Venting I don't know why they did that to me

[lasagneass]

I don't where to start. My parents killed me.

So, when I was a small girl, my dad would judge women around me - "this one looks like a slut/her ass is as wide as a house/she probably has saggy tits" - he would point at different people and say these things when we were driving. He made me hate my own gender because of how he treated women. I pretended to be a boy till I hit puberty. Growing up was tough, I was and I am very insecure about my body, I feel like I'm not enough. He made me feel shitty about myself too, he would shame me and say things like - "hips to wide and no tits/you look like a clown/your hips are so sickly wide probably from sitting on your ass all day/you should hide your body". I eventually developped eating disorders and depression. I am 5'7 and 135lbs. (I want to be thinner though)
I wear baggy hoodies and I prefer to hide myself than wear clothes that actually fit me.
My mom didn't react to any of it and she actually isolated me from my friends. She wouldn't let me have any close friends and boyfriends. So many people were interested in me and I had to brush them off. It was heart wrenching for me. I'm almost an adult and I didn't experience in life much a side from various negative things. I'm so lonely and hopeless, I'm giving up on life.
They are very manipulative and passive-aggressive too.

And I'm so close to adulthood that they are suddenly saying shit like : "YOU SHOULD BE CONFIDENT", "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL", "FIGHT FOR YOURSELF" when I'm shattered.

Edit: I went to the gyno because my ovary was aching. When we left the facility with my parents, my dad screamed on a street "SO WHAT? ARE YOU CLEAN THERE?" That was so disgusting I can't even say anything. People were passing by and my mom started talking about my private parts. Some heads were turning. I felt so humiliated and dreadful. I told them they were behaving terrible and they said quote on quote "WOW, YOU ARE SO IMMATURE", "YOU ARE FUCKED IN THE HEAD WEIRDO", "PEOPLE DIDN'T EVEN CARE", "HAHA A BABY", "MY DAUGHTER IS WEIRD", "YOU'LL SEE, YOU WILL TALK WITH YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT BJS AT BUS STOPS".

 

[jgm63]

Sorry to hear. I hope you can find a way to get away from your parents and have your own space.
Would you be able to take a job, and then rent somewhere when you have gotten a bit of money together ?
I wonder if there are any facebook groups where people get together to rent a place, etc ?

 

[Polka]

It really sucks when family does not turn out well. You just have to deal with it and learn from the effect it has on you.

I second the opinion of jgm63. Do you have a plan to move out? Any family or friends you could stay with after you get a job and get some money towards renting a place of your own?

Wide hips are great and are one of the defining features of a woman. No point looking like a man if you are a woman.

 

[lasagneass]

Sorry to hear. I hope you can find a way to get away from your parents and have your own space.
Would you be able to take a job, and then rent somewhere when you have gotten a bit of money together ?
I wonder if there are any facebook groups where people get together to rent a place, etc ?

I don't want to sound like a failure but I don't have the power to go to work I think and I have nowhere to go since my grandparents' death.

 

[S1mpleme]

Well, nobody knows what happening inside their brains. What is your plan for the future? What are you going to do with this?

 

[jgm63]

I don't want to sound like a failure but I don't have the power to go to work I think and I have nowhere to go since my grandparents' death.

Ok, well I hope perhaps something can work out.
We'll try to support you here in any way we can.....

 

[Rotten thing]

I'm so sorry that you have to through all of this. I have never met you but I'm 100000000000% sure that you are very beautiful inside and out. You are a good person and deserve better treatment than what you are getting. If possible try to move out and limit your communication with them. Also if possible try to seek help to get over your eating disorder and self image. Just know this every single girl and boy are amazing beautiful and just because someone is unable to see how amazing you are doesn't mean they are right. We are here for you all the time. Sending all the love in the world your way. Hugs

 

[jgm63]

It would be great if @lasagneass and @Rotten thing could team up together and somehow figure out an escape plan together...

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry you're going through this. They are a very abusive toxic and environment. It's wrong for people to act like you should just be able to bounce back from that level of emotional harm especially from a young age. It can take several years to scratch the surface but it is possible. The first and most important stuff is getting away from the abusers.

Start formulating a plan to save money and for a job and things like that to prepare for your exit. For sure keep reaching out to people, and maintaining healthy social support.

 

[Despondent]

I'm sorry to hear that you've grown up this way :( It really is saddening.. every person is beautiful in their own ways.

How old are you? I know that you said you were going into adulthood.

 

[trouble]

Hey, I'm so very sorry about your family; they sound awful.
I know that right now it seems impossible to leave, but I sincerely hope that one day you'll have the chance to — you deserve to feel safe, and you deserve being surrounded by people who help you grow instead of stomping you out.
And about the stuff with your body image: I'm sorry your father ruined that for you, and it sucks that you gained an eating disorder from that :(

Sending you a big hug!!

 

[A3re733]

She wouldn't let me have any close friends and boyfriends. So many people were interested in me and I had to brush them off. It was heart wrenching for me. I'm almost an adult and I didn't experience in life much a side from various negative things.

You might feel better knowing that you didn't miss out on much. Men are animals. And people just generally suck. "Friends" talk badly behind your back, leave you during tough times, influence you negatively, exhaust you...etc

You're funny btw.

EDIT: I forgot to say, your father sounds like a sick bastard. Your mom's not better either.

 

[Broken Chimera]

If your dad makes fun of your looks again, tell him it's his fault for not pulling out in time. Your dad's a sick bastard and your mom isn't far behind.

 

[A3re733]

If your dad makes fun of your looks again, tell him it's his fault for not pulling out in time. Your dad's a sick bastard and your mom isn't far behind.

I totally understand the feeling...but isn't that kinda dangerous advice? :D

I mean, idk if a sick bastard wants to be criticized by his child who he branzely treats like crap and without regard for their feelings.

We wouldn't want the dad to get mad at OP and hurt her more would we?

 

[BlueWidow]

I'm so sorry to hear how your parents treat you. The problem lies with them, not with you. I'm sure there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. However, I do understand it because my dad was very hyper critical as well. Nothing I did ever made him happy. My dad liked to purposely embarrass me in front of other people, but even he wouldn't have been as crude as your parents seem to be. I can't imagine how horrible it is for you to have them talking that way out in public.
Why do you think they suddenly changed and are now trying to give you compliments all of a sudden? Maybe they just realized that now that you're almost an adult, you may actually move far away from them and never speak to them again and they're realizing what they may be about to lose.
I hope the forum can help you find the support you need. It can, at the very least, provide you with a good place to vent about stuff that you can't talk about IRL.
Sending you lots of love and hugs.

 

[Broken Chimera]

I totally understand the feeling...but isn't that kinda dangerous advice? :D

I mean, idk if a sick bastard wants to be criticized by his child who he branzely treats like crap and without regard for their feelings.

We wouldn't want the dad to get mad at OP and hurt her more would we?

I'm just heated at the fact that people like this are able to be assholes and expect to be that without any repercussions. I hope the OP can get away from them soon.

 

[jgm63]

I'm just heated at the fact that people like this are able to be assholes an expect to be that without any repercussions. I hope the OP can get away from them soon.

Karma will ensure the repercussions occur, one way or another, sooner or later....
Her parents likely have terrible pain in them that they somehow can't contain, to need to do what they do.
Karma isn't there to "punish" as such, but is there to ensure that everyone learns what they need to learn, and faces up to whatever they must face up to.

 

[Supersadmommy90]

Your life is just beginning in all honesty, and your best days are ahead of you. What are you, 18-20? I know your pain is legitimate but if you are a half decent looking, hell even slightly above average looking, woman in that age range (and from what you said about people expressing interest in you, I'm assuming you are) the world is your fucking oyster.

Jealousy is a bitch. let me explain. Your parents sound like miserable people because they seem to have been doing everything they could to stifle you. All older people are jealous of younger people generally speaking, but the way this jealousy can manifest is very peculiar and neurotic at times. It sounds like your parents can't stand the sight of you being happy, probably out of jealousy. I can completely relate to being sabotaged in my development by my parents, I was bottle fed (which makes your face look different and affects the way your palate and teeth develop versus breastfeeding, and makes you uglier), anyway, and also my parents were very uncomfortable with me going through puberty and blossoming into the nice young woman I was, and should have felt like. At one time I asked my mom if I was pretty, and she pointedly told me I was average looking. That sort of thing. But several men have told me as an adult that they think I'm beautiful. So really, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Anyway, regarding your true nature as a woman. You should be seeking a partnership and using your peak fertility to start a family now. Career aspirations, school, travelling, partying, none of these will bring fulfillment in another 10-15 years. You have such incredible value as a young woman, and so many advantages, now is the time to use your feminity to it's upmost advantage. Get the man you WANT. You can have your pick of the litter for the most part, the female selects the next generation's genes. This really actually is the case, and I didn't realize that until it was a little too late for me to optimize my situation. I would have had way more confidence and gotten way better results in terms of a mate had I know that I was one with the winning hand at that time. But I suffered from low self esteem and lowballed myself, and also prioritized the wrong things. I should have been husband hunting. not playing super soldier (I joined the military at 19).

Anyway, it sucks to see someone with seemingly so much potential feeling awful like this, I really just have that feeling about you that you are a diamond in the rough that just needs polished a little bit and then you'll shine. I wish you all the best regardless of how things play out. Keep your chin up, champ.

 

[lasagneass]

Thank you all for your kind words, I want to clear some things out.:

1) It's hard for me to think about my future because I find it simply nonexistent. I don't care for myself, I'm just existing in my room everyday, wearing my baggy pyjamas and drinking coffee. I barely eat anymore. I'm comfortable with the thought of dying and I'm anticipating my death very soon. I'm afraid that if I don't pass soon I will become a petri dish for drugs.

2) Just turned 18.

3) I don't want to pass my genes in any shape or form. I'm too flawed to bring offspring to this planet. I don't even like children.

 

[jgm63]

Thank you all for your kind words, I want to clear some things out.:

1) It's hard for me to think about my future because I find it simply nonexistent. I don't care for myself, I'm just existing in my room everyday, wearing my baggy pyjamas and drinking coffee. I barely eat anymore. I'm comfortable with the thought of dying and I'm anticipating my death very soon. I'm afraid that if I don't pass soon I will become a petri dish for drugs.

2) Just turned 18.

3) I don't want to pass my genes in any shape or form. I'm too flawed to bring offspring to this planet. I don't even like children.

Ok, well we will try to support you in your wishes.
Have you done any research yet on which method you might use ?

 

[lasagneass]

Ok, well we will try to support you in your wishes.
Have you done any research yet on which method you might use ?

I wanted to jump from a height. Like 120 meters down, from a very tall hotel.

 

[jgm63]

I wanted to jump from a height. Like 120 meters down, from a very tall hotel.

What country are you in b.t.w. ?

I had a few notes here :

Spoiler: post-550693

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...do-you-think-this-method-is.30187/post-550693

Have you also looked into the SN method ?

For general reference, you might also want to refer to the peaceful pill handbook :

Spoiler: pph-dec-2019

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/pph-dec-2019.30370/

NOTE !! I would still like you to think carefully about your options....
I still feel as though there should be some way to get through your situation....

 

[lasagneass]

What country are you in b.t.w. ?

I had a few notes here :

Spoiler: post-550693

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...do-you-think-this-method-is.30187/post-550693

Have you also looked into the SN method ?

For general reference, you might also want to refer to the peaceful pill handbook :

Spoiler: pph-dec-2019

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/pph-dec-2019.30370/

NOTE !! I would still like you to think carefully about your options....
I still feel as though there should be some way to get through your situation....

I don't want to tell that.
+ I'm afraid of chemical mixtures that can malfunction quite easily, the fear of being caught.
I prefer to fall straight to my death and give it a big hug.

 

[jgm63]

I don't want to tell that.
+ I'm afraid of chemical mixtures that can malfunction quite easily, the fear of being caught.
I prefer to fall straight to my death and give it a big hug.

I was asking country because that might enable people to suggest which support organisations might be able to offer you help, and generally just revealing your country does not expose your identity very much.
However, it is of course your choice as to what you share or do not share....