Venting I don’t know what to do

[ppie41]

Had a full on meltdown in front of my boyfriend that ended up with me threatening to ctb. (Not in a manipulative way it had nothing to do with anything he said or did). He cried in a way I've never seen him cry before and he begged me not to leave him.
I don't want to hear any of you calling him a disgusting pro-lifer or preach that he doesn't understand my feelings, he has attempted suicide before and understands what it's like to be hopeless - but nobody wants to lose the person they love the most.
I want to leave this life behind, but I don't want to hurt my boyfriend like this - I have never seen him so heartbroken so I can't even imagine how he would feel or react if I went through with it. Even though he didn't say anything about it to me, part of me worries he might ctb as well if I leave, which I don't want at all. Maybe I've had pro-life rhetoric drilled into me but the thought of my boyfriend ctb is too much for me to handle. I want him to live his life and find happiness and I don't want to set him back with my death, so I don't know what to do

How do I ctb and make it look like an accident? I could try to get myself murdered since I do live in an unsafe city however I don't want to suffer and be afraid in my last moments, my SI would definitely kick in.
I don't have a license or a car but I suppose I could get one to run myself off the road. I could get drunk before doing so to lessen the SI but I don't want to run the risk of crashing into anybody else and injuring or killing them.
What other option do I have? Drowning?That's not my preferred method but it could definitely look like an accident right? I'm wondering if I could take enough Xanax to knock myself out at a river, I am a user so it wouldn't be suspicious for it to be found in my system…

I just wish I was never even born in the first place so I didn't have to experience this.

 

[BlackWednesday]

Given that you've already threatened to kill yourself I don't think that you'll be able to pass your suicide off as an accident.

 

[ppie41]

Given that you've already threatened to kill yourself I don't think that you'll be able to pass your suicide off as an accident.

Yeah, that's true. I was thinking I'd have to wait a long time, I don't know if I'm ready to go quite yet. The earliest I'd do it is June

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a painful situation to be in, but I do think that it's very difficult to make a suicide look like an accident. I agree though that drowning could be an option for this as many people have drowned accidentally after all, and drowning is most commonly associated with accidental deaths. But it's understandable wishing that you never existed, I feel the same way as never existing at all would had prevented all harm and suffering.

 

[ppie41]

That does sound like a painful situation to be in, but I do think that it's very difficult to make a suicide look like an accident. I agree though that drowning could be an option for this as many people have drowned accidentally after all, and drowning is most commonly associated with accidental deaths. But it's understandable wishing that you never existed, I feel the same way as never existing at all would had prevented all harm and suffering.

Exactly. I wish that I never had to live so that my death won't be so painful for the people that love me.
I wish I wasn't put in a position where I have to consider a method I've never even thought about before too, drowning sounds cold and lonely to me, but maybe it isn't so bad if I make sure to fall unconscious before hand….