Venting I don't know

[SpinTop555]

I am so sick of myself. I hate myself. I'm so worn down by grief and depression. I want to end this nightmare. My daughter is nearly five, I have primary custody and her dad has her every weekend. I'm just not coping. I have BPD and therapy isn't helping. Doing DBT, can't seem to "work" the skills before destroying relationships. I'm so torn. It's the weekend now, and I desperately want to kill myself (would only do it when my daughter is safely elsewhere) and end the pain and grief inside. I feel I'm damned either way. Stay and suffer, or leave and pass on my pain. I feel even if I do stay, I will end up messing up my daughter and she will cut me off. She'll hate me if I do it now, or hate me later anyway. I don't want to be alone. I want love and a life partner and to be happy. But we don't always get what we want. One day she will leave me forever. I am so sick in the head and the heart, I can see future arguments and see her hating me and me hating myself even more than I already do. I'm in a damned situation. I can't move forward, I can't undo becoming a mother, I can't undo all the damage and pain I have caused. I can't make sense of my own thoughts. I'm so consumed by shame, guilt, depression, emotional pain. I'm so tired, I just want to get off this ride. Life is nothing but constant endless pain and suffering. My daughter deserves better than me. Than I can/could give her.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

For what it is worth from me reading this it sounds like you love your daughter very very much and it is nice to read this in a sad way. I feel very bad for you, having children must complicate it massively it is a situation I hope never to be having to think about. I hope you can get better if that is what you want even though it is so hard, you deserve those things I can tell from your short post.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really can be exhausting and our thoughts can torture us. I know how that feels. I can't imagine what it is like to have a child as well. It must be hard being caught between two minds of not wanting to suffer but not wanting to pass the pain on. The worst part of suicide is the affect it can have on other people. I wish you the best and I hope you can find some relief.

 

[WornOutLife]

You're certainly going through a lot. I'm really sorry.

I'm a worn out life so, I understand what you mean. Don't know how longer I'l be able to be on this blue rock!

 

[Bat 17]

I can relate. I'm kind of in the same situation but in reverse. I'm a single dad and I have daughters that I only see on weekends. I don't have BPD but I have bipolar. I have struggled with suicidal ideation, made a serious attempt, been hospitalised. Now I live kind of for the sake of my daughters, I'm alone, and one day I know they will leave (hopefully so as I want them to have a happy life)

Feel free to DM me if you want to chat. It's bloody hard. Things can get better though even if it doesn't seem that way right now when you're going through hell