I don't know what to do anymore

[roro.masaki]

I've never posted on here but I seriously don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I'm so conflicted in my life. Brief introduction: I'm autistic, I'm a lesbian and I've been suicidal for around 8 years but I feel like my lowest rn. I've got some really crucial exams in the summer and my mocks are this week but I've done nothing but rot in my room for the past few weeks and now i'm completely unprepared. My gf broke up w me not because she doesnt love me anymore but because i'm so destructive to myself. I experienced csa and emotional abuse at a young age causing me to struggle even more socially. Right now I stopped talking all together, i've maybe shot a couple texts to my friends for Christmas but I couldn't last talking for more than 10 minutes. My grandmother passed during the holidays, and I didn't know how to process it. My parents don't take my mental illness seriously. My relationship with them is quite distant even though we live together. I've never talked to them about my interests or my problems or anything. I've tried hinting to them how much I need help but it doesn't get to them. They've known that I self harm regularly and don't care about it until it got me in trouble with my school when I was younger. I just want someone to hear my calls and hear my pain. My ex gf was the only person who rly knew everything going on w me yet we dont talk anymore. At this point I want to ctb just so ppl can finally see how much everything hurts so they can see how it's physically affecting me. It's a stupid idea and frankly rlly disrespectful to those who rlly do want to ctb but I don't know how else to stop my pain.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry that you're struggling so much and have so little support at home. I would say though- you're an adult now- you don't need your parents blessing to ask for help elsewhere. My Dad doesn't really believe in mental illness or therapy and all that. It was a friends Mum who encouraged me to talk to someone. If I'm really honest- I wouldn't say it did an enormous amount of good for me but- it was worth a try I think. Your college should have a therapist there I imagine. Your parents don't even have to know that you are seeing them. Might be worth a try if it's something you think might help. Sometimes though- I think we have to realise that those around us may not be able to support us- even if they wanted to. Then, it's up to us whether we choose to look for help elsewhere. I'm sorry though. It sounds like you're having to deal with a lot of crap all at once.

 

[ScubaCTB]

I've never posted on here but I seriously don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I'm so conflicted in my life. Brief introduction: I'm autistic, I'm a lesbian and I've been suicidal for around 8 years but I feel like my lowest rn. I've got some really crucial exams in the summer and my mocks are this week but I've done nothing but rot in my room for the past few weeks and now i'm completely unprepared.

Mocks? Like mock trials in law school. Hit me up! :)

My gf broke up w me not because she doesnt love me anymore but because i'm so destructive to myself.

Every meaningful and potentially meaningful relationship I've had...I've destroyed them. Maybe that isn't true. But I want to take responsibility for absolution. And now I'm still alone, empty, and severely damaged psychologically.

My grandmother passed during the holidays, and I didn't know how to process it. My parents don't take my mental illness seriously. My relationship with them is quite distant even though we live together. I've never talked to them about my interests or my problems or anything.

If you don't talk to them about your interests and problems, then resolution is impossible. If you try to be open and they are still aloof, then it doesn't matter anyway.

At this point I want to ctb just so ppl can finally see how much everything hurts so they can see how it's physically affecting me. It's a stupid idea and frankly rlly disrespectful to those who rlly do want to ctb but I don't know how else to stop my pain.

Yes, it's very stupid and disrespectful (your words) for you to CTB just to get back at people you obviously love and care about, and obviously think aren't respecting and loving you. You should CTB ONLY if/when you've analyzed all scenarios, and determine that continuing in this world is worthless. That's the case for me.

 

[roro.masaki]

I'm sorry that you're struggling so much and have so little support at home. I would say though- you're an adult now- you don't need your parents blessing to ask for help elsewhere. My Dad doesn't really believe in mental illness or therapy and all that. It was a friends Mum who encouraged me to talk to someone. If I'm really honest- I wouldn't say it did an enormous amount of good for me but- it was worth a try I think. Your college should have a therapist there I imagine. Your parents don't even have to know that you are seeing them. Might be worth a try if it's something you think might help. Sometimes though- I think we have to realise that those around us may not be able to support us- even if they wanted to. Then, it's up to us whether we choose to look for help elsewhere. I'm sorry though. It sounds like you're having to deal with a lot of crap all at once.

Thank u so much, my college doesn't provide therapy but I think reaching out for help will probably do me well. I think its just because I find it hard to ask for help because of everything I've been thru, but I might take a chance and try therapy

Mocks? Like mock trials in law school. Hit me up! :)




Every meaningful and potentially meaningful relationship I've had...I've destroyed them. Maybe that isn't true. But I want to take responsibility for absolution. And now I'm still alone, empty, and severely damaged psychologically.



If you don't talk to them about your interests and problems, then resolution is impossible. If you try to be open and they are still aloof, then it doesn't matter anyway.



Yes, it's very stupid and disrespectful (your words) for you to CTB just to get back at people you obviously love and care about, and obviously think aren't respecting and loving you. You should CTB ONLY if/when you've analyzed all scenarios, and determine that continuing in this world is worthless. That's the case for me.

I'm doing mocks for A-levels in the UK. I'm so sorry that u feel the same with the feeling of destroying meaningful relationships. It's a harsh reality and even if you didn't destroy them, it won't change the way your brain thinks and leave a scar. I honestly do think its a lost cause to try and open up to my parents, they are moving back to my home country next year and they dont really care where i'll end up. I don't really hate anyone truly, I love all the people that have been there with me in my life but, because of my own actions I've lost all of them. I've tried counselling when i was younger but it did nothing but I think I'm going to try therapy and if it doesnt help then I'll see where the next few months take me before I make a real decision. Thank u for replying

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank u so much, my college doesn't provide therapy but I think reaching out for help will probably do me well. I think its just because I find it hard to ask for help because of everything I've been thru, but I might take a chance and try therapy

It's scary- I know. I didn't want to do it either to be honest but I just felt so stuck. Plus, I wasn't sure my problems were 'serious' enough. I think having parents who don't go in for the whole 'struggling and needing help' thing doesn't help either. But- you are worthy of help and if things are so bad you want to take your own life- I mean, they can't be much worse really can they?

It's not to say it will help of course. Everything is a bit hit and miss in life I feel but- if it's something you think even might help- why not give it a shot?

That's a shame that your college doesn't provide anything. I guess cost could be an issue. I don't know how many free services there are out there. There are all sorts now though by the looks of it- even purely online sevices. I hope you find something that helps.

For what it's worth too- I think it's quite the opposite of being weak to ask for help. I'd actually say it takes more courage to say- 'You know what? I'm struggling at the moment.' Plus- it's not exactly comfortable spilling all your vulnerabilities (or what you feel comfortable sharing) to a stranger. Obviously- you may not want to share the suicidal ideation bit if you think they may section you... I don't know what it's like where you are... Still- I think it takes guts to be honest about our emotions and struggles. We're just expected to get on with it and there's way too much stigma around admitting that we're struggling.

I'm keeping everything crossed for you. Ultimately, I'm pro-choice- so, I do respect what people want to do at the end of the day. I'm sure certain members are bristling at the mention of therapy. If I'm honest, it's not something I have 100% faith in myself- or- meds for that matter. Still- I feel like- if someone is unsure and if they're open to trying it- why not at least try? You can always quit. Good luck.