Venting I don’t know what to do.

[I-can-only-imagine]

I have a close friend who I met on here. They have said they don't frequent the forums so I'm praying that this is a safe space to talk. They will know who they are if they read this, but my BPD is fucking my brain right now. They worry about everyone before themselves and so I really try to not talk about my own stuff with them as I don't want to be another thing I know they will worry about.

I'm in a conundrum. They have been hurt badly in the past, including a close friend disappearing. They have struggled not knowing if they are alive or not.

I have plans (two as the first one IF works is ideal but there are risks and can only be followed through under very specific circumstances). But I don't know if I should tell them or not when the time comes, (not for a couple of weeks most likely). I feel I should as I don't want them left with more worry and unanswered questions. And I know it will hurt them, upset them. But one side of me is like: they met me on here, so it shouldn't be a surprise, they have their moments of being down and struggling so they understand, etc etc.

When they aren't doing great they push me away. And that's ok, because I have known that this is what happens and I have always promised that I will always be here even if they rip into me. And I will be. But I am in a really bad place myself that I refuse to tell them about, and I feel that when I am trying to be supportive, I'm making it worse. I said I can back off and they said please dont. Then ripped into me again. And i just said that I am going to back off until they contact me and I am always here and they haven't succeeded in pushing me away. But where I am in a bad place and have been for a few weeks now, I feel I can't offload in the two places I normally would as they are there and I don't want to make it worse by making them feel guilty and worried when it has absolutely nothing to do with them.

I know I am 99% likely to ctb within the next couple of months. As said. Plans in place, just my plan A very dependant on the right circumstances coming about which are 50/50 on whether they happen in the next month or so. I feel ready and prepared.

Anyway. I'm sorry about the long rambled post, I literally have no where else I can try and offload 0.000001% of how I'm feeling.

 

[Dot]

Am srry 2 rd ths & dnt knw wh ur frnd is bt evn if it wll hrt thm if tht persn knws y u hve disapprd it wll hlp thm mre in lng trm i.m.o. Prsnlly perfr thngs wld nt hve cme 2 ths bt all r on s.s fr a reasn.

Lke u sd th unanswrd qustns cn kp ppl goin rnd in circls. Perhps tht persn wnts a chnce 2 sy gdbye bt tht wld also b/ dwn 2 wht u r abl 2 d/ r comfrtbl wth.

Rlly srry r in ths postn

 

[Noctis]

I would say everyone on here knows that any person we connect with has a chance of one day being nothing more than a line through a name. There's already been one person who said she sees me as a friend, and now she's gone. And that's alright, because it was her choice.

I would also advise you to try to open up. Even when just typing it out for a familiar name that you don't know, knowing someone will read about your pain is very cathartic. It may not take away the urge to ctb, but just knowing one person knows and understands you makes a huge difference, and you'll go into the great beyond just a little more at peace.

 

[sadeyesWA]

What Noctis said is true. Not long after I joined an excited user contacted me because they lived sort of nearby and were looking for a partner to CTB. I agreed, but their schedule was advanced of mine and, *poof*, another one rides the bus. I was shocked, saddened and scared. Scared because the comforting blanket of a buddy for the end of the world suddenly returned to, "all alone in a hotel room."

Most people here are in great distress, which doesn't make for good mental health. I hear your vent, but you never know if it could have gone the other way. Still might.

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

I would say everyone on here knows that any person we connect with has a chance of one day being nothing more than a line through a name. There's already been one person who said she sees me as a friend, and now she's gone. And that's alright, because it was her choice.

I would also advise you to try to open up. Even when just typing it out for a familiar name that you don't know, knowing someone will read about your pain is very cathartic. It may not take away the urge to ctb, but just knowing one person knows and understands you makes a huge difference, and you'll go into the great beyond just a little more at peace.

Thank you. I have opened up on here in chat a bit, especially the other night when I knew that this person wasn't on.

My gut is saying tell them when the time comes. But I may write them a message and get a mutual person to pass it on after a certain period of time. I don't know. I think I will just decide when the time comes. But I am definitely thinking they need to know, even though it will hurt, it will hurt less than not knowing