Venting I don’t know where I’m going with this

[blueexorcist]

I've de-pitted 13 apricots. I don't know how I'm going to get the kernels out since the pits are so thin and I don't want to risk crushing the kernels. I also have 11 dried-up peach kernels, but I dunno if they're gonna work. I'm gonna have my last meal of phô (my favourite) and find another snack to go down with the kernels. I have a plan and I'm ready for the pain, but I don't know if it'll kill me. I've lost everything and everyone I cared for. I've pushed them all away for their own good because I know I will drag them and anyone I meet down. I've spent the majority of my money and left my last check and highly-sentimental necklace with someone I so deeply care for. I'm confused and I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'm venting at this point.

 

[whyidon'tknow]

If I were you I would do some searches on this site for more info

 

[blueexorcist]

Update:
I've crushed the 13 apricot pits with a hammer to get to the actual kernel lol. If someone wants to try this method, use caution and be in a controlled environment when you do so because 1) shit flies everywhere, 2) I accidentally smashed precious kernels, and 3) it's loud as hell. I had to do it when no one was home because it sounds like bloody murder. I had to do it in an enclosed bath tub and even then when I smashed the pits I had to search behind shampoo bottles of sorts to find where the kernels had gone. A little fun smashing things before the end.

Although, in all honesty... I do have the "antidote" if I change my mind— activated charcoal. However, I don't know how much will do... or if it'll work. Just putting out information for anyone who wants to try this method and/or decides to change their mind in the process.
I am debating on buying more apricots to de-pit. I just did more intensive research and I've got a variety of mixed results.

I am a little under 50kg and about 160cm. I'm not sure how much it'll take for me because I am, what my coworkers consider, a toothpick.

I've heard that having 10 in a day can kill someone. I've also heard that I needed 30 bloody kernels to do the trick as well. I'm a determined, but I also don't want to look a fool going to the market asking to buy all the apricots they have in stalk...

I don't know, but I'll keep updating as time goes on. I don't really have anywhere else to document my progress, so this is where I'll be for anyone who wants to listen..

FYI:
To choose to end or to continue is nothing to be ashamed of. Xoxo