to go against your natural instincts, to fundamentally change your true self, so you can attempt to live in a world that is clearly not made for you. Bullshitting yourself and masking will never be even remotely as good as the real thing. And fuck this new movement where people keep parroting that "autism is a superpower". It is a massive curse. What is the point of having above average IQ and being good at problem solving and spotting patterns, if literally every other aspect of my life is shit.

I truly see the good things in life. I can see why neurotypical people demonize suicide and assume that everyone's life is beautiful and worth living. And I just wish I could be like them. At this point my depression has gotten so severe that I literally cannot enjoy anything in life. I am like an emotionless zombie just wasting away in my bed 24 hours per day. If I was born in the exact same body, with the same people around me, but I was neurotypical, I strongly believe that I would love my life a lot. Even being gay, I wish that was my biggest problem. Because compared to autism it's a fucking breeze. It's not really anyone's fault that I am suffering so much. This world just isn't made for me.

I'm sorry you feel this way about your life and about your future. Have you been diagnosed with autism or did you come to this conclusion yourself?

 

[thouxan]

I'm sorry you feel this way about your life and about your future. Have you been diagnosed with autism or did you come to this conclusion yourself?

I have not been officially diagnosed. I only came to the conclusion myself this past year. I always felt different, something was always off with my brain. But I was in denial for many years even though I knew deep down that something was wrong with me. Trust me I tried my hardest to avoid admitting it to myself to save my ego. But there is no point in denying my autism anymore. I have spent a lot of time researching about high functioning autism and reading about the experiences of other people like me (including many adults who went undiagnosed and only realised it later in life) and I can perfectly relate to them and almost all of the symptoms. Everything suddenly started to make sense. There was an explanation for the way I have been feeling my entire life.
I know people are hesitant to trust others who self-diagnose but I personally am 100% confident about my condition.

I didn't realize it sooner because I am very high functioning, so even though I was weird, shy and awkward as a child and displayed several other autistic behaviors it didn't raise enough flags for people around me to think there is something wrong with me. They assumed I would just grow out of it.

I don't see the point of seeking an official diagnosis. My country is a bit backwards when it comes to things like this so it is a fairly taboo topic, no test is truly accurate and considering I have learned to mask quite well around others over the years there is a good possibility they would give me a false negative.

 

[FuneralCry]

The way that I see it autistic people certainly aren't meant for this world, at least I'm not, I have autism and I've never wished to exist here at all. But I just think that therapy is a complete scam anyway, it cannot change the fact that this world is filled with unnecessary and inevitable suffering, therapy is just a way to make a profit. But it must be hard to deal with not really wanting to die but feeling like you have no choice, life really is so unnecessarily cruel.

 

[looking_for_peace]

I'm in the same boat as you, but fortunately I live in a more liberal country. the loneliness is horrible though. I don't want to die. I feel horrible and guilty for wanting to ctb because of the effect it will have on my family, but the world was not built for people like us. I don't even mind being gay, I just wish I was neurotypical. being rejected by society hurts a hell of a lot more than any bigotry I've experienced as a result of my sexuality

 

[thouxan]

I'm in the same boat as you, but fortunately I live in a more liberal country. the loneliness is horrible though. I don't want to die. I feel horrible and guilty for wanting to ctb because of the effect it will have on my family, but the world was not built for people like us. I don't even mind being gay, I just wish I was neurotypical. being rejected by society hurts a hell of a lot more than any bigotry I've experienced as a result of my sexuality

Completely agree. I don't really mind being gay at all, it comes with its own unique set of challenges in homophobic countries but it really is not that bad. I have met a lot of neurotypical young gay guys on dating apps and they still manage to have a normal and fulfilling social life, they just have to hide their sexuality from homophobic people in case they receive hateful comments and ridicule but other than that they are perfectly normal and happy functioning members of society. And being neurotypical and social by nature they can easily find open minded friends to be around who accept them as they are. They are not forced to keep homophobic "friends" around just because they have no one else. I personally completely accepted my sexuality as soon as I realised that I was gay and I easily learned to love that about myself. I never once felt disgusted with myself or wished that I was straight. But with autism it is the complete opposite. It truly makes life hell and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is so extremely unfair that I was cursed with this disorder and I would do anything to become neurotypical and enjoy life. It may come as a surprise but if I could start over with life and choose my own attributes, I wouldn't even change my sexuality. I would only erase the autism. And maybe make myself a little prettier ngl

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I feel. Half this fucking forum feels you. It saddens me to know what life could've been without this shit condition because as things are I would have preferred to not be brought here.

 

[darklight442]

Thank you for the kind comments. It really helps me feel validated and a little less alone as well to see other people like me. But sadly I don't really have any hope for the future. This is a lifelong condition. And there is a reason autistic people are so much more suicidal than neurotypicals. In fact I would think less of someone if they realized that they have autism and DIDN'T contemplate suicide. It is a very logical conclusion after the suffering we go through in this world that isn't made for us in the slightest.

And I don't blame anyone for rejecting me either. I would totally do the same in their shoes. Why would I, hypothetically, as a neurotypical person, want to befriend or date a boring, awkward, autistic guy with an average looking face at best, when there are so many other fun people out there I could surround myself with. You would have to be really desperate or be autistic yourself to stoop down that low when there are much better options.

I hear you and I hope one day you can think better of yourself. It makes me sad reading that this is how you feel. My dad has autism and I don't think less of him that he doesn't think of suicide, I think he is inspiring because he didn't let his disability control his life and has been able to find his place in the world and be happy. There are many autistic people who are amazing and I think you may think less of those with autism compared to neurotypical people. Just because you have a disability doesn't mean you're automatically less then and should expect poor treatment. How we think about our disabilities and struggles really affects our opinions and views and can skew them around a bit. Keep your head up

 

[MildlyBetter]

Autism is horrible, the worst part for me is I am socially aware enough to know I am being "annoying" or "off-putting" to people, but I'm not aware enough to fix it. Everything is just so isolating and I feel like the friends I do have barely even like me, and honestly, I don't blame them. I see people say they love their autism or neurodivergence or whatever and god I wish I could be like them, but I just can't. You are right in saying it's a curse, very apt way to put it.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I feel this, I'm also high functioning I haven't had an IQ test but I assume I'm above average since I do have a lot of the common themes that come with that. It's an absolute hell, people "like" autism but don't know the pain and inability to do simple things. People ask me for help with emotions and I just can't help, like what can I even say? Compassion is so much harder than I can describe - the most I can do is a "how are you?". I can't understand others for the life of me.

It's a burden - a curse. It's an invisible killer, I've never known a life outside it and didn't get help in my childhood despite it being so obvious to anyone who knows about it. Literally every sign and I wasn't helped - I sought support and was humiliated, it's the same now and it's so hard since I can't understand. Anxiety is a pain too since it's pretty common with it.

I was always that weird kid, super shy and asocial. It's just a pain in the ass. It's like I can't put my thoughts and feelings into words like I'm not fluent in english. I don't even know if I'm liked, hated or anything between. The anxiety of not finding social cues and not realizing I'm the joke is horrible.

 

[nosoul]

theres a reason why studies show that autists are 10x as likely to CTB than neurotypicals. its fucking hell on earth thats why.

me too

Bipolar is up there, the mania destroys lives.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I really relate to this post. I have a lot of problems but I honestly could trace most of them back to how my autistic brain works. I certainly don't think I would have fixated on suicide so strongly even if my life was hard as a neurotypical person.

 

[nosoul]

Exactly for me, my health declining and I can't talk to people or watch shows anymore

 

[Archness]

I'm kinda the exact opposite with most autists in this thread. Got support since early childhood and alot of it. People where generally forgiving and tried not to bully, and be nice. I was born in a really supportive place, but ultimately my defect brain couldn't be fixed. People liked me, sure; but friendships where typically "We regularly interact in a not-negative manner". I guess some people and I had something going on, but I guess something in my brain's just too defective cuz it inevitably fizzled out, failed, or otherwise ceased to be when circumstances changed... Not to mention I was still a bit off and weird ofc; But as as long as I masked and kept my eyes closed it was comfortable.

When it comes to being in a society, I could just about work and survive, but otherwise it'd be all a facade. I don't even have a gift or whatever "superpower" autist status should've given me.

It's an invisible killer

Organisms that are defective etc die out. I'm an example of humans propping something up that should've fallen apart. Now rotting from the inside and melting; because autism has no cure.

 

[BrutalWorldNot4me]

I'm kinda the exact opposite with most autists in this thread. Got support since early childhood and alot of it. People where generally forgiving and tried not to bully, and be nice. I was born in a really supportive place, but ultimately my defect brain couldn't be fixed. People liked me, sure; but friendships where typically "We regularly interact in a not-negative manner". I guess some people and I had something going on, but I guess something in my brain's just too defective cuz it inevitably fizzled out, failed, or otherwise ceased to be when circumstances changed... Not to mention I was still a bit off and weird ofc; But as as long as I masked and kept my eyes closed it was comfortable.

When it comes to being in a society, I could just about work and survive, but otherwise it'd be all a facade. I don't even have a gift or whatever "superpower" autist status should've given me.


Organisms that are defective etc die out. I'm an example of humans propping something up that should've fallen apart. Now rotting from the inside and melting; because autism has no cure.

The organisms are defect part resonates too much, on a scary level. I was born 6 weeks early and grew up to have 4 mental disorders, (ADHD, Mild autism, Sensory Processing Disorder and Generalized Mood Disorder). As a child, even I hate my existence. I remember trying to run into oncoming traffic when I was already 8. Life only got worse as time progressed. Friendships progressed into, oh your the weird kid, and into I hate interacting in general. Then now with spinal deformities now, I'm a complete disaster. Feels like we born to rot like old fruit.

 

[EmptyVessel42]

The reason that my life is so fucked up is high functioning autism. My entire life I have suffered due to being different. Social interaction has always been an unsolvable puzzle for me. I always wondered why it seemed so difficult for me, my brain just couldn't seem to process it. I saw all the other kids interact normally with each other like it's second nature, while I was sat alone hoping I could be like them one day.

I wasted all of my teen years in isolation. I always dreamed of teen love and friendships, going out to social events and feeling a sense of belonging like everyone else. But it is just not in my control. I have tried to the best of my ability to copy others' behavior and mannerisms to seem normal but to no avail. Even my best efforts are not enough. I have just been rejected or quietly abandoned by my peers. To make things worse, I am a closeted gay in a homophobic country. The only way I could possibly find a romantic partner is through dating apps. And I have made my attempts. The texting stage always goes well, they are excited to meet me (probably because I know how to take good misleading pictures of myself as well). Then when we actually meet, it never goes anywhere. It gets progressively more awkward as I run out of things to talk about, and by the end of the date I am stressed af. Obviously they never want to meet again, I would do the same in their position.

Another lovely fact about me is that I have learned to mask my symptoms well over the years, so to most other people I don't seem autistic, just weird, awkward and boring. And with that comes the added benefit of people not believing me or thinking I am pretending when I open up about my autism. I just suffer the symptoms quietly by myself, while others assume I am just lazy or weak and that I could improve my life but choose not to. And the fact that I am high functioning and have above average IQ makes me extremely self aware, so I cannot be fooled that living like this is worth it no matter what empty words they tell me.

Autism is not something that can be cured. If you want, you can spend $$$$ running to therapists and psychiatrists over the years to attempt to mask your symptoms so you can function in society, or temporarily ignore the problem. But autism doesn't just go away. The brain is just wired that way. No amount of therapy or medications is truly satisfying enough. You are just trying to treat a problem that has no real cure, and there are limitations to that. The goal of therapy is to teach you how to go against your natural instincts, to fundamentally change your true self, so you can attempt to live in a world that is clearly not made for you. Bullshitting yourself and masking will never be even remotely as good as the real thing. And fuck this new movement where people keep parroting that "autism is a superpower". It is a massive curse. What is the point of having above average IQ and being good at problem solving and spotting patterns, if literally every other aspect of my life is shit.

I truly see the good things in life. I can see why neurotypical people demonize suicide and assume that everyone's life is beautiful and worth living. And I just wish I could be like them. At this point my depression has gotten so severe that I literally cannot enjoy anything in life. I am like an emotionless zombie just wasting away in my bed 24 hours per day. If I was born in the exact same body, with the same people around me, but I was neurotypical, I strongly believe that I would love my life a lot. Even being gay, I wish that was my biggest problem. Because compared to autism it's a fucking breeze. It's not really anyone's fault that I am suffering so much. This world just isn't made for me.

Bruh why is this so relatable as a high functioning autistic..