I don't know if I want to recover if recovery is this hard

[Water-Lily]

This is following my latest post about my recovery breakthrough in therapy. Though I am glad to have come to a place of tears, it also resulted in my crying and breaking down throughout the day. Thinking about suicide as an immediate response (as I realize that has been my own survival tool for my whole life) and just feeling shitty. Though I won't say I am magically better I have calmed down since that moment.

Recovery is going to take many moments like this. I am sure that the more I continue and experiment with recovery I will have more of these breakdowns, tears, pain, and realizations. Along with resurfaced memories of abuse I have likely surpassed to cope. I am 24 and I can't imagine doing this throughout the rest of my life.

 

[Lullaby]

Recovery is a really uncomfortable process. At times, it'll feel like your entire body and mind is just being rearranged from the inside out.

It's a process and it's going to be really hard, but it sounds like you're doing amazing so far and I'm positive you can keep going.

 

[Water-Lily]

Recovery is a really uncomfortable process. At times, it'll feel like your entire body and mind is just being rearranged from the inside out.

It's a process and it's going to be really hard, but it sounds like you're doing amazing so far and I'm positive you can keep going.

thanks. I can just honestly get why some people commit suicide or fall into addictions. It's because it can be so hard. And ideally confronting that is the best way to recover but god damn is it fucking hard. And moments like that will happen on and off and it might just be a bit easier. That's all one can realistically hope for I think, especially with childhood traumas

 

[Bojackman]

Recovery IS fucking hard and does take a toll on you. Funny thing is, the moments where I cried are the ones where I "felt" the most I have felt in a long time and I liked that. I hope it goes well for you.

 

[motel rooms]

thanks. I can just honestly get why some people commit suicide or fall into addictions. It's because it can be so hard. And ideally confronting that is the best way to recover but god damn is it fucking hard. And moments like that will happen on and off and it might just be a bit easier. That's all one can realistically hope for I think, especially with childhood traumas

The fucking work never ends.

 

[Water-Lily]

Recovery IS fucking hard and does take a toll on you. Funny thing is, the moments where I cried are the ones where I "felt" the most I have felt in a long time and I liked that. I hope it goes well for you.

that is legit it. Like, I realize with all the gaslighting and abuse I was never allowed to feel. I was never allowed to cry, be angry, rage, and express myself. I needed and deserved the space to do those things. And having those moments when I can cry is important. Going through life stuffing everything down breeds so much angry and resentment. I am by no means "better" as there is still so much to process. Though, its a start I guess

The fucking work never ends.

If you don't mind me asking, how has healing been for you? Or what things have you tried doing? For me I have been in therapy for 6 years, along with being on meds. I love my current therapist and hopefully the new medication will help me as well. I am also talking to my doctor about a diet plan to lose weight. So a lot of different things. Part of it is realizing I need a lot of help. In many areas of my life, and being "independent" is making me suffer more

As for the work, yeah I don't think it will ever end. I think even without trauma, to just be able to keep yourself alive, requires active work. Mental health, physical, etc. For myself, its sad knowing that processing is not going to have an end date. There will be new layers to peel back in my life and I won't know what I will do in those moments. All I can realistically hope for is for it to get a bit easier, but there will always be work to do in self care.

Suicidality is still on my mind and its likely something I will struggle with for a long time. I also think of euthanasia for mental illness/trauma. If such a thing existed In my state, I wonder what I would do. Sometimes you don't want to try anymore and it feels so very hard. Trauma is a bitch

 

[Lullaby]

thanks. I can just honestly get why some people commit suicide or fall into addictions. It's because it can be so hard. And ideally confronting that is the best way to recover but god damn is it fucking hard. And moments like that will happen on and off and it might just be a bit easier. That's all one can realistically hope for I think, especially with childhood traumas

When you've been a certain way for so long, it's easier to fall back into what's comfortable.

I'm going through it now and it's rough. I'm having to constantly challenge my thoughts and go against what I'm comfortable doing. I don't know what to believe anymore or what to think, it's like becoming a new person.

It helps when you have some people, even online, to encourage you to keep going forward.

 

[Water-Lily]

When you've been a certain way for so long, it's easier to fall back into what's comfortable.

I'm going through it now and it's rough. I'm having to constantly challenge my thoughts and go against what I'm comfortable doing. I don't know what to believe anymore or what to think, it's like becoming a new person.

It helps when you have some people, even online, to encourage you to keep going forward.

Yeah. Sadly some people don't have support and don't have access for therapy. So they're alone. Imo, when you have a supportive friend group and loving family it really makes a world of difference. Though not many people have that sadly

And yeah, its like learning who you actually are. I realize that a lot of who I am seeing is the real me. The development that was stunted in my youth to appease and survive the needs of a raging abusive narc. I had no time to grow and find out who I am and develop. So it's happening late

 

[lyles]

It is not an easy or gentle process. It comes with a lot of heartache and pain and ugly sides. Ultimately it always comes down to what we deem worth it or not. I do believe in the better side of life, there is great things worthy of continuing on. But that is something for you to find yourself. Regardless of the path you take, you do have my support.

 

[Water-Lily]

It is not an easy or gentle process. It comes with a lot of heartache and pain and ugly sides. Ultimately it always comes down to what we deem worth it or not. I do believe in the better side of life, there is great things worthy of continuing on. But that is something for you to find yourself. Regardless of the path you take, you do have my support.

thats it isn't it? Asking if its worth it. I'd like to think, or hope, that it is. Though I don't know how I will feel in my future as I do more processing. Where I stand, I am not confident/ready/willing to suicide atm. I don't know how I will feel about that later on but for now, thats where I stand.

 

[Slimetae]

Takes a long time sucks bc it's like you gotta address all that pain and get to the root of it anyways wish u the best on you're path

 

[roaming_soul]

I don't think recovery or healing has a final destination, but rather a constant unfolding of our life experiences and their impacts on us. Sometimes I struggle with the acceptance of this myself, but when I have moments where I recognise how I've improved as a person it all feels worth it.

It takes tremendous strength to explore your trauma's Good on you!

 

[Water-Lily]

I don't think recovery or healing has a final destination, but rather a constant unfolding of our life experiences and their impacts on us. Sometimes I struggle with the acceptance of this myself, but when I have moments where I recognise how I've improved as a person it all feels worth it.

It takes tremendous strength to explore your trauma's Good on you!

thanks. I do agree with that perspective. Healing from trauma is not like healing a bruise. Over time your body/skin will heal and the pain will be non existent. However trauma from emotional wounds especially childhood trauma never goes away like that. I think another way of looking at it is like peeling an onion. The more layers you peel back the more things you see. There's no end to it its a continuum. I think a part of me always wished for some kind of end. For one day to wake up and not feel in pain anymore. To feel a sense of bliss and no more trauma symptoms. But that's unrealistic. Even if I commit to therapy and healing for many many years beyond where I am now, there will still be pain. Just more discovery. This is a hard pill to swallow and many times I wish there was a percent quick fix

Takes a long time sucks bc it's like you gotta address all that pain and get to the root of it anyways wish u the best on you're path

Yuppers. And its so easy to avoid and run away and ignore your traumas. And just avoid all the time. But its always there, it'll never go. And so you can keep on avoiding and hurting yourself slowly, or address it. Adressing it doesn't take it away but it does lead to a better outcome where you can live and it won't destroy you. I think in all this the grief is the heaviest. I didn't ask for a horribly abusive childhood. A mother who was a horrific narc abuser and was extremely mentally unwell. Not just her abusing me directly and indirectly, but watching her break down and cry and be mentally unwell. The enabling from people who knew, the gaslighting, invalidation, bullying from kids who thought I had a perfect life. So much abuse all at once, its a miracle I even survived.

I don't want to be called "Strong" or a "fighter" for what I wrote. Those words and phrases, even with good intentions, really do rub me the wrong way. I am just sad and I should not have this burden. Burden of my abusers getting away with abusing while they put on a face and be accepted by everyone outside the home, while when you complain everyone invalidates you and expects more out of you. I envy those with an easier life with little to no trauma and have loving family. Those things are privileges, privileges I will never know what is like simply because of my circumstances

 

[whatevs]

This is following my latest post about my recovery breakthrough in therapy. Though I am glad to have come to a place of tears, it also resulted in my crying and breaking down throughout the day. Thinking about suicide as an immediate response (as I realize that has been my own survival tool for my whole life) and just feeling shitty. Though I won't say I am magically better I have calmed down since that moment.

Recovery is going to take many moments like this. I am sure that the more I continue and experiment with recovery I will have more of these breakdowns, tears, pain, and realizations. Along with resurfaced memories of abuse I have likely surpassed to cope. I am 24 and I can't imagine doing this throughout the rest of my life.

Supposedly it shouldn't take your whole life, perhaps a solid 10 years to really overcome all the trauma. You would still carry the scars but they would be dry and closed off for good.

 

[Water-Lily]

Supposedly it shouldn't take your whole life, perhaps a solid 10 years to really overcome all the trauma. You would still carry the scars but they would be dry and closed off for good.

I might have over exaggerated what I said above. I think I was coming off from a place of exhaustion and frustration. I just hope the work truly does pay off one day

 

[suicide-br]

I not believe in fully recovery. Once you try to CTB probably you will try again and again…

 

[motel rooms]

If you don't mind me asking, how has healing been for you?

There's probably not much anyone who's trying to recover can learn from me. I've come to terms with the fact that I can't get rid of nightmares & flashbacks of abuse. At least I'm able to work & hide my mental health issues from people - thank you, Xanax. The most therapeutic thing for me is being accepted/loved by my partner & not having to hide my pain from him.

 

[lyles]

thats it isn't it? Asking if its worth it. I'd like to think, or hope, that it is. Though I don't know how I will feel in my future as I do more processing. Where I stand, I am not confident/ready/willing to suicide atm. I don't know how I will feel about that later on but for now, thats where I stand.

I will say I think it is. We can't know where we will be in the future for sure, but if you want to keep trying then I think that is meaningful. I'm glad you are here, though. Know you do have my ear if you ever need to talk.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

It is not an easy or gentle process. It comes with a lot of heartache and pain and ugly sides. Ultimately it always comes down to what we deem worth it or not. I do believe in the better side of life, there is great things worthy of continuing on. But that is something for you to find yourself. Regardless of the path you take, you do have my support.

I totally agree.

 

[LittleJem]

It sounds like you have a good therapist.

I'm not sure I ever experienced any recovery in therapy, so I hope you feel better as time goes on and more connected with yourself. I wish you so much luck and comfort.