Venting I don't know who I am anymore

[scary]

I've thought about this recently (because when I just lay in bed all day staring at the wall my mind starts to wonder to existential places) and I've come to this realization. I've had to think long and hard about who I am and i've got nothing. The only "personality" I have is the medias I consume, but not me. What's my personality? what are my hobbies? what do I want to do with my life? the answer to all of those questions, of course, is nothing. I'm nothing.

I feel like such an empty husk of the person I once was. The kid who wanted to be an artist when she got older has since passed, drawing doesn't give me joy anymore. Sure I like to joke around with things like "ohhh this movie I'm looking forward to will come out soon!' or "my favorite artist's album will drop this year, trust!, then I can CTB" but even then, do those things even bring me joy or even meaning/reasons for existing anymore? Consuming works from other creatives is amazing don't get me wrong, but a life of watching what other people do is starting to wear me down. What's gonna happen when I don't have anything to look forward to? I say i'll CTB but let's not kid ourselves, realistically i'll never be able to and i'll be stuck here waiting for however many years for my body to finally give up on itself. I don't want to live until i'm 70 just sitting here twiddling my thumbs waiting for that, but what can I do, my dreams were taken from me a long time ago.

Is garnering a personality even worth it when my goals are to just... die? It is a waste of what little energy I have now, but it would be nice. Being a human being would be nice.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

I've thought about this recently (because when I just lay in bed all day staring at the wall my mind starts to wonder to existential places) and I've come to this realization. I've had to think long and hard about who I am and i've got nothing. The only "personality" I have is the medias I consume, but not me. What's my personality? what are my hobbies? what do I want to do with my life? the answer to all of those questions, of course, is nothing. I'm nothing.

I feel like such an empty husk of the person I once was. The kid who wanted to be an artist when she got older has since passed, drawing doesn't give me joy anymore. Sure I like to joke around with things like "ohhh this movie I'm looking forward to will come out soon!' or "my favorite artist's album will drop this year, trust!, then I can CTB" but even then, do those things even bring me joy or even meaning/reasons for existing anymore? Consuming works from other creatives is amazing don't get me wrong, but a life of watching what other people do is starting to wear me down. What's gonna happen when I don't have anything to look forward to? I say i'll CTB but let's not kid ourselves, realistically i'll never be able to and i'll be stuck here waiting for however many years for my body to finally give up on itself. I don't want to live until i'm 70 just sitting here twiddling my thumbs waiting for that, but what can I do, my dreams were taken from me a long time ago.

Is garnering a personality even worth it when my goals are to just... die? It is a waste of what little energy I have now, but it would be nice. Being a human being would be nice.

Sounds just like me. How old are you?

 

[hurb]

Yeah its always what can i consume next. Its crazy how my brain tricks me into thinking that im excited for a new game update for exemple. And once it drops i get bored after 30 minutes. Its like our brain is grasping on thin air and trying its best to pretend our life is exciting lol

 

[Leorio Paradinight]

Is garnering a personality even worth it when my goals are to just... die?

I would say so.

I'm 100% dying because my illness makes it physically impossible to lead a normal life and there's no help available for me to survive, but I got tired of waiting for CTB so I went to university knowing that it's impossible for me to ever work an actual job and I don't regret it.

This isn't meant to be inspirational, I'm actually looking to attempt on Saturday, but if you think being a human would be nice then it's worth exploring. If you ctb, then it doesn't necessarily go to waste. Dying knowing who you are sounds more pleasant than dying not knowing who you are.

 

[scary]

Sounds just like me. How old are you?

20