I don't know what to do

[Lmd]

Hi everyone. First of all, sorry if for my bad english but i'm not a native speaker.

Sooo... I'm finally taking my final steps to commit this week. I'm gonna take some pills and hope this works well but i'm afraid of what's gonna happend next and I don't know what to do.

I don't remember since when I have depression. All my life was a mess but since last month I'm living with constant anxiety and breathe just becomes a nightmare. Everyone around me knows I'm depressed and last week I talked about commit with all of my close friends and family. I didn't think too much why I did it but I guess it was just a cry for help? Looking for a reason to live? In the end it only made people uncomfortable. My ex-bf said he is gonna kill himself if I do it but now he doesn't wanna talk with me about anything and he said he is better without me around. My sister came to my house to check if everything is ok but that was a few days ago, I don't know anything about her since then. My best friend just said I'm an asshole and she doesn't take it seriously. I had a suicidal partner and he has a plan and an easy way to do it since years but when I told him I'm ready even him said I should wait and he is making plans and things to do and somehow trying to encourage me to don't do it.

I'm just tired and a bit pissed off for what happened last week and now I'm in the end of this journey I have some questions: First of all, I'm somehow a conflictive person. Not in the worst way but sometimes I'm a bit difficult to handle so I have unfinished things with people. I'm writting some letters to leave but for what happened last week I'm not sure right now. Are those letters a cry for help like when I told them about my condition? I don't feel it like that but when I talk about my feelings didn't feel it anyway so I'm doubting rn. What if someone find the letter in time and stops me? I'm scared of sending all the letters for nothing but I feel like I need to do it. Should I don't send anything? If you were one of those who would receive it what would you do? Will you prefer to don't receive anything? I'm making things hard and traumatic for them doing this stuff?

As I said I'm gonna take pills but I have questions here too. I don't have the magic pill but after reading a lot I think I have a way that will works fine aswell but what if It doesn't work and I send all those letters and said all of those things? If I woke up anyway I'm gonna jump of a roof for sure. This was my first choice but it feels impossible to have access to one. I know this sounds dumb but I only know about houses and I can't afford an hotel or something like that right now. Should I wait for my second choice? Living is a true pain right now and I don't have anything that makes me feel better. Anxiety is taking control of my body and after tried everything I just can't handle it. In case I have to wait, do you have any suggestions to what to do?


Sorry for the long post. I know some of the questions are answered somewhere this forum but that's a lot for me right now and I wanted to post everything. Thanks for reading.

 

[Sugar_Cookie21]

first, you shouldn't overthink this, if you are nervous or anxious, don't decide anything;for this decision you have to be calm and with a mind in place

Are those letters a cry for help like when I told them about my condition?
no, a suicide letter is your explanation of why you did it, t, leaving your family in the dark after you leave is the worst thing , you should explain your decision to then

What if someone find the letter in time and stops me?
keep the letter with you, on your pocket for example, with the names of the persons you wish to send the letter for

Should I don't send anything?
take your time to think about this

If you were one of those who would receive it what would you do? Will you prefer to don't receive anything? I'm making things hard and traumatic for them doing this stuff?
no, you claryfing to then the reason you came up with this decision

I don't have the magic pill but after reading a lot I think I have a way that will works fine aswell
if you not sure, don't do it , is your life at stake in here, you end up with eternal peace or a vegetable, you don't wanna take your chances on this


i recommend you to think a lot about this, is not a simple decision like the color of your shoes or the flavor of the cake, is ending your own life

In case I have to wait, do you have any suggestions to what to do?
if you livedtill now, you can still take it, put positive things on your mind or consume sensorial illusions, do what makes you feel good, in my case i like to listen to music, but this could vary for each
sorry if i'm was not clear enough, my english sucks too

 

[Lmd]

I already think about it, I know I want it. I prepare it in case something is wrong im not gonna end up in a vegetable state. Thanks for the answer