i have no idea what to fucking do. i've tried so fucking hard for years to find reasons to keep going and i find them for a little bit but it always comes back. i have a great family, lots of hobbies and things that i am good at and enjoy in the moment, but the minute i stop i just come right back to being miserable.
doctors, shrinks, and psychiatrists alike have no idea what's wrong with me. they keep trying to diagnose me with all this bullshit stuff and they end up being wrong every fucking time. i've been to therapy like 6 times but i always come back to where i am now. i just want it to be over. i have so much to live for but even on my best days i just think "man, i don't want to fucking be here!" it's like i don't even care about all of the things that go well for me. i'm about to finish uni but i just don't give a shit. i want it to end. i think it's honestly just because i have no friends but i can't keep relationships and i'm too scared to talk to people because i'm terrified of getting the shit kicked out of me like when i was a kid. my friends always cancel on me or ignore me for days and even when they don't i just don't want to spend time with anybody. i don't care. i know my family would be devastated if i did it and that's why i'm holding on right now, but i'm starting to care less and less about that.
i don't see myself surviving another five years. granted, i didn't see that five years ago and never thought i'd make it past 18 but i'm about to graduate now, but i for real mean it this time. i can't imagine making it past, like, 25 or 26. since i was 12 i've just sort of known that i would kill myself at some point. i still feel like that. i still know that. why bother waiting, honestly? that's honestly why i've stopped caring. they're going to have to deal with the aftermath of my suicide at some point. i know it. i know one day im gonna come home from work or something and just do it. don't know if that's gonna be tomorrow or in 3 years but it's going to happen. one day i'm going to stop fighting and just die.
i've lost so much of my life and livelihood to mental illness that i just feel like it's terminal. and it doesn't get better. no matter how much i work out, how nice of a body i have, how good i get at anything, how much i talk to people, how nice my family is, how much money i get, how often i go to church or pray, how much i go to therapy or how many pills they make me take, it just doesn't get any fucking better. i've just accepted that i'm not going to have one of those success stories of overcoming adversity because i'm going to blow my brains out before i turn 30. none of it fucking matters. i know it's going to hurt people but i really don't fucking care. i am miserable. i have been miserable for at least 10 fucking years. i've been dead for a long time and i'll stay that way until i finally get the balls to kill myself.
sorry if this is a long post, i just need to get it off my chest. i know it's going to happen, at this point it's just a matter of when, but nobody else bothers to listen when i say that. they just immediately try to say "nooo don't do that! noo that's not true!! it gets better!" even though it will never get better. gonna drink a shit ton tonight and then pass the fuck out.
doctors, shrinks, and psychiatrists alike have no idea what's wrong with me. they keep trying to diagnose me with all this bullshit stuff and they end up being wrong every fucking time. i've been to therapy like 6 times but i always come back to where i am now. i just want it to be over. i have so much to live for but even on my best days i just think "man, i don't want to fucking be here!" it's like i don't even care about all of the things that go well for me. i'm about to finish uni but i just don't give a shit. i want it to end. i think it's honestly just because i have no friends but i can't keep relationships and i'm too scared to talk to people because i'm terrified of getting the shit kicked out of me like when i was a kid. my friends always cancel on me or ignore me for days and even when they don't i just don't want to spend time with anybody. i don't care. i know my family would be devastated if i did it and that's why i'm holding on right now, but i'm starting to care less and less about that.
i don't see myself surviving another five years. granted, i didn't see that five years ago and never thought i'd make it past 18 but i'm about to graduate now, but i for real mean it this time. i can't imagine making it past, like, 25 or 26. since i was 12 i've just sort of known that i would kill myself at some point. i still feel like that. i still know that. why bother waiting, honestly? that's honestly why i've stopped caring. they're going to have to deal with the aftermath of my suicide at some point. i know it. i know one day im gonna come home from work or something and just do it. don't know if that's gonna be tomorrow or in 3 years but it's going to happen. one day i'm going to stop fighting and just die.
i've lost so much of my life and livelihood to mental illness that i just feel like it's terminal. and it doesn't get better. no matter how much i work out, how nice of a body i have, how good i get at anything, how much i talk to people, how nice my family is, how much money i get, how often i go to church or pray, how much i go to therapy or how many pills they make me take, it just doesn't get any fucking better. i've just accepted that i'm not going to have one of those success stories of overcoming adversity because i'm going to blow my brains out before i turn 30. none of it fucking matters. i know it's going to hurt people but i really don't fucking care. i am miserable. i have been miserable for at least 10 fucking years. i've been dead for a long time and i'll stay that way until i finally get the balls to kill myself.
sorry if this is a long post, i just need to get it off my chest. i know it's going to happen, at this point it's just a matter of when, but nobody else bothers to listen when i say that. they just immediately try to say "nooo don't do that! noo that's not true!! it gets better!" even though it will never get better. gonna drink a shit ton tonight and then pass the fuck out.
