Venting I don't know who I am unless I'm trying obliterate myself

[noreallynotmarcy]

Hey, new here after spending an hour trying to find it. It's ridic that the name of this site goes unmentioned in articles, I can't stand that kind of information gatekeeping. Anyway, I have Bipolar NOS, I carry a lot of self-loathing and if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I'd be fine. I'm 40, in grad school and struggling. All my friends have careers or families. I'm married, with a dog, but I feel like my career window closed. I opted for school to delay heading out into the "real world" thinking I'd be good enough for academia, but turns out it's not the case. Though my advisor tells me I'm pretty advanced, but I don't believe her.

I'm worried about money, school, my fading appearance. I have a speech impediment. I'm anxious all the time. I know this stuff is fixable with hard work, but I question if it's worth it. With mental health noise, I feel like I can't function at all, and wonder if I'm just better off making my life about my mental health. But I don't want to do that either.

I don't understand why I can't just get that toe over. I was so ready a few days ago, even looking for my favorite alt.suicide.holiday thread that I've always had a copy of (since about high school), but it's just not happening. I hate that I don't have enough of my meds to off myself. I hate that I'm afraid of suffocating though it would probably be the easiest way to go.

 

[dinosavr]

I'm really sorry you feel this way :(
Have you tried antidepressants or psychotherapy by any chance? If it's possible for you, it's definitely worth a try until you decide to suffocate yourself. At least you'll be able to find who you are for real and what you want to do with your life.

 

[noreallynotmarcy]

I'm really sorry you feel this way :(
Have you tried antidepressants or psychotherapy by any chance? If it's possible for you, it's definitely worth a try until you decide to suffocate yourself. At least you'll be able to find who you are for real and what you want to do with your life.

I've been in and out of therapy since I was about 9. I'd love to go back except I'm in a financial bind at present. I've tried text therapy like Talkspace and presently, 7cups. For what it is, it's a bit overpriced, but I'll take what I can get. Also fully medicated, and I guess it would just be easier to get an adjustment, but it goes back to that self-worth thing. I remain somewhat hopeful, but as I get older I start to doubt if I'll figure things out in a decent amount of time. I've lived a decent-ish life.

Thanks for responding. I feel a little better knowing I'm not shouting into the void.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

This is coming from someone with autism and a fucked up brain: therapists are complete dog shit. Why? Because how can someone who doesn't know your experiences or life relate to you? That's 1. And 2: if they can't relate how can they help? A bit of paper from a college means they can help you? Medical fields are fuckijg cooked with these types of people - you become a pay pig. If they sort you out, no more dolla dollla bills.

£70 for 45 minutes in the UK. Did nothing.
£4.50 animal sanctuary for the day. More progress just leaning on the fence next to horse and having the parrots talk back. Quiets the mind unlike dumbass humans. Would recommend.

More human interaction is just stupid. Makes problems worse and magnified. I have a real distrust for the medical field as well (had cancer).

Maybe something to think about.

 

[noreallynotmarcy]

This is coming from someone with autism and a fucked up brain: therapists are complete dog shit. Why? Because how can someone who doesn't know your experiences or life relate to you? That's 1. And 2: if they can't relate how can they help? A bit of paper from a college means they can help you? Medical fields are fuckijg cooked with these types of people - you become a pay pig. If they sort you out, no more dolla dollla bills.

£70 for 45 minutes in the UK. Did nothing.
£4.50 animal sanctuary for the day. More progress just leaning on the fence next to horse and having the parrots talk back. Quiets the mind unlike dumbass humans. Would recommend.

More human interaction is just stupid. Makes problems worse and magnified. I have a real distrust for the medical field as well (had cancer).

Maybe something to think about.

I'm sorry about your cancer diagnosis- are you in remission? You raise a good point. I've had shitty therapists, and I find they get a bit frustrated with me because I shoot every possible resolution to my issues. The one I'm in touch with is into talking about my childhood, which I appreciate. I think talking about that is more effective than just handing me a worksheet.

Yes, thank you. Absolutely something to consider. I rarely leave my house so maybe some fresh air and time around animals would do some good.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I'm sorry about your cancer diagnosis- are you in remission? You raise a good point. I've had shitty therapists, and I find they get a bit frustrated with me because I shoot every possible resolution to my issues. The one I'm in touch with is into talking about my childhood, which I appreciate. I think talking about that is more effective than just handing me a worksheet.

Yes, thank you. Absolutely something to consider. I rarely leave my house so maybe some fresh air and time around animals would do some good.

Cancer shit was years ago. Yeah even the talking stuff is just questions. I don't think it really works at all for autistic people because it's like talking to someone who just throws questions when we sent solutions logically. Might be different for others but yeah. More in common with the animals because they have been rescued from abused situation.

You'll have better luck just talking back and forth with people on this forum or animals. Don't pay therapists - leeches and resource hoarders - the lot of them.

 

[Not A Fan]

I find they get a bit frustrated with me because I shoot every possible resolution to my issues.

^^^This is it. Why so many of us learn quickly we have to keep this shit to ourselves.. friends, family, professionals... same experience as this every time.

I don't do it anymore of course, haha

 

[noreallynotmarcy]

^^^This is it. Why so many of us learn quickly we have to keep this shit to ourselves.. friends, family, professionals... same experience as this every time.

I don't do it anymore of course, haha

That's what drives me nuts. I want to talk about offing myself but it's such a balancing act. I'm in the US and a trip to the emergency room is a $5K asshole tax for a 72 hour hold. A little less when you seek help yourself. You get kept for 48 hours. I'm really bogged down in debt and don't have a job (on the search), and it sucks that more affordable quality care isn't available to me. I get that people have to make money, I'm not shitting on the system. I just wish my finances were in better shape so I can get help.

I stare at my bottle of Xanax and I get so angry that I don' have nearly enough to kill myself. I'd have to hoard for about 2 years to get to that, even with an increase in dosage. I tried to pull getting the max (from .25) from my psychiatrist, but that failed miserably. Only got up to .50, when I really wanted 2,g.

 

[yyytry]

I've talked to some therapists about my suicidal ideation with hopes that they could help me get beyond it.
You know, honest discussion. No hiding.

I told them I didn't have a plan, but I think about it all the time. And that I also go to the suicide forum to communicate these thoughts, because it's safe from being hospitalized.

I said there is a real need for counselors that can be trusted. Most can't. Which is why we are here for each other.

In the end, I stopped going to the counselors.
The ball wasn't moving forward and to be fair, the ball isn't moving forward here either.

At least here, there is the comfort of a support group vibe. And no bullshit cop/ambulance/ward drama.

 

[Davey36000]

Try microdosing shrooms/DMT/mescaline...
Might help both at school and mental health.
Go for a reiki session.
See if anything improves.